Page 11 of Changing Tides

“Okay.” He catches me by surprise when he walks over and lifts my phone out of my hand, holding it up to me so my face can unlock it. Then he starts typing. “Here’s my number though. I am going to call myself, so I have yours.” He watches my face while it rings. Our eyes stay locked until we hear his voicemail pick up, sending a shiver up my spine. He hands it back to me and our hands graze.

Is it my imagination or did his touch linger a second too long?My breath catches.I’ve got to go.

“Great. Thanks. See you,” I say abruptly. I am out the door before I can hear him say goodbye.

4

LIAM

Ikeep telling myself I shouldn’t need a beer every night, but tonight was one of those nights where it was definitely needed. Lucy was a handful, and the dog followed me to every room I went into. As soon as I get back downstairs, I head for the fridge and pop the cap on a beer before making my way to my favorite recliner.

These past few months have been an adjustment that I wasn’t prepared for. I feel like I have no personal space. I couldn’t put Lucy down tonight and had to rock her to get her to sleep. She felt a little warm, but it’s probably from crying all night. Times like this I really wish she had her mom. Or I wish I knewliterallyanything about raising a baby. Anything at all besides that they’re expensive as fuck.

As exhausting as my new role is, though, I do relish the quiet moments with Lucy. I found myself looking down at her red, chubby cheeks, matted to my T-shirt from tears and snot, her eyelashes so wet they were stuck together. And yet, even in her sleep, she clung to me for comfort, fisting my T-shirt as if she couldn’t get close enough to me. It makes my heart swell seeing how much she needs me, because if I have discovered anything these past few months, it’s that I really need her too.

* * *

Hours later,I’m lying awake in bed thinking about Sophie. She seemed so shy when she stopped over, and I can’t help but find it endearing. When she showed up on my porch looking embarrassed in her pajamas, all I could think about was how she doesn’t seem to realize how pretty she is. It’s not just that though. I see a woman trying desperately to put on a brave face for the world before her when clearly, she has a burden she is carrying.

Her green eyes are beautiful with little flecks of gold in them, but they also carry a sadness. I feel a kinship with Sophie from that alone. I want to know more about her and how she got here, but she couldn’t get away from me fast enough tonight. I’m trying to think of ways to befriend her when Lucy’s cries wake me from the other room.

I groan and get out of bed, preparing myself to have to rock her back to sleep. I find Lucy sitting in her crib, looking toward the door, wailing. I immediately pick her up and she snuggles into me, hiccupping into my shoulder. “Shhh. I’m here,” I whisper, walking over to the rocker.

I need to clean my house before I can let Sophie back in here to babysit. I gathered from the phone call she got when she was here that she has been married so she probably knows how most guys live, but I was embarrassed that my house was in disarray nonetheless.

Once again, I start the gentle back-and-forth motion with my bare feet, resting my head back on the rocker. Lucy settles almost immediately in my arms, so we rock. I’m hoping she falls asleep but every few minutes, I startle becauseI’mthe one dozing off. When I look down at Lucy, she’s still gazing up at me, sucking her thumb. Every time I make a move to put her back down, she cries again. Thank god I told Danny I can’t work tomorrow.

“Okay,little lady, let’s try to get back in your crib so Dad–Uncle Liam–can get some sleep too.” I catch myself almost saying Daddy. I don’t know who I am to her at this point. I rise to put her down and before I even get near the crib she is screaming again.

What. The. Fuck. I am trying to remember what Leah used to do when she was teething. I think we have some baby Tylenol in the bathroom, so I carry Lucy in and get her some, reading the dosing on the bottle super carefully. I have never given her medicine before. In fact, she probably is due for some kind of pediatrician appointment. I feel anxiety creep up. I remember Leah taking her to the pediatrician often. I make a mental note to ask Ellie when Lucy is supposed to go. I’m sure she’ll know.

