Page 61 of Mad About You

‘Ah. Carry on.’

‘OK, so. Eighteen months ago, we went on holiday to Portofino.’ Cal paused. ‘Have you been to the Italian Riviera?’

There was a beat of silence and then Harriet, knackered, pissed, near-shrieked before collapsing into incapable laughter.

‘What?!’ Cal said, laughing because she was laughing.

When she got the power of speech back, Harriet gasped: ‘“Have you been to the Italian Riviera”, ahahahaha!’

‘WHAT?! I didn’t know if you had!’

‘Literally only you would pause to ask that. Before I go on,have you tried the divine spritzes at Caffe Florian in Venice…’

‘Your disrespect here is staggering,’ Cal said, but she could see he was enjoying himself too. ‘Look, I asked because I didn’t want to mansplain Liguria to you but clearly, I will be mocked either way.’

Harriet gurgled.

‘My point is: Portofino is like falling into an F. Scott Fitzgerald novel or something. When it’s lit up at night in shades of soft blue and you’re on a pink bougainvillea-filled terrace carved out of the mountain rock … I’m setting the scene to explain that, even though I knew things between Kit and I were going badly wrong, and I didn’t feel what I should feel – when she asked me to marry her, it seemed like the greatest idea that evening. Watching yachts coming into the harbour, drinking cold wine, it’s like crack cocaine for romantic feelings. There should be laws against accepting proposals on that terrace. There should be a cooling-off clause.’

Harriet was reminded of Lorna’s Day Three of Glastonbury rule.Is it their company, or is it all the trappings?

‘The ridiculous thing is. I agreed to get marriedbecauseI knew we were going wrong. The fabled Elastoplast. Yeah, what this failing relationship needs is a big act of committing to it!’

He looked at her and Harriet nodded, with an expression of sympathy. If he thoughtso I went along with it half-heartedly thanks to her proposing on a nice holidaywas much of an excuse, however …

‘Kit took over the wedding planning. She’s one of those hyper-effective ruthless types in business … Out of laziness, out of my ambivalence, I let her run the show. Which is why I never met you, I guess.’

‘Right.’

‘But, after we got engaged, something else was going on. There’s this guy at her work, Sebastian, Seb, who she starts mentioning all the time. She doesn’t realise she’s mentioning him, as people with crushes generally don’t. Or that she’s getting a silly look on her face, telling me banal stuff.Oh yes, Seb said that restaurant gets busy, and so on. I’m not super-suspicious, but I have registered it.’

Harriet sat up straighter.

‘Kit goes off on a week’s training course in Gloucester. Kit wears a Fitbit. The Fitbit is linked up to the iPad we both use, that’s still at home.’

Harriet said quietly: ‘… Oh … God.’

‘Yeah,’ Cal said, taking a swig of beer. ‘My fiancée gets back from Gloucester. The biggest chump you’ve ever met, me, says entirely not intending anything: “The hotel had a twenty-four-hour gym then? Useful.”’

Harriet hissed, ‘fuuuuuuuu—!’under her breath.

‘Kit said: “No, why do you say that?” I said: “You were clocking up some seriously athletic heart rates after ten every night?”’

‘Oh my God!’

‘It would be incredibly funny if, at the time, it wasn’t also so awful. She stands there looking absolutely mortified as I catch on to what strenuous activity was actually winning her gold medals. I said let me guess, the person next to you on the nocturnal cross trainer was called Sebastian? Then she burst out crying. Howling-crying.’

Harriet could only make murmurs of astonishment. Fairto say this rivalled accepting and then un-accepting Jon’s proposal.

‘Another beer, before I continue?’ Cal said. Harriet nodded. If ever there was a two-beer-worthy story.

Cal returned with the beers and flopped back onto the sofa, next to her.

‘Where was I? Oh yes.It was a mistake, she had commitment nerves, one last fling before decades of marital monogamy. She’d never do it to me again! Please, please don’t leave her, not now. The wedding would be the best day of both our lives.’

‘Oof.’

‘By the by, Seb is “obsessed” with her and has begged her to call off the wedding but she won’t, because I’m The One.’

---