Page 117 of Between Us

Meredith whispered, ‘That’d be a thing called money,’ to them.

‘WOMEN. Notice, A&D, not D&A, very important to me,’said Anita, seizing hold of them. She was in a sapphire-coloured gown with a waterfall cape attached to it and looked like the benevolent queen in a science fiction film. Screaming with delight at the sight of her ensued.

‘Come see this,’ Anita said, beckoning them over to a corner display of photographs of her and Dev as kids, on their first date, foreign holidays. Roughly in the centre was the one of the Brian Club, ten years ago, and the one at Benbarrow Hall.

Roisin gazed at it and thought about the distance between those two images for her. She looked at Joe, hiding his face, and Matt, both pushed out and keeping a distance, and thought,it was always all there from the start, if you looked for it.

The riddle of Joe Powell wasn’t Then Joe turning into Now Joe. He didn’t change; their circumstances did.

Meredith found her hand, without anyone noticing, and squeezed it.

‘Fancy finding a drink, Miss Walters?’ Meredith said, and Roisin said, ‘Fuck, yes.’

An hour after the do started, Roisin saw him from a distance. He looked fashionable as always in a fawn, needlecord suit that would have had Terence remembering why he hated coming into Manchester. The room was large enough for them to keep a respectful distance and Roisin gathered they’d do that, rather than speak.

At one point, chatting with a good-looking cousin, she caught Matt’s eye across the room and they shared a look that Roisin couldn’t really decipher beyond a hard, mutualouch.

As the night entered its later hours, she sensed Matt had gone. Occasional little heart-stopping glimpses of him dwindled to none.

Sod these shoes,Roisin thought, she was going to switch to the flats she had in her room. Her inner voice said,he’s not here, nobody to impress, huh?and she internally thundered,SHUDDUP.

As she stood by the lifts and fumbled for her key card in her bag, she heard, ‘Can I have a quick word?’

She looked up to see Matt. Being booze-worn didn’t make it easier: she had no idea what to say.

He led her through the foyer, beyond the revolving door, onto the hotel’s front step by the Hackney rank. She rubbed her arms in the nocturnal chill. Autumn was coming. Other than that, she had no idea what was coming.

‘I won’t keep you a minute,’ Matt said, hands in suit trouser pockets. ‘OK, so – I’m telling you this not because I expect it to change anything, or because I think it casts me in a better light. It’s honesty for honesty’s sake. I asked myself why I didn’t tell you. You know, the reason behind the reasons I’d told myself at the time. I don’t think I really, deep down, thought you’d ditch me as a friend. You were right to call bullshit on that. It’s not in your nature. It was because I didn’t trust my motives.’

‘I see,’ Roisin said, not yet seeing.

‘… I’d wanted you to leave Joe from day one, so here I was, being handed a way to make that happen. I couldn’t be sure what to do because it was so clouded by my own interests. I told myself therefore that stepping back was the pure and noblest route.’ Matt drew breath. ‘You’re absolutelyright that my decision making was all about me, not you. Once again, my ego and self-image were running the show. I should have put you first, asked myself whatyou’dwant me to do, and I didn’t. And I should’ve told you what I knew when you finally said you had your fears. I wanted to look better in your eyes, as you said. I’ll always regret that.’

Roisin nodded.

‘… But it wasn’t in hope of any reward. You can hate me for everything else, but don’t hate me for that. I was a long way past thinking you’d ever see me as anything but a friend. That’s the truth.’

Roisin had nothing prepared in reply. ‘OK. Thank you,’ she said. ‘I believe you.’

In the ensuing silence, Matt added, ‘Night, Roisin.’ He turned and walked away without Roisin knowing what to say to stop him, or if she should.

She went back into The Midland, forgetting she was going to change her shoes or even that they’d pinched as she wandered back into the ballroom.

‘Hey, there she is!’ Dev said, at sight of Roisin at the door. ‘Can I have this dance, Miss Walters?’ he said. Even in the melee at his own wedding, Dev was displaying his extraordinary emotional sonar that could detect someone feeling a little lost. Roisin had never been so grateful to be wrapped in a Dev hug and spun around.

After a few turns to Joe Cocker’s ‘You Are So Beautiful’, Dev said, ‘Listen,’ leaning in. He checked behind them to be sure they weren’t being overheard. ‘I know I’m not supposedto know about this. I’m not going to tell anyone else; I’ve not even told Anita. He didn’t intend to tell me – your name came up and he got upset. Feel free to tell me to piss off out of your business for saying this much, Rosh. But I met up for a drink with him and we had a massive heart to heart. He’s absolutely head over heels in love with you and so sorry he hurt you. He’s a very good person, you know. I know I tend to see the positives about people, but he really is. If you gave him another chance, I can’t see you regretting it. That’s all.’

‘That’s so nice of you, Dev,’ Roisin said. ‘But the thing about Joe is, he’s really skilful at being the person that the situation demands. I promise you that whatever he’s told you, it’s tons more complicated and more ugly in reality. I don’t want you to feel you have to take sides, but trust me, we’re better off apart.’

Dev smiled. ‘I’m talking about Matt.’

Someone else cut in, and Dev left Roisin standing on the dancefloor, looking comically stunned.

73

Roisin was roused from deep sleep by caterwauling. She opened her eyes and gazed at the drum-shaped lampshade in the gloaming. She didn’t know if it had happened in her dream or in the waking world. By mutual agreement, this Sunday was her last night at The Mallory before she settled back in to West Didsbury and faced a new school term.

‘ROISIIIIIIIIN! Roisiiiiiiin?’

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