Page 25 of Octane

I look at my text messages. This time it’s not Jackson, it’s Daniel.

Daniel: I’ll be home at 5. Make sure dinner is ready when I get there.

Tears that I didn’t want to cry start to fall. I look at the time on my phone. It’s 2:30 p.m. Slowly, I remove my jacket and shoes and place them in the coat closet. Then I decide to lie down for a little while before I get dinner started.

* * *

I’mawoken to the sound of my phone ringing. Reaching out, I feel around on my nightstand. When my hand finally lands on it, I pick it up and accept the call.

“Hello?”

“Are you sick? What’s the matter?” I hear my sister’s voice on the other end.

“What? No, why?”

I look across the room at my alarm clock. It’s 3:57 p.m.

“Because it’s four in the afternoon, and you sound like you just woke up. I thought you were working.”

It’s then that the events from earlier come flooding back. In my groggy, beaten down state, I’d momentarily forgotten what happened. I wish it was just a bad dream, but no such luck.

“If you thought I was working, then why did you call me?”

My older sister, Carissa, and I always joke about how we’re twins separated by three years. When one of us isn’t feeling well or has bad news, the other one can sense it.

“I just… wanted to make sure you were okay.”

“Oh, yeah, no. I’m okay. I got a migraine at work and came home early.”

I don’t know why we insist on lying to one another when each of us knows the other isn’t telling the truth.

“Alright, cut the shit, Sassy.”

My middle name is Anne, making my initials “SAS”. Hearing her call me by the nickname she gave me when we were little puts a smile on my face like it always does.

I take a deep breath before I describe the epic mess that I got myself into with Daniel.

“Sawyer, you know I love you, but I still don’t understand why you stay with him. Can you honestly tell me you love him?”

I think back to when we were little kids and the three of us would run around each other’s houses, not a care in the world. We would do everything together. I miss the smaller versions of the people we used to be. Back then, there wasn’t anything that Daniel wouldn’t do for me. Even though he’s closer in age to Carissa, I was the one he held a soft spot for.

“I’ll take your silence as your answer.”

“It’s complicated, Riss. You know that.”

“No, whatI knowis that you feel obligated to him. Obligated to the boy heusedto be. The one you made a promise to when you were sixteen and didn’t know what the hell you were talking about. The one who took your virginity and promised you the world. I understand the attachment that some women have to men they believe care about them, but he’s not that guy.” Carissa expresses. “Daniel is not worth it.”

If she even knew half of what I deal with from Daniel, she’d probably kill him. She hates the Kramers, and she’s not shy about hiding her feelings, even when we’re in their presence.

I wish it were that simple. I wish that leaving Daniel was even an option, but it’s not. I know because I’ve tried. Not only did he physically prevent me from leaving, but I barely have enough money to be able to survive on my own. Daniel doesn’t know about my private account. If he did, he would see it as a threat and have it closed down immediately. He likes to control all ofourmoney.

“There are so many people out there. One of them is the one for you. Not Daniel.”

Closing my eyes, I see Jackson’s face flash in my mind. My heart clenches again. I tell myself it’s because I may have ended my racing career today and not because of the feelings for him that have started to blossom. Feelings I’m having a harder time denying every second that goes by.

“Hey, I need to go get dinner started,” I change the subject. “Daniel is going to be home in an hour.”

She doesn’t answer. The only reason I know she heard me is from the loud sigh of annoyance that I hear from the other end of the phone.

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