Page 82 of No Escape

I have no idea whatIcould have done to hurt his feelings, but I’m sure I’m right. The emotion radiates in my chest and stomach, and it’s impossible to confuse it with anything else.

“Are you trying to pick a fight because I hurt your feelings?” I ask, wishing it was easier for me to understand human motivations.

Having a dual diagnosis of ADHD and autism makes everything more complicated because, depending on the day, my symptoms can be in opposition to one another.

At other times, I live in that weird oval of overlap on the diagram with ADHD on one side and autism on the other. AuDHD is in the middle where the conditions overlap and form a whole new set of symptoms or behaviors. And that’s where I often feel the most accurate representation.

I have sensory issues, poor executive functioning, emotional regulation issues, and difficulty expressing my thoughts, especially when I’m overly anxious or depressed. But more than anything, I wish I was better at picking up social cues.

Maybe then I would understand what’s happening or why Shaw’s head shakes and his eyes shimmer as his jaw clenches.

It gets hard to breathe, but it doesn’t feel like it’smyemotions I’m experiencing.

I plant my hand on his chest and rub over his heart. “Are you okay?”

“Not really,” he scoffs. “I’m fucking this all up. I’m sorry.”

“Is the apology for trying to pick a fight?” I ask and grimace when he barks a laugh.

“Fucking hell, princess. I missed you so goddamn much.” His forearm tightens on my lower back, and he pulls me flush with his front like I was before I tried to escape his lap. “I spent the last three years daydreaming how it would go if I saw you again…” His fingers wrap in my hair at the base of my skull while his hand on my hip holds me in place like he’s afraid I’m going to run. “Tell me what I can do to make you stop hating me.” His heartbeat pounds under my hand as I stare up at him in confusion. I might be sitting on his lap, but he’s a hell of a lot taller than I am.

“I don’t hate you.” I give up holding myself up and settle my weight against his thighs. “I’m hurt. I want answers about what happened the night I presented.”

“Ask me anything.”

“Why did you fire me?” I ask, giving him the same opportunity to explain that I gave Leo.

“It was never about not wanting to work with you.” His jaw clenches, and his chest rises and falls rapidly as his smoky campfire scent unfurls around us. “If I didn’t step away then, I never would have. Your perfume was so thick…it made me forget things—important fucking things. You wiggled around my lap, begging me to take the pain away, and I couldn’t. None of us ever should have been in that situation in the first place.”

“The law of consent includes an exception for omegas presenting before eighteen?—”

“That doesn’t make the law morally right,” he says, shaking his head. “Every ember of my being rioted at listening to you suffer. The haze was right there, whispering that I could take your pain away, but the thing is, if I had given in, I wouldn’t have been worthy of you to begin with.”

It feels like my heart might beat right out of my chest.

I don’t remember any of that.

When I think really hard about that night, I get flashes of his face and little hits of his scent, but nothing concrete.

“I understand what you’re saying, but I don’t get why you couldn’t come back to work afterward.” My fingers tease over the soft material of the T-shirt he’s wearing. “They put me on suppressants.”

“I’m sure you and Leo had this same talk. Only, he probably managed to put it way more eloquently than I ever could.”

“We did talk, and he said a lot of the same things you are, but I want to hear it from you.”

“You wouldn’t have been safe from me,” he says, his words sounding like a dangerous promise. “I’ve always known I’ve got some pretty fucked-up morals—I don’t lose any sleep taking out the trash of the world—but there are some things I never thought would be an issue. You have no clue how much I hate myself—” He curses under his breath. “We were too compatible.” His fingers tighten in my hair, and he gently forces my head back until our eyes meet. “We still are, only you’re an adult now. You’ve had time to live away from the two of us, to grow into your own, and I’m not going to disappear again.” He pulls my face close to his and bends, barely brushing his lips over mine.

It’s not even a real kiss.

It’s a tease of touch that makes me yearn to melt into him. At least, that’s what my instincts want.

My brain is a hell of a lot more confused.

He and Leo have said the perfect things. Things I’ve waited three years to hear, and a huge piece of me wants to believe them. It’s just my pragmatic side that says trusting them could blow up in my face because it would hurt twice as badly if they disappeared all over again.

Shaw nuzzles his cheek to mine and gets close to my ear. “Really think about it, princess. Would we have volunteered to get ourselves put in here if we weren’t serious? You don’t have to believe me yet. You’ll see. Even once we escape this place, I’m never letting you out of my sight. I’ll follow you around, protect you with my life, and slowly earn back your trust.”

A violent shiver racks through my body as his warm breath fans over my neck.

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