Page 54 of Injustice and Absolution

When Maggie doesn’t offer up anything further, Delilah turns back to me. This time, resolve shines brightly in her eyes. She’s no longer waiting for me to stop her. Only for me to release her, with my blessing. I clear my throat and beg myself not to fuck things up any more than I already have.

“If you need anything, call. Day or night.” I nod, hoping she picks up on the severity of what I’m saying.

I need her to understand that I will always be here for her, no matter what. And none of my feelings toward her leaving or what happened between us in the past will ever change that.

When she returns my nod, I swallow the emotion that’s threatening to surface and exit my office. I don’t know how Maggie and Delilah leave things, but as close as they are, I have no doubt they will find their way back to the sisterhood they once had.

As formyrelationship with Delilah?

I don’t think there is enough time left in this life to heal the wounds I’ve inflicted upon her.

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

DELILAH

The past week has been a whirlwind.

I’d hoped I would have heard from Maggie by now or that she would have made time to come see my new apartment. But she’s still hurting from how we left things, and far be it from me to speed up anyone’s healing process.

As much as her words stung the day I moved out, I suppose I can understand where she’s coming from. I did spring it on her.

When we were younger, we used to dream of moving out together one day. Maggie would talk about the type of décor she’d want and about all the fun parties we could throw.

But then Fernando became the center of her life, and that talk quickly faded. But I never got upset, outwardly, with her for abandoning our dreams when he came along.

The one time I suggested she and I finally move into our own place, she said she couldn’t do that and save money for her future with Fernando at the same time.

I understood. Like I always do.

Despite what I told Maggie the day I left, about all the carefully executed plans I’ve made for my survival, I never expected to have a place of my own at twenty.

And I was scared.

The first night, Drew asked me if I wanted him to stay over. In truth, I did … desperately. But there was also a strong pull to spend that night on my own. To get to know my new space by myself.

And it was agony. I shared my bed with a crushing sense of dread and the echoes of the wordmistakeringing in my ears.

A word I fear will haunt my every decision for the rest of my life.

I picked up my phone to call and message both Drew and Maggie a hundred times but never hit send on any of them.

I didn’t want to admit to anyone, myself included, that I might not have made the best choice. Eventually, I was able to get myself to believe that I don’t handle change well and that I will settle into a new routine in no time.

Drew stayed over the next night, and it was great. Except for the fact that he pointed out each and every flaw in the four walls surrounding us.

The paint is chipping over there. There is a leak in the unit above you—see the wet spot over the sink in the kitchen? It’s a shame this place doesn’t have its own washer and dryer.

He’s stated time and time again that I deserve better than thislevel of squalor,as he puts it.But what I’m having a hard time explaining to him is that this is all I can afford. And being on my own is an important rite of passage for me.

I missed out on so many when I was younger, I don’t want to miss any more.

He apologized but said it’s hard for him not to want the best for me. He also admitted the nitpicking is due, in part, to his desire for me to move in with him.

“Can I truly be faulted for wanting you to warm my bed every evening? To worship your body whenever I want and wake up to your adorable bed head every morning?”

Thinking back to his sweet words brings a smile to my face as I lock the doors to Mathieu. It’s my night to close. Sienna, who hasn’t spoken to me since finding out Drew and I are together, left about an hour ago. The store was slammed tonight, and I’ve been running around, trying to get everything straightened up as best I can so I’m not stuck here for hours after closing.

While being alone increases the chances that my intrusive thoughts will creep back into my brain, I try to appreciate the fact that I am finally providing for myself. I’m in charge of my own life, my own destiny. And it’s an incredible feeling.

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