Page 59 of Between Us

Meredith put a hand on Gina’s arm.

‘For the longest time – well, the whole time – I thought being one of his best friends was the next best thing. That the worst thing would be to not see him. Now I think it’s the only thing I can do.’

‘Oh, Gina,’ Roisin said.

‘I know that’s selfish, by the way. I hate breaking up thegroup and hurting you two, or Dev, and Joe, or even Matt. I never, ever wanted to make it “me or him”. But that’s probably the way it is.’

Meredith opened her mouth to say something, and Gina shook her head to indicate, ‘I need to finish.’ She cleared her throat.

‘I have this test. I have him hidden on social media. He doesn’t know – I go in and like random things regularly enough that he can’t tell. I have him hidden, because seeing a photo of him with a girl can ruin my day. I have a physical response to it. I actually feel sick. In the good times when I think, oh, perhaps I’m getting over him at last, I check his Instagram. I find any photo of him with anyone and see if I can stand it. I never can. Imagine how it’ll be if he stays with a famous actress? I’ll have to avoid the news! It takes the piss!’

‘Actually, you can cross that worry off the list,’ Meredith said. ‘I’ve got a dirty habit of reading American gossip magazines. She’s been linked to Jon Hamm. I messaged Matt to ask if it was true and he said, “God knows, but she’s no longer seeing me.” So, there you are.’

‘Oh. Right,’ Gina said, processing this. ‘But Matt’s never going to date a normal person, is he?’

Meredith and Roisin nodded in understanding of what ‘normal’ meant in this specific context.

‘… It’s like loving him is a chronic condition. It’s been ten years, and I don’t think I’m ever going to be cured.’

‘What if, if you met someone really great …’ Meredith said cautiously.

‘This is it. I can’t meet someone, because of my thing about him! A guy at work asked me on a date, and he seems really nice but …’

‘He’s not Matt,’ Meredith finished, for her.

‘I know I was mental at Benbarrow Hall. I know he didn’t do anything wrong. I feel naked around him anyway, so once he’d literally seen me naked, it was more than I could tolerate. There’s no point me promising to be nice. It’s like I’m being low-key tormented. Matt is my tormentor, and he doesn’t want to torment me, and I don’t want him to torment me. Neither of us chose the way things are. It justis.’

As Gina finished speaking, tears rolled down her face and she said hastily, ‘I’m fine, I’m fine. Fuck, it feels good to admit it. My nude episode, it wasn’t for nothing if it means I move on. I don’t want to move on, but then I think my whole problem has been waiting until I want to move on. I know it’s what has to happen, so I have to do it. Even if it’s giving me nothing but pain right now. If that makes sense.’

Actually, to Roisin, having failed to explain her position on Joe, even to herself, it made staggering amounts of sense. Roisin and Meredith were both shiny of eye, too. They’d not grasped the extent of Gina’s suffering.

Roisin had feared Matt had been peremptory and graceless in his departure from their group; perhaps it was wise foresight. He was going, before Gina had to.

A thought occurred.

‘Did he message you? Before the Brian Club message to us all?’

Gina looked sheepish. ‘Yeah. I picked it up when we stopped at the services. He asked if it was best if he went and I said yeah. I was still angry then. Now I’m sad. Do you both blame me for being such a child that I’ve ruined the Brian Club?’

‘No,’ Roisin said. ‘You haven’t been a child and you haven’t ruined it. It will simply take different forms now.’

‘Yeah, I want you to see him! He’s not banned,’ Gina said.

‘Same with Joe. It’s not a bitter divorce,’ Roisin said, before she could think. It was only as she spoke she realised, in light of all she’d said, how strange she sounded. She supposed what she meant was, it’s not a bitter divorce,yet.

As she travelled from Urmston to West Didsbury in her taxi, Roisin suddenly realised she’d had nothing from her mum. She fumbled for her iPhone.

Did you get the biopsy result? X

Thankfully, two blue ticks appeared instantly.

MUM (MOB) is typing

MUM (MOB) is typing

MUM (MOB) is typing

MUM (MOB) is typing

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