Page 115 of Misery and Ecstasy

Instead, I scrub a hand down my face.

Fortunately, he takes that as his cue to leave.

* * *

I feel like Dr. Faust has been breathing down my neck the last few days.

He’s asking me to do the impossible.

Waiting for me to make a decision that is beyond any measure of capability I possess.

Cheryl has placed the responsibility on me and me alone. She can’t bring herself to make a choice any more than I can, but she also doesn’t feel like it’s hers to make.

Kins and I discussed this.

After she was released from Park, before we got the call from Dr. Faust.

In the quiet midnight hours, wrapped around one another in our bed, she confessed each of her fears to me.

One of them was her fear of losing herself. Her independence. Her faculties.

She made me promise that I wouldn’t keep her alive for the sake of being alive. She didn’t want to live if it meant having to rely on me or anyone else to do everything for her. If she couldn’t enjoy our life together. If she couldn’t continue helping others.

I promised her.

I promised her.

But it may be the one promise I’m forced to break.

As a tear rolls down my face, I scoot forward in my seat and place my elbows on the edge of McKinsey’s bed.

Clasping my hands together, I close my eyes and tilt my face to the ceiling.

“Mom. Dad. I know I haven’t taken the time to speak to either of you in a while. I’m sorry about that. But I’ve been dealing with a lot here. I know you’re disappointed about what happened between me and Mitchell, and I’m sorry for that, too. I’m sorry for not being stronger after Mom’s funeral, almost throwing away the very life the two of you gifted me. But I can’t be sorry about where it led me. Or where you led me because of it.

“You sent her to me, didn’t you, Dad? Years ago, before I ever knew how it would feel to need someone as badly as I need her. I didn’t recognize the impact she made on me so early on. But with each interaction, she’s been changing me. Fixing me. Breathing new life into me.

“And Mom… When I needed someone to pull me from the deepest pit of despair, you placed her in my path, making sure she was the one to rescue me. I know you did. You always had a plan in place. You would do anything in your power to see me thrive.”

I drop my head and open my eyes. Finding McKinsey’s hand, I hold it between mine.

“I needed her then. I need her now. You sent her to me before. I need you to do it again.”

Standing, I place a kiss on Kins’s forehead before speaking to her.

“McKinsey, my love for you isn't something I could have ever predicted.Youare something I never predicted. Miracles don’t happen to people like me, Kins, yet that’s what you are.”

I rub my thumb over her knuckles.

“You’re a fucking miracle.”

With my free hand, I push a wild wisp of hair away from her face.

“And I know you have the fight in you to overcome this. I’ve seen it before. I’m begging you to find that fire again. Beat this, Kins, and come back to me in whatever way you can. Because selfish as it may be, I'm not ready to lose you. Iwon’tfucking lose you.”

Closing my eyes again, I try to compose myself. I can feel another breakdown barreling toward me. I pinch the bridge of my nose as I squeeze my eyes together.

When I feel slight movement in my other hand, the one still holding onto Kins, I think I imagine it.

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