Page 57 of Between Us

Gina looked agonised: she always felt others’ pain deeply and was probably avoiding speaking in case she sobbed. She’dhit a badger once while driving and had to go to counselling. (Again, Joe had found this hilarious, crooningBadger in the Windto the tune of Elton John’s hit, pounding imaginary piano keys.)

Roisin understood that tearing Joe down was hurtful to Gina, and she hated doing it. But what choice did she have? She pressed a finger under each eye to staunch any waterworks. She could cry anytime; she wanted this evening to be used for other things.

‘… It gets worse. Or my feelings get worse; whether this is objectively worse, I can’t say …’

Meredith and Gina looked so rapt, they almost weren’t breathing.

‘When we had the fight overHunter, he didn’t flinch. He didn’t have any guilt or remorse at all. I had this overwhelming instinct …’ She paused. ‘It was something in the way he lied to me, as if it was nothing to him. I could tell he’d had shitloads of practice. I think he’s done it himself. I think Joe’s cheated on me. Lots.’

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‘No!’ Gina exclaimed, in a tone of bare denial. Then, ‘No?’

‘I know it sounds unhinged. I can’t shake it. It’s like I flipped the telescope round and I’m seeing everything differently. The restaurant, the scarf, in the episode? Not only did Joe do that – at Sesso, two years ago, your birthday if you remember, Gina? He went back on foot to get it, then walked home. He had a shower when he got in. He never showers before bed. That night he dreamed up the first scene of cheating sex dramaHunter,and yet nothing like that actually happened?’

No one knew what to say, which was understandable.

‘Rosh, I am absolutely dying for a wee, I’ve got to go to the loo, but promise me nothing major can be discussed until I get back,’ Gina said eventually.

‘Promise,’ Roisin laughed, as Gina pushed out her chair.

‘Did you ever get this feeling about Joe beforeHunter?’ Meredith asked.

‘No, never, to be fair.’

‘That suggests it’s more likely you’re seeing Television Joe humping lots of actresses, at a time he’s upset you, and it’s affected you?’

As ever, Meredith was too deft to say: ‘affected your judgement.’

‘I know that’s the obvious conclusion. I stand on the outside of this, and I think I’m being ridiculous. Then my gut carries on stubbornly saying:he’s done it himself, and this is the cockiest move in the history of cocky moves.The lines about how monogamy is an imposition, and he doesn’t feel any guilt. How he and “Becca” have a great relationship and it makes no odds to her because he’s not got feelings for these women. How it’s ethical infidelity. Meredith, I can imagine Joe saying those things.’

‘Canyou? I always thought of him as a one-woman man, not someone with a wandering eye at all.’

‘Mmmm. Yeah. Always judgemental of Matt’s lifestyle, I suppose.’

‘Exactly.’

‘Jasper Hunter presents as a one-woman man to the world, doesn’t he?’ Roisin persisted. ‘In fact, the whole point is he insists he IS one. He’s in love with Becca – he doesn’t see that love is contingent on not having sex with other people.’

‘But … it’s make believe …?’ Meredith gritted her teeth. ‘I don’t know.’

‘I wouldn’t have seen the similarities if I hadn’t confronted Joe. He was a barrage of cutting remarks and dismissals, no shame. I’m scared that Joe lies fluently and constantly, without breaking a sweat. Which is terrifying, frankly. Who have I gone out with, all these years? How did I miss it?’

Gina returned, scraping her wrought-iron chair back across paving slabs, and said, ‘Joe wouldn’t do that to you, I don’tthink. I can’t see it. If you knew for sure he hadn’t, would you stay together? Are you two completely, definitely, done?’

It was a good question. Roisin had expected it and still didn’t have an answer.

‘I think so. I don’t know. When I told him it was over, I hadn’t formed my shagger suspicions. I only knew he has turned into someone quite ruthless and remote …’

Roisin had to stop talking as her voice caught. He’d been the body on the other side of her bed since she was twenty-three. Ending it felt huge.

‘… It’s only afterwards that this idea of his secret rampant infidelity has been eating away at me. I have to know if I’m right.’

‘… Do you?’ Meredith said gently. ‘If you think it’s over, even if he hasn’t cheated, does it matter? I mean, obviously, it matters. But it won’t change anything?’

From their concerned faces, Roisin could see Meredith and Gina, in a very caring way, thought she’d temporarily lost her mind. Perhaps she had.

‘It matters, full stop,’ Roisin said. ‘I have to know if my life wasn’t the life I thought it was. I have to know if I’ve been made an idiot. I have to know who Joe is.’

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