Page 21 of The Filth Kings II

I felt the tears slip from the corners of my shut eyes. Natavi called my name but I was too overcome with emotions that I tried to keep buried inside of me.

“Jalissa…my mother came to my rescue. I was so crushed about Emi, my thoughts was still on all the fire fighters running in as I ran out. I wondered if they saved her. Jalissa took me to a house, gave me an empty room until we came back to the states. I wondered why I couldn’t live with her, after all, she was my mom…we were supposed to be reunited…you know, making up for lost time. I took whatever she dished out, although she was cold with it. She reminded me that I was a grown man and had to find a way like she did after I was ripped away from her as a baby. It’s a lot more to that shit, but now I understand why she was never at the apartment she kept me at out here. She was hiding my youngest brother Octavio from me, and all the fucked up shit she did to him. I was—” I choked up trying to rush the last bit of my words out.

“I was full of anger and full of love when I killed my parents, Natavi…You, and then the baby…made me feel so much love…I didn’t bother to get closure from Impurity and Jalissa because there was none to receive. I knew their answers to why they discarded me the way that they did would only make me angrier than I already was.”

“Monni…” Natavi said my name sadly.

I moved my lips but nothing came out. I saw Emi’s face, it was locked into the forefront of my mind. Her questioning eyes always made me freeze up whenever I thought of her. She appeared the same way in my dreams, it wasn’t an angry look, but a ‘why didn’t I do something’ look. I asked myself the same damn thing over and over. Why wasn’t I strong enough to pull her out afterwards? I couldn’t even be happy that I survived and was free. I remembered being pulled away so fast while firemen ran in…Did they save her? Where was she buried? No matter how bad I wanted to rid myself of those questions they always came back.

I questioned God so many times and not just with that particular situation. I wondered why did he allow for me to go through so much fucked up shit during my entire childhood then expect me to live happy and normal in my adulthood.

“Please, don’t touch me right now.” I choked out the words.

That was another thing that plagued my mental. Inappropriate touching, muthafuckas violating my young body over and over with no remorse. I remember the grunts and moans of satisfaction and pleasure reeking from them as they took what they wanted from me. The control that they held over me. I remembered ever fuckin’ second like it was tattooed to the back of my skull. It was a feeling that would never leave me, it’s why I walked around hollow inside for years. I hated that I couldn’t track down every last one and kill them with my bare hands.

I snatched my pillow from underneath my head and buried my face in it. I didn’t have enough time because my emotions weren’t patient. I sobbed into the pillow, attempting to release the horror and pain that clawed throughout my insides. I felt dirty, tainted, never to recover from none of the things that I sometimes thought I was free of.

My chest heaved like I was being dragged under water. My ribs started to ache from the pressure of holding everything in for too long. I was so enraged when I finally got the moment to kill Jalissa and Impurity that I couldn’t find it in me to ask them why? I look at my son and could never imagine having one evil negative thought toward him. So why the fuck did they have that toward me? I felt myself spiraling to no return until I felt her….

Natavi’s arm slid underneath and around me slow and carefully. I appreciated her silence in the moment but still couldn’t bring myself to look at her. With all of the breath and might locked inside of her, she brought me close then laid her head against the back of my head. Her warmth sunk into the cold parts of me as her hot tears dampened the waves in my head.

“I’m here.” She whispered over and over to me. It sounded like a prayer that I never knew I needed.

“I’ll never leave you or do you wrong, Monni.” She caressed my back softly.

I cried harder because I believed her, yet I still felt like I didn’t deserve the security of having her forever. I didn’t deserve love, or safety, or to even feel whole. I kicked those negative thoughts and replaced them with ‘I do’ deserve it, that was the sick and twisted side of me trying to take the new life that took years to get to. Natavi was here…my baby was here…I had brothers. An actual family, with people that truly loved me.

I had to trust Natavi and my brothers more, while I let them all in…I still kept my guard up high. For the first time in a long time…I let loose of all the control I possessed and fell apart in her arms as she rocked me gently, confessing all the love that I knew she had.

Chapter10

Natavi

Idrove in silence to Angel’s house with guilt riding me hard. I needed this car ride to myself, to be alone for self-reflection and my own thoughts that was starting to get the best of me. My entire pregnancy, I considered my own feelings and put myself first. I tended to Monni but not in the same way he tended to me.

Most men would have walked away from how bad my attitude and mood changes got. Deep down, I knew that he wasn’t cheating, but at the same time, my own insecurities led me to believe that he was. Monni showed me from the very beginning that he was in good control over himself. He would eat my pussy for weeks without fucking me. Now my mind was wondering if I went too far the days that I pressed him for sex.

I felt so fucked up for accusing him of cheating since he didn’t want to have sex all of the time with me. I realize now that it was super childish of me. Although his sex was always good and it made me feel like I was on a cloud of my own…I didn’t stop to think when Monni took his breaks from sex because of his past traumas. I had to make it up to him and do better. My man deserved a woman that could make him feel so good about himself that the past wouldn’t eat at him as much. I couldn’t erase what happened to him, and I knew I would have to fight tooth and nail to get him to some form of therapy.

The least I could do was continue to be there and not be someone stressing him the hell out. Especially for the little things that I constantly complained about.

He didn’t flat out say who he was raped and taken advantage by. It didn’t matter to me if it was a man or a woman, being a kid and being hurt in that manner was fuckin’ awful. It made me furious as hell, it also made me understand why he was so closed off and hard to trust others. He tried to rid himself of all of those painful memories, which in return made him uphold a stone wall.

At times he was very closed off, moody, and quiet. I wondered if he was thinking about his past now when he went silent. For the past three days after he broke down in my arms from confessing his past, he tended to our son, Neosyne. Monni helped with cleaning since he told our house maid that we no longer needed her services. We sat together and ate as a family, he held me at night until I fell asleep in his arms and that was it.

All of it seemed normal, yet, I had this overwhelming feeling taking over me. Even as I navigated my car to Angel’s house, I noted his security detail three cars behind me. Monni was going to Thailand, there was nothing that I could do to stop him from going either. I couldn’t lose my man, it would kill me if he went out there and something happened to him. I knew me going with him was out of the question.

This morning, he mentioned me going to stay with either Angel, Octavio, or Detavio. Today he had a meeting with his brothers to let them know what he planned on doing alone. I wanted to protest, he didn’t need to go by himself at all. How the fuck would I know if he was safe and returning back to me and Neosyne? He kept our son glued to him; like today, he took him with him to meet with the men.

I started to think about how much my Monni changed since the very beginning. He thought he was ugly inside out, and was surprised that I even wanted to be seen outside with him in public. That alone broke my heart… right then and there, I knew that I wanted to heal him. At the time I was broken myself; at first, I only cared about the payment I’d receive for being there with him. Until I realized that he was my soulmate…I knew that I would heal Monni, and in return… he’d do the same for me.

“Go to your room and empty your suitcase,” he stated in an annoyed tone.

“Why?” I asked.

“Just do it!” His words slammed into the air, carried by a venomous edge that made me flinch hard.

“Talk too fuckin’ much!” He bellowed.

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