Page 43 of Magic Betrayed

Yeah, it sounded pretty bad when he put it like that. And that wasn’t even a full list.

“But somehow I just realized that you’ve also been carrying a lot of guilt that isn’t yours to bear.”

He had no idea.

“I think you blame yourself for more than the magic you carry. You blame yourself for all the people you didn’t save when you escaped. For failing to protect Kes and Ari and Logan from whoever took them. And now for the possibility that someone else will be hurt in the process of finding them.”

I did. Of course I did.

I’d made a lot of progress after the battle with Blake. Laid aside my guilt over the magic forced upon me and recognized that Elayara’s actions were not my fault. I hadn’t chosen to be her prisoner. It hadn’t been my decision to experiment with people’s lives, or to cause untold suffering to her many victims. But if I was going to find a way to heal, I also had to own the things thatweremy fault.

“I’ve made a lot of selfish choices,” I told him flatly. “Both back then and now. I know there’s no shame in using the magic Elayara forced on me. I can’t change what was done, and the best way to honor her victims, the best way to make this life I’ve been given worthwhile, is not to hide, but to use this power to protect others.”

Callum’s expression turned odd, but I wasn’t ready to hear him say that none of this was my fault.

“But it was me that chose to run with only the four of us. Because I was afraid that if I went back, none of us would make it. I told myself I would help the others escape as soon as we were safe, but now I’ll never know whether I was just lying to make myself feel better. Whether I would have chosen to give up my own safety in order to save them. And after we came here, after Faris gave us a home, I also chose to ignore the potential dangers because I just wanted to not be afraid for once.”

I’d wanted to catch my breath, just for a moment. To pretend we could have a normal life.

“So now, because I was so desperate for something simple and normal, because I didn’t trust anyone with the truth of who might be hunting us, I’ve gotten everyone caught up in this new fight. Spending their time, risking their lives, trying to help us. And for what?”

I shifted in my seat, turning towards Callum, begging him to understand. “I’ve brought nothing but trouble to any of you. And I have next to nothing to offer in the future. I have no knowledge any of you need, no unique power, no special abilities. All I can see is this mountain of debt that keeps growing and growing with no way to pay it back. No way that I’ll ever be enough to justify what’s been sacrificed for me, let alone for Kes, for Ari, and for Logan.”

I hadn’t meant to say all that. To sayanyof that. It made me too vulnerable. Laid too much of my heart bare for him to see.

So why had I picked Callum for all of this emotional vomit?

He didn’t speak for a few moments, as if waiting to make sure that I had no more to say. But what morewasthere?

“I understand the burden of guilt over things you have no control over,” he said at last. He didn’t sound angry. Didn’t even sound judgmental. He just sounded like… himself. Like a person I was beginning to associate with more than just stubbornness, responsibility, and strength. He was also patient. Thoughtful. Sacrificial. Willing to carry the burdens of others without complaint.

All very strange things to say about a dragon I’d once viewed as the greatest threat to my existence.

“But Raine, somewhere in all of this, I think you’ve been missing a voice to remind you that you don’t need to do anything to justify your survival.”

It wasn’t that I was trying to justify my survival… was I?

“You should know that you—just you, as you are—are worth protecting.”

My mouth opened to tell him he was wrong, but no sound came out, because something in my chest cracked. Not audibly, but I felt the breach in my walls, caught a glimpse of everything that lurked behind them, and caught my breath in a gasp I knew he could hear.

I was worth protecting.

I recognized each individual word in that sentence, but taken together, they meant nothing. Nothing I could make sense of. Nothing I dared believe. Because if they were true…

“I can’t.” I said honestly, my voice trembling with the effort. My words were raw and bleeding, and they probably told him too much, but there was no other way to stop this. “I don’t think I can hear this right now. I want to believe it, but if I try…”

I was afraid. Afraid of what I might find behind that wall. Afraid of losing control and being forced to confront all the bodies I’d buried—the corpses of hopes and dreams that had died long ago. I didn’t dare unearth those ghosts until I was somewhere far safer than a late night scavenger hunt with my family’s lives at stake.

“I’m not going to push you,” Callum said quietly. “But neither will I watch you drive yourself to the breaking point under this burden of guilt that’s eating you alive. We don’t help you because we believe there’s something for us to gain. We help you because you’re one of us. You’re family now, and family doesn’t abandon each other. Not ever.”

I heard the echo of Faris’s gruff voice as he left my apartment…

I don’t want her going off and getting herself killed before she figures it out.

Was this what he was talking about?

“There is no math you can use to explain this,” Callum continued. “No equation that tells us how much help we’re allowed to receive, or how much we’re supposed to give.”

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