Page 12 of You Belong With Me

‘Oh look, a deer,’ said Hannah, not seeing a deer but obviously feeling as Edie did about pursuing this further.

Not long afterwards, somewhere in their circuit of the park and across to the frozen mirror stillness of the lake, they hit the moment of endorphin release when battling the elements started to feel hearty and life affirming, instead of arduous. Even Nick became positive.

‘Yesterday was magic, by the way, Edith,’ he said. ‘I thought we must do it next year, then fretted: what if any of us aren’t available to do it next year? This is a curse of the human condition. I’ve discussed it with my counsellor. Enjoy good times; don’t become obsessed with prolonging and managingthem. The only constant in life is change.You cannot step twice into the same stream.’

‘I know you’ve switched to vaping, but are you smoking weed?’ Hannah said.

‘I’m making a valid observation about how life is in flux,’ Nick said.

‘Why can’t you step twice into the same stream?’ Meg asked, fists balled for warmth in the front pockets of her coat.

‘The water’s moved?’ Elliot said. ‘It’s not the same water?’

‘Five points to Owen – I think that’s what the Greek philosopher meant,’ Nick said. ‘And in time, the water changes the rocks.’

When the others had briefly strode on ahead, Elliot said to Edie: ‘My parents are looking forward to seeing you tomorrow. Fraz sends his apologies – he’s off to his new girlfriend’s in Suffolk.’

‘I’m looking forward to seeing them! Ah, Fraz. He and I still send each other links to idiot things every week. No words or explanation, only the raccoon getting chased by the police and so on.’

‘Sounds like my brother.’ Elliot paused. ‘You never sent them to me, though? Maybe I like felon raccoons?’ He was smiling, making it clear this was merely curiosity.

‘I wanted to message you all the time, but I knew I’d become quietly obsessed with it if we did. It’d turn into a drip-feed of false hope. Then one day I’d see a story that would explain why you didn’t reply as often any more, and I couldn’t face that – feeling like you’d betrayed me and our raccoon.’

‘I get it,’ Elliot said. ‘Or, I got it. All or nothing. I didn’t want to be friends either.’

‘Exactly.’

Edie breathed in and out, a lungful of chill oxygen, and contemplated how lucky she was. Was that what she was frightened of, accepting good fortune? The way this walk was meant to go was Edie wondering if Elliot was only fifteen minutes’ drive away, at his parents’ – or ziplining into a pool, somewhere exotic.

Instead, he was sharing the same what3words location with her:i.love.you.

They’d said it before and said it again, by the glow of the chilli fairy lights.

That other version of her Boxing Day would’ve been a sort of agony, but there was safety in it – it contained no challenges for her, other than enduring it.

Edie thought about Nick’s stoner wisdom. What part of not surrendering to happiness was fear of not staying that way?

When the good news and the bad news was: you could never achieve that certainty anyway. Let go and jump. Or rather, hold on.

6

Edie had stood outside the Owen family residence and rung the stiff brass doorbell many times, with various motives and turbulent misgivings, not so long ago.

She and Elliot had bickered at first, Edie certain he was a spoiled monstrosity. Then they’d become friends; then they’d fallen out over a misunderstanding where Elliot possessively warned his brother Fraser off Edie, as mutual feelings deepened. Then, amid the ambiguity, she’d pitched up after Margot’s funeral – full of perspective on carpe-ing the diem, and carpe-inghisdiem in particular – and flat out propositioned him. Fierce romantic entanglement ensued.

As a sort of muscle memory, Edie was almost irrationally apprehensive now. She had to remind herself that this evening she had no reason to worry, beyond wanting to continue to make a good impression on her sort-of in-laws. (Did they really think she was good enough, given their son could be dating an Oscar winner or Chanel muse? She might root him nearer home, she supposed.)

It was a short distance from her house to detached respectability in the affluent, Prius-owning suburbs, and yet it mightas well have been Wollongong for her expectation of ever returning to this address. Immaculate Victorian red-brick chimney pots contrasted against a darkening winter sky.

When Elliot answered, he unexpectedly looked so preoccupied and downcast that she had a terror he’d had some sort of second thoughts. They’d parted earlier on warm terms, after a second night of trying to have silent sex at two a.m. while three sheets to the wind. It was slightly frustrating but mostly very funny.

He offered a lacklustre ‘Hi.’

OK, that was so not Elliot-like that it was clear something was up.

He took Edie’s overnight bag from her and put it inside the door. ‘My parents are at a neighbour’s cheese and wine thing. They’ll be back by half six – we can walk over to the restaurant then,’ he said flatly, with tangible despondence.

‘Is everything OK?’ Edie asked.

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