Lucy is whimpering and grasping at my T-shirt while I fill the syringe with the sticky red liquid. I carefully feed her the medicine, silently praying it helps her sleep. She sips it but dribbles some out, so I wipe it off her face. When we go back to her room, she still won’t let me put her down and every time I so much as get near her crib, her eyes widen with panic and she starts wailing again. I let out a frustrated groan. It’s not her fault; clearly she doesn’t feel well, but I am bone tired.

I sigh. “I know this is against all the rules, baby girl, but we have to get some rest.” I walk down the hallway to my room and arrange extra king-sized pillows on the bed. Then I place Lucy in the middle of the bed and lay down next to her.Just until she’s out,I tell myself, but before I know it, we both drift off into a deep restorative sleep.

* * *

When we getup the next morning, Lucy seems okay. She wakes me by climbing on top of my chest and patting my face with her drool-covered hand. This is a relief because I cannot imagine canceling on Melanie. The girl has already confirmed with me three times.

I woke up this morning with a pit in my stomach though, because after seeing Sophie last night, my gut is telling me that this thing with Melanie has run its course. I am going to have to make it clear to Melanie—once and for all—that we will only ever be friends. We need to have a real honest conversation about our situation, and I have to let her go. It’s just not there for me anymore with her and I can’t pretend it is. I have never talked to Melanie about anything that I carry around in my heart and mind, even though she was witness to it all. I leaned on her initially all those years ago, but when that turned sexual, I shut down the emotional. It all felt too heavy back then and now, I have to figure out how to be someone’s dad. I can’t keep running circles around an old relationship that I feel lukewarm about.

There is nothing like the pressure that becoming an instant parent puts on you. Usually, you get married, and you have time. You build your lives together, talk about the future, get a home. You have nine months to prepare for a baby with your partner. Leah didn’t get that when her baby daddy took off, and I didn’t get that because I made up my mind a long time ago that marriage and a family isn’t something I deserve anymore. I’ve had my walls up now for longer than they were ever down. I’ve never let a woman get close enough to hurt me and my reasons were always related to Cara. Now, my reason is Lucy. I must do right by her.

I decide since I can’t hit the gym today, I will take Lucy in the jogging stroller and go for a run. The late April air is warm with a cool sea breeze, the sun is shining, and it’s amazing what a little vitamin D can do. Before I know it, I have jogged three miles. I slow my pace, take a right on Lafayette Street, and plop down on a bench at the park near our house. Lucy has fallen asleep in the stroller, so I guess I won’t disturb her for any playtime at the park.

I lean back and look around. The street is quiet for being the center of town. I notice some local businesses are opening up, and I can see Dr. Stevens’ office right from my spot on the bench. I have been going to Dr. Stevens since I was eighteen. He helped me through more trauma than any eighteen-year-old kid should have to endure, so there’s that. He is probably one of the few reasons I couldn’t leave this place behind. Someone in my situation, fresh out of high school with an uncertain future might’ve wanted to get the heck out of dodge. But I knew if I did, Doc would come after me.

I’m just contemplating stopping for a coffee and making my walk back leisurely when Lucy stirs in the stroller and starts crying.

“Uh-oh, Luce. What’s the matter?” I lean down, resting my elbows on my knees and look at her. Her cheeks are flushed and her eyes are glassy.

Her cries slow to a slight fuss when she sees me though, and she does that thing where she is half laughing and half crying.

“Did you wonder where I was?” I ask her, rubbing the side of my finger up her chubby little arm. She grabs it with her other hand. “I would never leave you,” I promise her.

Lucy gives me a gummy smile, and it looks to me like that promise made her feel better, even though she probably doesn’t understand. I reach under the stroller and pull out an apple sauce pouch. I unscrew the top and hand it to her. She immediately perks up, sending relief up my spine. I physically feel my shoulders relax.See, we’re getting this. We’re learning together.

“We’re gonna be okay, Lucy,” I reassure her, standing up from the bench. “Let’s go home.”

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