Page 81 of Cover Story

‘You don’t have to,’ Connor said.

‘I know, but I want to, I’ve got a compulsion to spare no detail, if you can stomach it. It’s better if I own it … Eventually, Anthony’s “agony uncle” routine turns into more. I’m starting to fall for him and he’s sending email love letters, persuading me we have this huge, star-crossed …’ Bel waved her hand, ‘meeting of hearts and minds going on. I wanted to believe I was in love. I wanted a reason to leave Tim. “The next person is here, it must be time to go”, you know? It was so hard to finish it when Tim was desperate to stay together. He begged me to go to couples counselling. Ant’s married with a teenage kid, but he says that his marriage is over and he’s been looking for the courage to get out of his situation too. I’d never, ever, have interfered with a marriage, but he told me it was functionally over in every respect.’

‘Of course he did,’ Connor said.

Bel took a breath.

‘With hindsight, it was a technique. If my problem had been that Tim liked partying too much, Anthony would’ve positioned himself as Mr Steady. He found out what I wanted and he became what I wanted. A getaway car driver.’

Bel played with a beer mat and dropped eye contact.

‘It builds and builds and I let myself be persuaded into going to a hotel bar for an evening together to “talk aboutthe future”– and Connor, if that wasn’t unfaithful enough, of course I know what else is going to happen. He’s giving me enough deniability to go along with it. Anthony waits until it’s all hand-gripping and intense andwe could make this workto reveal he’s booked a room for “privacy”.’

Bel took a sip of her drink to steel herself.

‘I’m not a cheater by nature, though maybe everyone thinks that. Ant was like this big hit of dopamine in misery. Tim and I were arguing bitterly and I wanted to force things to a decision one way or another by doing something decisive. I started to believe I could follow Ant’s lead. That he knew what should happen next, and that he’d fix everything. It was total cowardice and karma has rightly been kicking my arse black-and-blue ever since. I tell Anthony he can’t touch me until I’ve told Tim it’s over– how arbitrary is that? Then my “red line” ends in a Superior Double room, giving my boss– who’s wearing his wedding ring– a blow job.’

She cast an ashamed look up at Connor and shook her head in a way that said: ‘judge me.’ He gave her a steady look in return that said he wasn’t going to.

‘Anthony leaves at 1.00 a.m. so he’s not spent the night away to alert his wife, which should’ve been a huge tell …The next day, taking the hotel bar promises seriously, I believe we’re both telling our other halves that we’ve met someone else. I mean, we have to? Because as far as I’m concerned that shouldn’t have happened and that can never happen again while Ant is with his wife. I’m naïve enough to text Ant and ask: “when is it going to be OK for us to call each other?”, you know. The admin of both of us turning the keys on the submarine. Ant calls me straight back and it’s lots of shifty mumbling about how now’snot quite the right time. But he’s super keen to “meet and talk” again. And I know, in a second … it all fucking hits me …’

Bel’s voice cracked and she deftly wiped tears away from carefully applied make-up.

‘Ah shit! Sorry, sorry …’ she said.

‘No need whatsoever to apologise to me,’ Connor said, kindly, putting his hand on her arm.

‘Absolutely loathe being a weeper,’ Bel said thickly, with a smile, as Connor murmureddon’t be silly.She cleared her throat.

‘I found out the Never Leaving His Wife men must all start like this: promising you the earth and then you realise the earth is in fact a Pyramid Scheme, a scam.Make this initial upfront payment to secure the deal.My damaged intellect finally woke up–this is an older guy who wanted a belt notch, he told you what you wanted to hear, no one’s leaving anyone.Except I was honestly intending to leave Tim. So having seen through Ant, I still have to face what it tells me about my relationship. I go home and tell Tim it’s over. He’s devastated. He’s sensed the Anthony complication. Tim points out I’ve been on my phone constantly, jumpy, distant. He asks, “are you sure there isn’t anyone else? Swear on your mum’s life”, again and again, and I say no and no and no because there isn’t– but what a shitty person that makes me. There hasn’t been a day since when I’ve not wanted to slap myself if I’ve thought about it.’

Bel’s tears threatened to make a return and she swigged her drink as an antidote.

‘I deserved it, though. I deserved to have to tell Tim we were done, not with someone else lined up and waiting for me, but with flashbacks to deeply regrettable oral sex in Hotel Du Vin with a man who declared it “super”.’

45

‘I think you’re being incredibly hard on yourself,’ Connor said.

‘I think I’m going easy on myself! I did that with someone else’s husband, and broke my ex’s heart, and I’m making out like it’s my ordeal. It’s my main character syndrome you identified.’

‘It wasyourordeal,’ Connor said, in a gentle tone. ‘Break-ups in serious long-term relationships are always really hard. Of course you agonised about it. If you’d been less of a person you wouldn’t have. You were fragile. And fuckers like that guy? They can sense fragility a mile off.’

‘Thank you, but I think I emotionally destroyed Tim. Our mothers are best friends, his family is almost my family. His nice parents, who’ve known me since I was a kid, sent me a letter telling me exactly what I’d done to him, which was an incredibly hard read.’

Bel choked up again. She couldn’t see that her falling out of love with this Tim wasn’t sadism, it was just a shame.

‘In that case, sorry, they aren’tthatnice,’ Connor said, firmly. ‘His parents? How old is Tim?

‘Same age as us.’

‘He shouldn’t have mum and dad playing HR department in his break-ups, then.’

‘Maybe he didn’t know.’

‘Men who let their parents do thatalwaysknow.’

‘He didn’t have to protect me, he didn’t owe me that.’

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