Page 70 of Mad About You

Harriet said nothing. She wanted to believe Cal, but she’d been here before.

‘I also heard you telling Sam it was hell to have me move in.’

‘When?’

‘When I moved in.I will feel every second of having her …’Harriet realised this sounded dubious, and lamely concluded, ‘… here.’

Cal’s mouth opened and then he allowed himself a smile.

‘Fuck’s sake, you’ve earwigged every last thing out here, haven’t you? Yes, I freaked out somewhat. I wasn’t to know I’d get on so well with you, at that point. I don’t recall you seeming overjoyed I was the homeowner either, Princess Pigtail.’

Harriet rewarded his risk at levity with a reluctant smile.

‘I didn’t get the feeling your dad was … hitting on me, as you put it.’

‘No. You wouldn’t. You know why?’

‘No?’

‘Because he’s extremely good at it.’

Harriet folded her arms and tried to decide whether she believed him. ‘I’ve got to get my head around this. Your dad is inappropriate with your friends? He’d never act on it though?’

‘Oh yes. He would.’

‘What!? Has he ever …?’

‘Slept with one of my friends? Yup.’

‘Oh my God.’

‘It’s not confined to my friends. It just isn’t boundaried before them either. You’ve heard of Médecins Sans Frontières, meet Andrew Sans Frontières.’

‘Haha. Woah.’

Harriet thought she was a woman of the world, but omnishagger sixty-year-old dads using their sons as an introductions service was new to her.

‘Would he think he could slide me his phone number during a family Sunday lunch?’

‘Oh, he’d not be that upfront and crass. At least I hope not. He doesn’t take risks like that; he mainly wanted an attractive woman to goggle at. He’s never “off”, if you know what I mean.’

‘And he actually did it with one of your mates??’

Cal exhaled. ‘The last thing I wanted to have to do is tell you the longer version and probably the last thing you want is the longer version, yet now I think we’re going to have to do the longer version. Take a seat? After the KitFitbit story I fear you’re going to think my life is a very black comedy.’

He ushered Harriet back to where he’d been.

‘If we’re going to start at the beginning regards my dad, it’s got to be my childhood terror of Halloween.’

‘Before you go on,’ Harriet said, ‘have you ever been to Portofino?’

Cal burst out laughing and Harriet laughed too. It washed away any remaining awkwardness between them.

‘Twat,’ Cal said. ‘Here’s me, about to lay myself totally bare before your pitiless gaze.’

Wait while I get my camera. Bloody hell, where did that thought come from? Cal must have superpowers, because with one thing and another, Harriet’s passion had been in deep freeze for some time. Yet here she was, pondering whether he looked as good out of clothes as he did in them, pondering it quite intently. She hoped her face remained impassive.

Cal continued: ‘I had a fear of Halloween, which everyone thought was funny when I was a little kid. When I got tomy teens, I realised that little boys are allowed to gibber and cry at the sight of plastic skeletons and trick-or-treaters in hoods, but society judges grown men for that far more harshly. I honestly used to dread it though.’

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