Page 119 of Between Us

Only Lorraine Walters could say,sorry I invented a possible cancer and an investigation that never happened, but please be appreciative I also invented an all clear that never happened. PS: I am seriously unwell anyway.

‘But youwereill! You just weren’t doing anything about it!’

‘I don’t want to be an old sick person or have a bald head, Roisin! I’d rather be me or not at all.’

Lorraine’s face contorted as a wave of pain rolled over her, and a wave of panic in Roisin’s stomach followed its trajectory.

‘Are you seriously saying you’d rather be dead than bald?!’ Roisin said.

Lorraine tried to adjust herself on the carpet and winced. ‘Like I say. I didn’t want fuss. I only wanted to see you.’

‘Wanted the bar shifts from me, more like,’ Roisin said, rolling her eyes and trying to lighten a mood that was hardly likely to be lightened.

‘I had calls to return to Amy and Ernest ages ago. I thought it’d be nice to spend some time together.’

‘Did you not think Ryan deserved to know?’ Roisin said.

Lorraine raised her shoulders a centimetre, all she could muster by way of a shrug. ‘Further to travel, isn’t it. Mothers want their daughters at times like this.’

What times they were remained to be seen.

Roisin tried to absorb this. Her mother had feared she might be dying, she was in so much agony, this whole time? She’d sought no treatment. She’d hoodwinked Roisin. An awful realisation dawned: her mum would rather do all this, risk all this, than tell Roisin she loved her, and she needed her. She’d rather do this than risk Roisin rejecting her.

There was the additional inhibition that Roisin would’ve forced her to the GP. But it was also obvious that Lorraine had no language to bridge this gap between them, and make believe had been used to fill it.

‘Now. I need you to put my lipstick on before the paramedics get here,’ Lorraine said. ‘The Charlotte Tilbury in the navy quilted bag with the flowers on the top of the cabinet in my bathroom. Walk Of No Shame or Lost Cherry, please.’

‘You HAVE to be kidding,’ Roisin said.

‘This might be my last request!’ Lorraine screeched and Roisin extravagantly tutted and huffed, as much to mask her terror as anything. Of course her mother wasn’t sparing her, in spelling out the threat.Lorraine gonna Lorraine.

She ran to her room and shuddered at the glass of waterspilled on the floor. Her mum had crawled on hands and knees to her position in the hallway. Roisin raked through the contents of the toiletries bag, squinting at the base of each lipstick to see the name. She felt sure Lorraine would spot the wrong shade, even when crippled by a seven to nine on the official pain scale.

Walk Of No Shame hit her as gruesomely apt. The arc of history was long, and it bent towards sick humour. She went for Lost Cherry.

Don’t think about lying to Joe. Don’t think about what he made you swear your life upon. Don’t think about it, don’t think about it.

She returned to her side, kneeling down and twisting the lipstick out of its case.

‘I can’t believe I’m doing this. Pout your mouth out then.’

Lorraine, who was clearly conserving energy due to the unbearable agony, pushed her lips towards it as Roisin dabbed the colour on.

The process was utterly ridiculous and felt unbearably tender, at the same time. Roisin couldn’t think about anything that was happening too hard, or she’d lose it.

‘Can probably do without the lip liner,’ Lorraine said, smacking her lips together, and Roisin barked, ‘YA RECKON,’ to cover her emotion.

‘Listen. There’s something I want to talk to you about,’ Lorraine said as Roisin re-capped the Lost Cherry, as if they were having a natter over their passing trolleys in Sainsbury’s. ‘In case I don’t get the chance again.’

‘Mum, please don’t say things like that.’

‘I know how this works. They put a mask over your face and then that’s it.’

‘Mum!’

‘I watched Joe’s series. The one about the policeman having lots of how’s your father.’

Roisin’s blood temperature dropped to freezing.

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