Page 79 of Between Us

‘The twist: I still hate myself,’ Matt said, kicking a stone out of the way.

‘The blame lies with your uncle and frankly, the bystanders, if they had suspicions and did nothing. You’re the only innocent.’

‘Thanks. I’ve tried those rationalisations, too. Then I think about what my uncle must have been like to live with after the visit from the police, and …’ Matt shook his head. ‘Plus, I didn’t warn her.’ His voice wavered and he was quiet for a moment while he got control back. ‘I didn’t warn her,’ hesaid, with effort, ‘which you’re supposed to do. Believe me, I could recite all the guidance now for you off by heart. I didn’t ask her. If I’d asked her, she’d have told me not to do it. Which is why I didn’t, of course. I thought I knew better. I was going tosaveher. A twenty-three-year-old twat.’

‘Have you seen her at all, since?’

‘Nope,’ Matt said. ‘I wasn’t going to make life worse for her by seeking her out.’

‘Well,’ Roisin said, ‘If your mortal sin was taking action when no one else would, I can tell you it wasn’t one. It wasn’t your fault. Your family are wrong, and blaming you for what happened is genuinely horrific. I’ve said this to Joe many times, but I think that, if you grew up in a normal, happy family, you just can’t fully imagine the mad ones. They’re like trying to stay upright on a trampoline which everyone else is bouncing up and down on, as hard as they can.’

Matt said nothing.

‘What was your family’s reason for cutting you off?’ Roisin said.

‘It was more a deterioration. It became obvious it’d be better for everyone if I removed myself from the situation. We creaked through my brother’s wedding day for appearances’ sake, me somehow avoiding my uncle all night likeMission Impossible.After that I thought,OK, if my presence only makes everyone uncomfortable, why bother?’

‘I’m so sorry. You don’t deserve this at all,’ Roisin said, and Matt gave her a grateful but resigned shrug of the shoulders.

They walked in silence for a minute.

‘I’ve never told anyone this, even Joe,’ Roisin said, not sure whyshe was telling anyone now. ‘I didn’t think it was really boyfriend-friendly. While we’re unburdening. I slept with people I wish I hadn’t, in the first few years after my dad died.’ Roisin couldn’t look at Matt when she said this, as confiding in a male friend about this felt tricky. ‘… People who I didn’t like and didn’t want. The brief period where I thought I was a femme fatale. I dressed up as Rita Hayworth inGildafor a sixth-form fancy dress party and suddenly, overnight, I was popular. I thought, ah right, this is why Lorraine trades on it. So I had a string of boyfriends and tried to impersonate someone everyone loved, while hating myself. It took university and working at the bookshop to find my people.’

‘Ah, the self-loathing hook-ups. Yes. Why do you think I never date anyone I might end up liking?’ Matt said, terse but smiling. ‘Any photos of you as Gilda? For reference.’

Roisin laughed. This was turning out to be three miles of epiphanies.

‘When we set out on this walk, I thought we were two fun, laidback people,’ Roisin said, patting Matt on the arm. ‘In fact, we’re a pair of fuck-ups. Harrowing.’

‘Let’s never do any soul-searching again,’ Matt said.

‘Agreed,’ Roisin said. They found easy subjects to tide them over until The Mallory was once again in sight.

Roisin paused. She’d had time to think. She wanted to find a better part of herself for Matt, someone who wasn’t bedazzled by Mean Boys.

‘That was a good walk. I feel lighter,’ Roisin said, brushing her hair out of her face to look at him properly.

‘Yeah, actually, to my surprise, so do I. The importance of your 10k steps,’ he said.

‘Matt. My dad once said you often regret cowardice, but you never regret bravery.’

‘It wasn’t bravery, is the problem.’

‘Can I ask you something – do you still think he did it? Your uncle?’

Matt looked perturbed. She wondered if he regretted telling her.

‘… Yeah. I do.’

‘Then you had no choice.’

‘I did have a choice.’

‘You made the right one, which was to dosomething.’

Matt looked at the ground. ‘I could’ve done something, better.’

‘An imperfect attempt to help is better than a self-protective nothing. I know that. Your family pushed you away because they know that. They hate themselves for it, and you remind them of it. Deep down, you know that. Or you will, one day.’

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