Page 52 of The Filth Kings

“I’m sorry, Monster. I’ll leave, I don’t need the extra money that you’re offering.” I pushed the words out painfully as a low sob left my throat.

Slowly, I made my way to his room door.

“You don’t understand what it’s like or how hard it is, do you? To have someone so got damn precious, beautiful, someone that understands you and loves you for who you are and not what they can do for you. To dream about the future, freedom, and life with that person. You both share the same fuckin’ pain… then… the devil burns them right before your eyes, stealing their life and its nothing that you can do to… SAVE HER!” His voice vibrated off the walls.

“I don’t understand, nor do I know. I crave that kind of love, I want to know what it feels like…to not be judged for the things I’ve done from making dumb decisions. Loving the wrong man was detrimental for me, but I know that God sent me a broken soul in you. That’s why I stopped being afraid of you…” My voice wavered as I kept my back to him.

“It’s no coincidence that you saved me before, and now I’m here.” My chest tightened as a lump formed in my throat, making it hard for me to speak.

“You’re broken in ways that I see clearly; it explains the way you talk and the way that you carry yourself. I know that it’s someone else’s fault. You don’t want to acknowledge how broken you are…I just know that I’m here, like you are here for a reason. Doesn’t matter if it was contracted or not. I’m here to fix the part of you that’s been buried under all of this darkness. Just like you are here to help me find my purpose. I’ve been lost and searching for something that I’ve been missing in my life for so long that I didn’t even know that I was missing purpose. I was afraid to admit that to myself but you’re the one who’s meant to show me the way.” I exhaled shakily.

It was the scary truth. I didn’t understand the pull at first between him and I. I discovered it earlier when I watched the furniture guys move around his house. I stood in the same spot thinking of how my feelings for him blossomed so fast. I didn’t think about Chedda once since being under the same roof with Monni.

“I believe with everything in me that God brought us together. You—with all of your pain and brokenness is meant to be a part of my journey. We are here to help each other heal and save each other, so we can actually live,” I said softly, feeling my emotions spill out of me

I wasn’t just trying to offer him a hand, but a piece of me in exchange for a piece of him. Although it sounded bizarre and crazy, and I didn’t know how to explain it to him. This was more than just feeling something for him. A certain word had been swirling in my head for days. I denied the word because it was too soon, but I felt it in my chest, and now it couldn’t be ignored. It was too strong, too real.

Monni was so different and complicated; he was very distant but there was something in him that made me want to be here regardless of the red flags.

“I’m drawn to you in a way that I can’t control. I know it’s too soon to say that I love you, but I’ve never felt anything like this before. It’s more than an attraction or the way you touch, lick, or fuck me?—”

“Go!” His voice boomed.

I jumped then dropped my head in defeat. I didn’t want to leave but wouldn’t force myself to stay where I wasn’t welcomed.

“Okay, I’ll go.” My lips trembled as my heart shattered from his cold rejection. It took a lot of courage to say all of what I just expressed to him. I thought that it hurt when Chedda did me cold, this here felt worse.

I tightened my towel around my chest then gripped my left arm. I stroked up and down my arm, hoping to find comfort. Nothing was working, it was best for me to bow out gracefully and pray that he gets the help and love that he desperately needed.

“Any love that I gave you, Monster…It’s yours to keep.”

Twenty-Four

I didn’t hearthe door click shut behind her but I knew she left out of my room. My heart was still pounding, chest tight as fuck. The words that I’d thrown at her still hung in the air. I didn’t need her pity, nor did I need her to fix me. I needed Natavi to know boundaries and respect them. I hated that I was feeling anything for her right now.

My world was full of chaos right now, as always. Too much was happening back-to-back. I found it hard to wrap my head around everything. Murder had been on my mind since I saw Jalissa. She would pay for everything extra that she added on to in my already complicated fucked up life.

Natavi didn’t deserve most of what I said, and she didn’t need to fall for a man like me. Silence screamed in my ears as I looked down at Emi’s picture. My stomach clenched tight as I tried to fight the ache in my chest. I needed to relieve the heavy bricks sitting on my shoulders. I couldn’t stand it any longer, the sight of Emi caused me to drop down to my knees. I couldn’t stop my hands from shaking. I tried to convince myself that I didn’t care about Natavi leaving because I figured that I was better off alone, and she was better off without my fucked-up ass.

“I couldn’t save you, so I can’t save her…Emi.” I mumbled as I kissed the cracked glass frame. It wasn’t fair at all, why should I experience something good when Emi never got a fair chance to?

Before I knew it, my tears wouldn’t stop, they came out fast and hard which pissed me off further. I hated feeling weak, but my past came rushing back into my head. I gasped for air as I choked off the grief that filled me up to the brim. Every painful memory, every scar, every time that a sick bastard kicked me harder in the back when I was already down on my knees begging for mercy, none was shown.

A high-pitched scream snapped me out of my own thoughts and emotions as panic filled me. I dropped the framed photo and ran out of the room as my eyes scanned the hallway wildly. Natavi low sobs came from the living room that I damaged soon as I walked in the house.

Seeing me and Emi’s picture made me spiral out of control. That part of me, I kept closed off for reasons to protect my own set of triggers that put me in a dark place. I rushed into the living room and saw Natavi on the floor surrounded by glass. Her pretty face contorted in agony as she cried, holding her right foot in her lap. There was so much blood everywhere, the bottom of my boots crunched down on bits and pieces of glass.

“I’m so-sorry. I just wanted to see all the damage that you did. I had this place nice, Monster.” She frowned and continued to cry.

My body came down instantly off the rage that had built up inside of me from when I walked in the door. I started to feel like shit as I looked around at all the broken vases and bookshelves that I tossed around the room. The coffee table, I picked up and tossed it to this area that I was standing in. Sorry was on the tip of my tongue but it sounded so foreign in my head. The only woman that I ever apologized to was…Emi.

I said nothing, I bent down and scooped her up in my arms. Her naked body was cold and still a little damp from the shower she took. She smelled like warm vanilla as I walked her down the hall, pass my room and toward her guest bedroom. Natavi buried her face in my shoulder, her body shook as she sobbed lowly and trembled in my arms.

I could feel her hurt from my rejection…it did something strange to me. Soon as I entered the guest room, I took in the layout and how she redecorated the room. She gave all of this thought, and she did it to make me happy. I crushed it all except this room, and although it was my money wasted, it was her thought and care stomped on.

“I—I’m…” I sucked in a deep breath.

I placed her gently down on the bed as the word sorry bubbled up in my throat. It felt wrong, like I would be showing too much of myself and then proving her words from earlier to be right…

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