Page 23 of The Devil's Redemption

I would kill for something stronger to help me sleep, but Hawk isn’t budging. He said my body is responding well to the withdrawal, but that’s because I wasn’t a long-term user. However, he doesn’t want to reintroduce my system to any heavy narcotics for now because it could catapult me into addiction. He’s even begun tapering off the Suboxone, a little each day to minimize additional withdrawal symptoms.

I understand and appreciate why he’s doing what he’s doing, but every time I close my eyes, I see him.

Jasper.His hands on my skin.

Jasper. His tongue between my legs.

Jasper.His body covering mine.

The thought of it all sends the measly lunch I just finished right back up and all over my blanket. My throat burns as the food forces its way back from where it just came. Tears spring from the corners of my eyes as every muscle in my body seizes in protest of the offending sustenance.

Thank God Blade just left with the tray of food he brought me so he’s not here to see me in all my glory. I don’t need him or anyone else to see me like this. I pull the blanket away from me and carefully lower my feet to the ground next to the bed. I ball up the blanket as best as I can to keep any from escaping.

As soon as I’m standing upright, I can feel the full force of my injuries. My legs feel like they’re made of jelly, and achy doesn’t even begin to describe how much pain the rest of my body is in. I slowly put one foot in front of the other to test out whether or not I can walk. When I don’t fall, I quicken my steps toward the trashcan on the other side of the room.

In my haste to rid myself of the soiled fabric, I completely forget that I am still hooked to my IV. I feel a quick tug on the needle in my arm when I get too far away from my machine, and I scream in agony, dropping to the floor. Angry at myself for my stupidity, I search through my tears to find the edge of the tape on my arm so I can remove the damn thing. I don’t need it anymore anyway. I have plans to go back home very soon, and I won’t be able to take it with me.

Tearing the tape away, I pull the needle from my skin and watch a trail of blood slither down my arm just as Blade and Hawk come running through the door and rush to my side.

“Shit, Sasha!” Blade screams. “What happened? Are you okay?”

Hawk squats next to Blade a moment later, placing a piece of gauze over my puncture. I look each of them in their eyes, and I can see neither are happy with me. But, all I feel is resentment. They’re going to have to get over it because I don’t give a fuck what they think. They’re both part of the reason I’m here. I can’t forget that.

“No!” I sob. “No, I’m not fucking okay, Blade. I’ve been abducted, beaten, held captive, released, abducted again, beaten again, sadistically and repeatedly violated, and forcefully drugged all in the span of a month. He took me because ofyou.This is allyourfault!”

I catch the look of regret in Blade’s steel gaze before I realize that I am in a fit of full-on hysterics. Rocking back and forth, it’s as though I’m on the edge of a cliff, and I don’t know if I want to be saved or if I want to hurl myself off of it.

“I’m so far from okay, I can barely breathe…”

Hyperventilation is setting in. I can see spots dotting my vision.

Shallow, ragged breathing.

“I—” I begin.

But I can’t think anymore. I can’t speak. All I can do is feel and cry.

It hurts. Everything hurts.

My body. My heart. My soul.

Every part of my life feels so far beyond repair. Like a violent earthquake crumbled everything to dust, and there’s no possible way to glue it all back together. I want to go back to not feeling anything.

Blade lifts me from the ground and walks over to the bed. Climbing in, he settles me on his lap. He doesn’t tell me to calm down. He doesn’t tell me that everything is going to be all right. Instead, he gently rubs his palm over my rat’s nest of a hairdo and whispers in my ear.

“I’ve got you, little girl. You don’t have to go through this alone. Give me your pain, and let me help you heal.”

I clutch onto Blade’s shirt like it’s the only thing keeping me alive. I love him, through this entire ordeal that fact remained clear. So why can I not stand his touch anymore? I’m so angry with him, and I don’t want to be near him right now, yet the thought of leaving his side terrifies me. Jasper and his band of evil idiots really did a number on me, physically and mentally.

Will I ever be able to get back to the person I once was?

I want that more than anything, but right now it seems impossible.

* * *

When I wake up again, I’m glued to Blade’s side in my bed. The gentle way my head is rising and falling with his chest tells me he’s asleep. My head feels a little clearer than it did before my outburst. As I inhale his scent, I remind myself this is real. That I’m not dreaming this time.

Relief runs through me, and I feel tears pricking my eyes once more. I’ve never cried so much before in my entire life. With a light sniffle, I reach my hand up to wipe a tear away. I notice I have a new needle in my opposite arm, but this one isn’t connected to an IV bag.

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