Page 110 of Between Us

‘The trouble was, having done it that Christmas, when I saw him the following Easter, it happened again. Once you’ve done it already, your conscience is already dirty. It became a thing. A glitch. Joe was back in town, on his own, and we’d end up in bed. Sometimes I was in a relationship, too, to my utter shame. He got off on that.’

‘How many times did it happen?’ Roisin said. ‘I don’t know why that matters …’

‘No, I get it. Probably about a dozen? Once a year or so.’

Roisin exhaled. Every year.

‘At first, as I said, I wanted him back. Obviously at some point I let go of that and Joe was more like a poison I couldn’t get out of my system. I thought we were fucking Emma and Dexter inOne Day,and we were in factGroundhog Daywith fucking.’ She looked at Roisin. ‘How on earth am I treating you as an agony aunt?!’

‘Because I’m in fact your agony sister,’ Roisin said.

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‘Watching his series,Hunter,I knew in my bones that it had come from somewhere in Joe’s life. He gaslit me and fumed at me. Our mutual friends thought I was crazy; that’s how good a liar he is,’ Roisin said. ‘But the thrills in it were based on your meet-ups, right?’

Beatrice said, unable to look at her directly, ‘Yes. I recognised lots of it. Somehow, in his head, I didn’t count as being unfaithful. That should’ve told me I was worthless, but …’ Beatrice made a ‘rotating finger to side of head’ gesture.

‘This is a minor thing, but I have a thirst for knowledge,’ Roisin said, and Beatrice grimaced. ‘Oh God, no, not aboutthat.How did you communicate? I’m certain Joe wouldn’t leave any trail. So much so, I’ve never once thought of checking his phone.’

‘Oh, he was very into that, you’re right,’ Beatrice said. ‘Very strict about it. When he finally put me into his phone it was under his agent’s name, as their second mobile. He said we had to use “London” instead of York or home and to couch it all in work-speak. You know, “are you free formeeting on X, I need to go over this latest draft with you”, etc. Utterly tacky.’

Sneaking around is rather exciting and becomes a bit of an art. It was very much part of what made it electrifying.

‘I finally stopped it after Jim and Liddy’s wedding,’ Beatrice said. ‘When I saw you in person. I’d bought into so much about how you and Joe had this loveless relationship, and you were a fragile, volatile person he couldn’t risk leaving because you’d blow his friendships apart as revenge.’

Roisin struggled to absorb the extent of the treachery from someone she had loved, whom she’d thought had loved her. Joe was multiple people, and she lived with only one version of him. Bea knew another.

‘I’d known deep down they were excuses for a while, but I’d made a mess that felt too big to clean up,’ Beatrice said. ‘Then I could see with my own eyes none of it was true. When I saw you as a couple, you being lovely to everyone, I could tell it wasn’t an act. I realised you were his Significant Other and I was his Insignificant Other. He leaned on me hard not to go that day, and the penny dropped as to why. I’d been really, really stupid.’

‘Hmmm, Joe’s been off with me for around a year,’ Roisin said. ‘I wonder if that was the trigger.’

‘I think he hates losing control of people. Control is what he calls love,’ Beatrice said, and Roisin had to abruptly clash her wine glass to hers to emphasise the nail being hit on the head.

‘If it was over, what was the five-star hotel stay about?’ Roisin said.

‘He said he wanted a deadly serious discussion. I thought maybe a parent was ill or something. I turned up, saw the fizz in the ice bucket and never even took my coat off. It was the ol’ razzle dazzle. The fabulous offer to get back together at last. I said no.’

Roisin thought about how, in different circumstances, they’d have been friends. ‘You said no?’

‘I did. The attraction had been dimming for a long time. When he said that, I knew for sure I didn’t want what I wanted when we were twenty-three any more. Plus, I knew who he was. Why would he commit to me if he’d done that to you? My friends pointed that out, endlessly.’

Roisin nodded. ‘He’d offered me a fresh start, relationship counselling, and we were hanging in the balance at the time,’ Roisin said. ‘I guess he decided to ask both of us and see who said yes? If we both did, he’d choose, or worry about that later?’

‘I guess?’ Beatrice said, aghast. ‘I knew what he did with me was weak and wrong, but it’s pathological, isn’t it?’

‘The thing with Joe I’ve learned,’ Roisin said, ‘is that when you catch him in a lie, there’s a new lie to cover for the old lie. There’s layers of it. It’s like scraping away old gloss and wallpaper. Together, we’ve found at least a patch of original bricks and mortar, I reckon.’ She clinked her glass to Bea’s again.

Beatrice twitched a smile, looked down at the table. ‘What I did to you is unforgivable. I’m so glad to have your forgiveness, but I don’t deserve it.’

‘I needed to know for sure who Joe is,’ Roisin said. ‘You could’ve said nothing and protected yourself. Most people would. That’s exactly what Joe relied on. Instead, you’ve been decent enough to tell me the truth. That took guts.Thatdeserves forgiveness.’

‘You’re a pretty extraordinary person to see it this way,’ Beatrice said, welling up. She laughed. ‘The irony …’

‘What?’ Roisin said.

‘All these years, Joe built you up to be intimidating. It turns out, you are. Brilliantly so.’

Back at her car, Roisin turned to Beatrice.

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