Page 70 of The Love Match

Dalia dozes off with her head pillowed on her arms on a couch cushion. Ximena and Dani aren’t far behind, snoring on the love seat, the unanswered questions between them temporarily forgotten. Ximena’s head rests on Dani’s shoulder, while Dani’s cheek flattens Ximena’s curls. Poor Mena had been too drowsy to even remember her silk cap.

They’ll all have cricks in their necks tomorrow, but I don’t have the heart to wake them. Smiling tenderly, I tiptoe over to the hall closet and grab three spare quilts, draping one over Dani and Ximena and another over Dalia, who snuggles into it at once. The last one I wrap around myself like a cape.

I’m not sleepy yet, though. In fact, I’ve been struggling to sleep since Eid, which means Nanu hasn’t had to tempt meout of bed with breakfast to do Fajr prayers for the first time inever. Sadly, try as I might, none of my prayers have come true yet.

Cross-legged on the bottom step of the stairs so I don’t disturb anyone else in the house, I rifle through Dalia’s travel bag to see what else she’s packed. My groping fingers tense when I feel the spirals of the notebook I wrote in that night with Nayim after work. I take it out and open it to a blank page.

Dalia must have swiped it from my desk before she left, figuring I might want something to write in, since she’s also tossed in a few of my most glittery gel pens. But I haven’t so much as looked at it since the night of the disastrous dinner with Nayim and my family. Our breakup and Professor Liu’s radio silence haven’t helped.

The pads of my fingertips brush over the page. It would be a shame to tarnish it when none of my thoughts make sense, when I don’t even know if my so-called muse has left the country, if he’s okay, if I’ll ever see him again.

But it’s not Nayim I miss like a lung as I trace the lines of the paper.

Harun…

Sweet, earnest, dorky Harun, who has been such a good friend to me ever since we met, even when I made it difficult for him.

Harun, who still replies, instead of deserting me entirely.

Ximena’s wisdom returns to me, and I can’t deny the truthin it any longer:We’ve got to stop pretending everything’s all right all the time.

I’m so sick and tired of pretending.

Before I can talk myself out of it, I retrieve my phone and press the FaceTime button, ensuring that the volume is too low to bother my slumbering friends.

It’s only when he answers that I admit to myself how desperately I longed to see him, and how sad I was at the prospect that he wouldn’t want to see me.

I drink in the sight of Harun.

His expression is guarded when he mutters, “What’s up?” but I spy telltale signs of sleeplessness in the bruises beneath his eyes and his—admittedly adorable—rumpled curls.

“Are you okay?”

His pupils dart away from the screen. “Fine. Why?”

“Harun…” A lump rises in my throat. Before I can stop myself, I whisper, “I hate that you’re looking at me like this again.”

Harun scowls. “Like what? This is my face.”

I shake my head. “Once upon a time, I would have bought that, but now I know you enough to know I hurt you.” When he doesn’t answer, jaw clenching, I continue, “I never should have used something you told me in confidence. I’m so sorry if it caused problems between you and your family.”

“It didn’t,” Harun grits out, then droops when I flinch, dropping his forehead onto his knees. I can see Rab’s empty terrarium behind him. “My parents were upset at first, butafter we got a chance to talk, they were touched that Lily and I broke up because I chose a college close to them. It helped that I wasn’t still seeing Lily.” His voice is muffled, devoid of accusation, but remorse makes me swallow nevertheless. “It’s just… I just thought you cared about me. I didn’t think you’d throw me under the bus the first chance you got.”

“Harun, no,” I exclaim. “Of course, I care about you! I—”

His voice grows so quiet, I almost don’t hear it. “I get why you did it….” He lifts his head enough that his sorrowful eyes bore into me, glittering like polished ebony save for the blue glow of the screen. “If you’re happy now, I’m glad for you, but it kind of sucks to always be the one tossed aside.”

The weight of my betrayal hits me fully.

Harun has had a wall around his heart since we met, but through sheer chance, luck, and circumstance, I managed to worm myself through a crack. Made him laugh. Made him trust me with fears he couldn’t share with anyone else. Made him privy to my own.

Only to double-cross him.

To use him like a pawn in my game against Amma, while berating her for doing the same to me. I’m such a hypocrite, but what’s worse, a bad friend.

“I’m so sorry,” I whisper again. “I’m so, so sorry. And I know you don’t have to forgive me, but I miss you so much. I miss us.”

There are tears beading in my lashes, but I blink them away,not wanting him to pretend things are okay simply because he wants me to feel better, regardless of his own pain.

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