Page 113 of Between Us

‘Yeah, he told me that much. Ex going through a rough time, who he really felt for. He had stupidly let himself be dragged back into her orbit. A one-off etc. You know what a fast and plausible talker he is.’

‘Did you believe him?’

Matt paused. ‘… For the reasons it happened? No. I didn’t. I’d heard how he was speaking to her. I thought Joe was the same guy who’d screwed me over, so of course he was doing it to you, too. I hoped being caught and realising what he was risking would shake him to his senses. I believed he was desperate not to lose you.’

‘I meant, did you believe him that he’d stop?’

Matt inhaled, heavily. ‘I hoped he’d value the second chance. I wasn’t sure.’

‘The second chance, that you gave him.Youknew who Joe was, but left me in the dark?’

‘Roisin, what was my track record on successfully interfering in other people’s business, at this point? If you’d stayed with Joe, would either of you want to keep the guy who blew the whistle in your lives? Yes, it was selfish, but I cared about you too much to lose you over something he did.’

‘Why does it follow that you would? I wouldn’t have held it against you for telling me the truth, whatever I decided.’

‘It’s not that simple, is it? Joe would’ve wheedled his way out of it and you two would’ve patched it up. I’d have been your guy’s mortal enemy. You’d have phased me out, droppedme off invites, because it was too tricky not to. There’s no way I stayed in your life as a couple after getting embroiled in that. Joe would’ve made sure of it.’

‘It’s irrelevant anyway, as I can tell you I wouldn’t have stayed with him!’

‘You say that now – Joe could talk himself out of a Russian prison.’

Roisin thought of what Matt said about her liking Mean Boys. Underneath this perhaps was the tyranny of low expectations. Maybe she deserved those low expectations after a decade of failing to see Joe for who he was. But she could’ve had this wake-up call six years ago, if Matt had been the honourable person she thought he was.

‘In short, you didn’t think,does Roisin deserve to know, does Roisin need to know?You thought,what are my interests here and how are they best served?’

‘If I could go back and change it, older and wiser, I would do it in a heartbeat. At the time, I was freaked out and just thought no one prospers from getting involved in other people’s relationships. Not when they have fights, and not when they make up. It’s between the couple.’

‘I don’t understand: Joe goaded you and insulted you, endlessly. Didn’t he worry you’d say,yeah well, I’ll tell your girlfriend what I know? How was Joe so sure you wouldn’t?’

‘Hah. As you may have gathered, Joe is a fucking great liar. World class. It was such a bold move, antagonising me and portraying me as the cad. He can read people very closely. Once we were years out from my discovery, he knew that I knew I’d lose you as a friend if I told you. Imagine it?“Oh, by the way, now he’s wound me up sufficiently I feel motivated to blow your life up to get even”? You’d havemaybedumped him, butdefinitelytold me to get to fuck. He knew I wasn’t going to risk that. He was safe. There was a time limit on my telling you.’

‘You know what I can’t tolerate, Matt? If I’d found this out some other way, some other time, I’d hear you out on Joe putting you in an impossible position. But earlier this summer I came to you, as a friend, in confidence, my mind all over the place and said, “I think Joe might be cheating on me.” You were an ally. Someone I could confide in. You offered to help me. Have you got any idea how stupid and betrayed I feel that the whole time, you were merely playing along? Humouring me?’

‘I saw that as atonement, not playing along! I did what I could to find out the truth for you. I wanted you to find out, for yourself.’

‘But you could’ve told me right then!’ Roisin said. ‘That was your second chance! You’re saying it didn’t occur to you? While you were strolling my village, pretending to think it over, saying,ah well, yeah that sounds suss as fuck, Rosh,but who can say.’

‘That’s true,’ Matt said, ‘I should’ve rethought. Instead, I thought helping you was the right way for it to come out.’

‘What if I’d said to you, “I was wrong: Joe didn’t cheat, I’ve grovelled my apologies to him, and we’re back together and engaged”? Would you have said,woah there?’

Matt raised and dropped his shoulders. ‘I’d have been gutted,but that would’ve been your choice, presumably for all sorts of reasons. How could I have interfered?’

‘You washed your hands of me.’

‘Does it look like my feelings towards you have ever been getting shot and walking away?’

‘Do you know what I think? I think you were perfectly aware you could tell me,’ Roisin said. ‘I think, once again, you put your interests first. There was no glory in telling me at that point, only difficulty for you. Much more kudos in going to Sesso.’

‘Glory?’ Matt said, recoiling. ‘You think I wanted rewards from helping you? That’s a pretty grim thing to accuse me of. Do you share Joe’s opinion of me?’

‘Honestly? I don’t know,’ Roisin said. ‘An hour ago, I’d have said it was impossible you could find out he was shagging around on me and agree with him that you’d keep it from me.’

‘Do you know what? You’re essentially angry with me for not telling you who your ex was,’ Matt said, angry himself now. ‘You only had to pay attention. Joe wasn’t nice, Roisin. Not then, not now. It wasn’t someone else’s job to tell you that.’

This was a sharp jab at Roisin’s weakest point. The one thing about Joe Powell she’d never resolve: how she’d missed it. She felt deep confusion and shame.

‘So I’m a stupid girl for not spotting it? It’s the victim’s fault? It’s thewoman’sfault?’

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