Page 41 of Between Us

‘You mean during this insane time for me – for us – where I’ve built us some financial security, I haven’t focused enough on you? I’ve not made enough of a fuss of you?’

She wondered how long it’d take for the wealth to be raised up. She wasn’t going to use her support of him for all those years as a weapon. Love was not meant to be balance transfers.

‘The fact you’re calling it “making a fuss”, as if I’m a brat, rather than being concerned I’m unhappy, is exactly what I mean.’

‘Fuck me. This argument, which you’ve clearly prepped for, and I haven’t, is a set of bear traps. What am I meant to do then, agree with you that I’m a cold bastard?’ He ploughed on before she could respond. ‘I really don’t need your drama, Roisin. I’m about to spend ten hours on a plane and then face some of the most daunting meetings of my life, ones that could change my life. Our lives. I’m starting that journey with this? Seriously? It couldn’t have waited until I got back?’

There it was. Joe couldn’t even see that complaining she was interfering with his work might be a bad look in a fight about how she was insignificant compared to his work.

‘If I’d waited, you’d say I couldn’t be that bothered and must have been inventing grudges while you were away. Your total unavailability to me is iron clad, Joe.’

‘OK, well, regardless of what I might or might not have said or done, in alternative universes,’ Joe said, once again not missing a beat to think, checking his watch, ‘my cab will get here soon and I’m going to write a thank you note for Dev. Can we bring this to an end?’

Roisin said, blood rushing in her ears, ‘I want to end things entirely, Joe.’

He paused. ‘You want to break up?’

‘Yes.’

The summer air hung heavy around them.

‘You don’t love me any more?’

‘I don’t think I know you any more, to love you,’ Roisin said, holding in tears in the tight wall of her chest.

‘Hah. Good dodge.’

Joe wouldn’t do anything as lame as look surprised, yet, to her surprise, she sensed he was. Why did he not consider that’s where this could be going?

Yes, they’d been together almost a decade. But they were still young, they weren’t married, they had no kids, and the tenor of this fight, with no concessions or gentleness on either side, felt explicitly terminal to Roisin. If it wasn’t the end, it was certainly signposting the way. Hadn’t Joe been working up to this? Had he not accepted it himself yet? Did he want to go first?

Ah, wait, the money,she thought. Joe wasn’t particularly materialistic or macho about it, but nevertheless, that was thequiet part out loud – no one really thinks a not-rich person will split up with someone who is. By forty, he’d have a fortune, and Roisin was opting out.

That he currently felt undumpable actually made quite a lot of sense.

‘I don’t have the bandwidth for this. I had no idea that you were going to wake up this morning and decide we were over,’ Joe said.

‘I think we’ve been over for a while,’ Roisin said. ‘I’m just the one to say it.’

She was braced for some spiky comeback, a stinging contradiction, but Joe only looked at her, with those dark eyes she’d once seen so much depth in.

Couldshe fall back in love with him? Not without his help.

‘I can’t do this now. Can we talk again when I’m back from the States?’ he said eventually. ‘I’ll be back in a week. Ten days, max.’

Roisin nodded yes. It wasn’t as if they could avoid that anyway.

Joe blew air out of his cheeks and picked up his mug. Roisin felt a wave of guilt at what she’d done and once again told herself:you didn’t choose this timing or location. You didn’t force this conflict into being.

‘I don’t want to run into anyone in the house, together. Can you give me ten minutes’ head start?’

‘Sure,’ Roisin said.

‘I’ll message you when I land,’ Joe said.

‘Thanks,’ she said stiffly.

He leaned over and gave her a quick hug that was more like a second’s grip, giving her no time to respond, and walked away.

---