Page 67 of The Filth Kings

“Talk to me, baby.” I spoke in a hushed tone.

“I—I haven’t been taking birth control. My period hasn’t came on since I’ve been here. If I’m pregnant…I don’t want to get rid of my baby, Monni.” She choked out.

Natavi sniveled and cried softly into my chest. I stroked her back in circles and closed my eyes for a couple of seconds.

“Monni?” She called my name frantically.

“Shhh, I’m thinking.” I continued to stroke her back.

My entire world tilted as I kept moving my hand up and down her back. The water rained down on us as I felt the heat between our still bodies. Happiness and sadness coursed through me from what she admitted. A thousand things collided, making my chest constrict.A baby…My baby….I thought as I swallowed down a painful lump in my throat.

Darkness crept into my train of thinking. My hand faltered on her back as I balled my fingers into a loose fist to stop the shaking. Love…Acceptance…all of that was foreign and new to me. It still at times felt impossible to obtain. I woke up next to Natavi most days thinking that I was just dreaming, and at any moment, a new nightmare would begin. Impurity and Jalissa’s face flashed through my mind as I grew rigid; my body locked up, but my shaking couldn’t be contained.

I thought about the absence of love in every word that they never said. They never wanted me, they didn’t want none of us but themselves. If they couldn’t love me, how could I expect to give what I’ve never had? I told Natavi that I was in love because I didn’t know what other better way to describe what I was feeling for her. It was true, but a baby…my baby…How would I treat it?

“Baby, relax, please.” Natavi sat up in a panic. She placed her hand on top of my chest and held my hand.

Her thumb caressed the top of my hand as she tried to soothe me.

“I don’t know if I’m pregnant just yet. I mean, I think I am…but I’m not sure. Monni, relax!” She leaned in and placed kisses all over my face.

“Take deep breaths, baby.”

I heard her but she sounded so far away. It felt like I couldn’t breathe, I started to panic as I gasped for air to fill my lungs. My heart pounded so hard, making it feel like it was getting ready to pop out of my chest. Every inch of me shook, my body felt like it was made out of glass getting ready to shatter at any moment.

“Hey, baby…Breathe with me and try to relax, okay?”

I tried to focus on her, but my mind raced with jagged thoughts which caused it to spin too fast for me to relax. I felt the weight of her small hands that pressed against my shoulders. She grounded me in place while one of her hands ran along my arm like she did herself when her own anxiety got the best of her. She stroked my arm in slow soothing motions as she continued to talk to me.

“Breathe in. Slowly, then hold it…Now breathe out.” Natavi’s voice wrapped around me, gentle and insistently.

“I got you always, you have to trust me, too.” Her heavy tear drops fell on top of my face mixed in with the water that now felt icy cold.

I don’t know how many times it took, nor how long I remained in the same panicked state. Slowly, the world started to come back into focus, my dizziness lifted and the tightness in my chest loosened. My hands followed by the rest of my body stopped shaking just a little. I felt like I wasn’t losing control over myself anymore.

“Feeling better, baby?” She smiled sadly.

I nodded my head, not wanting to move my body just yet. I felt raw and exposed, like I just gone through an invisible war. I trembled lightly, still trying to catch my breath. The best thing about it all, was Natavi holding me, not letting go with no judgement in her eyes.

“Come on, let me dry you off and get you in the bed. You need to eat and get rest.” She stood then swirled around to turn off the panel of water.

My thoughts felt like fire and ice mixing together. I told myself that I could do it all. I could prove them wrong and show them if they watched from the afterlife that I could be a better parent then Jalissa and Impurity. I’m going to give it my all and force myself to realize that they didn’t define my future.

Once I stood to my feet and stepped out of the shower with Natavi close behind me. She dried me off from head to toes then made me get in the bed. Natavi confidently walked out of the room and came back with a plate of baked BBQ chicken, brussel sprouts, and chicken rice. I loved her cooking, and although today she cooked something light, I tore it down then rested on my side.

Minutes later, Natavi’s arms slipped around me, warm and firm. She pulled my back against her and every muscle in my body tensed like I had gotten hit with an electric shock. My mind instantly screamed for space because it was what I was used to. Her soft breasts pressed against my back unyielding, I froze and couldn’t move. I didn’t do shit like this, I didn’t know what it was that she was trying to do. Natavi’s breath was warm against the back of my neck, her chin rested below my ear. I counted the number of times her chest rose and fell.

I told myself to pull away but my body had a mind of its own right now. My heart thundered in my chest as her delicate fingers rubbed up and down my arm. I loved it, I never thought I would love something so simple but it made me feel wanted. It made my chest ache at how perfectly she fit up against me. Was Natavi teaching me how to hold and make her feel secure in my arms. Maybe we needed to take turns at this because I loved it. My body relaxed. I chuckled at my own thinking as I let my guard slip away.

“You okay, baby?” She shifted a little, enough for me to still feel her warm body pressed against mine.

Relief washed over me, and I felt peace. Natavi anchored me to something that wasn’t chaos for once. My heart slowed down and my breathing returned to normal.

“I know that you are pregnant…I panicked bad about it. I never had none of what you’re bringing to me. I don’t know how to operate outside of destruction. But I love this shit, and I’ll do anything to keep it and prove that I’m better than my parents. You teaching me love, I’m embracing it so I can give it to you and our baby.” I picked up her hand and kissed the back of it then closed my eyes.

Thirty-Two

I got sotired of being without clothes today, I eyed my silk white sheet on top of the bed for minutes. Boredom really had gotten the best of me again. It had been two days since Maylee and I explored each other’s bodies. I turned down the tablet and now I hated myself for it. I was back to the same boring schedule with nothing to do and no one to talk to.

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