Page 24 of Changing Tides

“Hold on, hold on,” she waves her hand. “I need to make my tea if you’re going to spill the tea.” She laughs at her own joke, and I instantly know she isn’treallymad at me. She reaches into the cabinet and grabs some crackers for Lucy and two mugs for us. She sets them down before going back to the fridge for the cream and sugar. Finally, she’s sitting in front of me with her legs crossed and hands folded in her lap, looking at me eagerly. “Let’s talk about Melanie first.”

I roll my eyes. “Well, okay, Ms. Neighborhood Watch. What have you heard? I guess you heard that I’m a dick.” I lean back in my chair and rest my hands behind my head.

Ellie sighs. “You’re not adick, Liam.” Her face contorts like she swallowed vinegar, as if saying the worddickis repulsive.She recovers quickly. “In fact, I have wanted you to set this girl free for a while now. I am proud of you for that.” The tea kettle whistles, interrupting her. She gets up to retrieve it and two Earl Grey tea bags for us. Before she says anything else, she quietly makes our tea. I have a feeling she is dragging out whatever it is she wants to say next. I raise my eyebrows at her waiting for her to speak. “To answer your question, I saw Danny and Kristen at the grocery store this morning. Kristen was all fired up.”

I groan. “It’s none of their business, Ellie.” This town may be packed in the summertime, but during the off-season, it feels mighty small.

Ellie rolls her eyes. “Whatever. She seems to think it’s their business. She said Melanie is heartbroken that you don’t want a relationship with her,” Ellie retorts. Sometimes I can’t tell whose side she is on. “If you ask me, she has no self-confidence to have put up with you for as long as she did.”It sounds like mine.

I laugh. “Thanks a lot. Look, Ellie, I am a good guy. I was always upfront with Melanie about what I wanted out of our friendship, and it was never going to be me falling in love with her. What am I supposed to do if she is hopeful? She is responsible for her own feelings. She could have stopped seeing me instead of trying to change me.” I cross my arms, indignantly.

Ellie nods her head with a lazy smirk playing on her lips. I know she knows more than she is letting on. “Okay, so, you just let her down gently? Just called her up and told her how you felt?”

A hot wave of embarrassment washes over me from being under the Ellie microscope. “Well, not exactly.” I swallow. “I took her out while Sophie babysat and broke it to her over tacos. I was gentle though! But then Sophie texted to say Lucy was sick and I cut the conversation short.”

Ellie nods, putting her teacup down and folding her arms across her chest, taking me in. She must see a haggard mess of a man. My beard is long and scraggly. I know I look exhausted, and I didn’t bother to put anything nicer than gym clothes on today. I’m having trouble remembering if I brushed my teeth or when I last showered. I look back at her warm, motherly countenance and instead of disappointment, all I see is pity. Ellie feels sorry for me. I hate it, but I appreciate that she won’t stay mad at me for too long. Ellie and Eddie could never have children of their own, and I know she thinks of me as the son she never had. She may be the neighborhood mama, but I am her favorite. “And Sophie? What happened with her?”

I look down and once again feel my cheeks heating up with embarrassment. “Well…I sort of told her I didn’t need her help. And to just let me handle it.”

Ellie gasps. “Liam! After she helped you on her own time!” She makes a tsk-tsk sound that makes me feel worse.

I might as well be entirely truthful. “She was just pushing so much for me to accept her help. And Melanie was pushing me all night. I got home and the baby was screaming and I just couldn’t take anymorepushing.” I grimace thinking about the hurtful words I threw at her. “I told her to just go.”

“Oh, Liam. And now she’sgone,” Ellie moans. “Who knows if she’ll be back now.”

I feel the color drain from my face. “What do you mean, who knows if she’ll be back? She left because of me?”

Ellie shrugs, and I can’t tell if she’s playing coy with me to punish me or if she knows something I don’t. Either way, I hate it.

13

SOPHIE

Icall James as soon as I drive through the Lehigh Tunnel. He answers right away. As it turns out, the house isn’t officially listed because we both need to sign the paperwork. He has it there and asks if I’d come by instead of him meeting me at my dad’s house. Truthfully, he probably can’t face my dad and my brother, and I can’t blame him for that. I must be getting soft because I agree.

It’s a quiet Sunday afternoon on a warm spring day and my old neighborhood is abuzz. I wave at a neighbor who is walking her yellow labrador retriever around the main road loop of the neighborhood. Kids are playing basketball and tag and riding their bikes. A rush of sadness that I won’t be living here anymore hits me like a punch in the gut. I had such big dreams when we moved here. It was one of the first houses we looked at. I had just started working at the center, James had gotten tenure with the university, and the future was bright. We saw this beautiful white colonial with a two-car garage and black shutters and both fell in love with thewhat if. Nine years ago when we closed on the house, we made love on the kitchen island. I never would have imagined this would be our fate.

I park in the driveway, next to James’ white Tesla. I am grateful that there doesn’t appear to be anyone else here, but I need to sit in the car and collect myself for a minute before I go inside. I note the For Sale sign with a magnetic banner that readsComing Soon!A queasy sensation twists in my gut and I practice taking in a few slow, deep breaths. Then I march up our beautiful brick paver pathway to the front porch that we used last year’s tax return to pay for.

James meets me at the front door. “Hi,” he says, his voice hoarse. “Do you want to come in?” I glance down at his feet and see a single box of some of my personal items and I realize, he probably doesn’t want me to come inside. The inside is probably crawling with evidence of another woman living there.

I shake my head. “No, that’s okay. We can talk out here.”

James lets out a sigh that I realize is probably the result of relief. He picks up the box and steps out onto the front porch. I sit down on the top step, and he puts the box down next to me, following suit. I realize now this is the first opportunity we’ve had to have an honest conversation since the day I left. I filed for divorce pretty much immediately, and James didn’t contest it. There are so many questions I haven’t gotten answers to but suddenly, I’m not sure if I even want them anymore.

“James, I—” I begin to speak but he cuts me off.

“Please. Can I go first?” he asks earnestly.

I shrug. “Sure.”

“Sophie, I feel horrible. I never meant for this to happen. I feel like the past few months I have been so depressed. I was going through the motions of life. Everything felt black and white and lifeless.”

I want to laugh at him because his description feels like a farce, but I do my best to keep eye contact.

“I think things between us had become so strained. We were both so tired of the fertility treatments, the miscarriages, the hormones. I know you were so sick of it and ready to give up many times, but you hung on for me. You know how much I wanted to be a dad. I know you wanted to be a mom, too, but it has taken such a toll on us. Don’t you agree?”

“OfcourseI agree, James.” Our problems seem so obvious to me now. We never actuallytalkedabout anything. “I wanted to explore other avenues. I wanted to foster or adopt. That never seemed like something you wanted to do. And look, now you’re going to be a dad, and I amstillnot going to be a mom.” I am exasperated, like he is placing the blame for his affair on me. “I would never have had an affair,” I mutter under my breath.

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