Page 53 of Changing Tides

I am surprised to feel the sting of tears, once again. I don’t know why it surprises me so much because all I have been doing is crying lately. After I left Liam last night, I cried myself to sleep. I am sure he is taking my cold shoulder personally, and I feel awful about that.

I loved kissing him. I have been wanting to since the day I met him. His scratchy beard on my lips was everything I imagined and so much more. But it’s complicated, and seeing James and Brittany—seeing that ring on her finger—it wrecked me. I can’t just come here, pretend everything’s fine, and this is my life now.Jameswas my life. I really saw us having a family and growing old together. To see him planning to do that with someone else all but destroyed me. I need to explain this to Liam so he doesn’t take offense to my mood swings. I loved kissing him, but I’m scared. What if he dumps me like he dumped Melanie? I can’t take another bruise to my heart. When I meet Claire’s gaze, she is concerned.

“Sophie, what’s wrong?” She squeezes me tighter.

“Nothing,” I shrug. “Everything.” I throw myself back on the blanket, thankful for the overcast sky. “I don’t know where to start.”

Reading the room, Derek stands up. “I’m going to go feel the water,” he says awkwardly. No one answers him.

Claire lays back next to me and leans on her elbow facing me. “Just start.”

I take a deep breath and tell her about my weekly yoga, how much I enjoy Liam’s company, and how, in many ways, he and Lucy are bringing me back to life. I tell her how we get a smoothie after each yoga class, using the time to really get to know each other. Then I tell her about James and Brittany and how Liam handled my tears last night with such gentle compassion. And that I might be falling in love with him. Then I shake my head because that sounds crazy to be falling in love with someone else so soon. Claire listens intently the whole time and when I finish, I realize I have been crying yet again. I lay back with my hands behind my head and sniffle.

“James sure is a douche canoe,” she says, looking at me with complete seriousness. We both explode into a fit of laughter just as Derek is walking back up toward us.

“Is it safe to come back?” He treads lightly in the gentle way that Derek does. I would have said this about James, even three months ago, but Derek really is an awesome husband. He knows exactly what Claire needs and by extension, her best friend too.

We sit up and I motion for him to come back, but Claire isn’t finished discussing. “So, do you think Liam is as into you as you are into him?” she asks. “He certainly has shown you a lot of care these past few weeks.”

“That guy that was at Ellie’s?” Derek interrupts.

I sniffle and nod my head.

“That guy is in deep, man,” Derek makes a face that says,“Hello, are you blind?”

Claire juts her thumb in Derek’s direction. “There you have it, a real man’s opinion.”

“You think so?” I ask, feeling hopeful. I wasn’t super warm to Liam all morning. What if I already ruined things?

“Oh yeah. He’s head over heels,” Derek says, nodding. “He couldn’t stop looking at you the entire time we drank our coffee.”

I hug my knees to my chest, mulling this over. Maybe I didn’t ruin it after all. Maybe I am the girl that Liam can see himself settling down with. “He’s got baggage though,” I tell them, doubtfully.

“Whatever it is, it’s not worrying him. Trust me.” Derek says emphatically.

“He does have baggage though. You know, the accident.” Claire nudges me. “I Googled him like I told you I would.” She looks proud of herself. I ignore it.

“He definitely keeps himself guarded, but he’s let me see some glimpses. I know he’s a good guy.” I bat at a tear threatening to fall again. “But is it too soon?” I ask, worried they will judge me for wanting someone other than my ex-husband.

Claire makes an incredulous face. “Too soon? Was it too soon for James to get engaged?” She whips her red hair over her shoulder. “Absolutely not, girl. You go get yours.”

I don’t say anything else for a few moments and we sit together looking at the waves crashing. I’m lost in thoughts of Liam and his lingering lips.

Claire nudges me. “Can we go for a dip?”

And just like we did during that early April weekend visit, we charge for the icy waves.

* * *

Ellie’s barbecueis in full swing. Guests are settling on her back deck enjoying a summer breeze cocktail that Claire insisted we make as our contribution. The older kids are playing with Lucy in the grass, trying to get her to walk, Liam is grilling down on the patio and Maggie is sitting at his side waiting for him to drop a hot dog. It feels like home. I walk out onto the deck with a tray of glasses and another pitcher of drinks that Claire prepared. I am sure they’re dangerous because they’re pink and full of fruit, vodka, and I’m not sure what else.

Sitting around the table on the deck are Ellie, Dr. Stevens (I still can’t call him Robert), Claire, Derek, Steph, and Jack. Hanging on the patio and keeping an eye on their kids are Danny and Kristen. Miles and Melanie are there too, and I think I sense a bit of flirtation between them that fills me with relief. The conversation is flowing easily, and everyone is enjoying the appetizers Ellie made and the light breeze. Dr. Stevens is talking to us about retiring this year, and I am definitely not mistaken when I catch him giving Ellie a few sidelong glances. Ellie doesn’t let on to anything. I know they are great friends, but I may be detecting a little more.

I’m certain no one in this group besides Liam and I, and now Claire and Derek know about our kiss last night, and I have purposely been steering clear of Liam so as not to let on to anything. Claire thinks all anyone has to do is see us interacting with each other to pick up on how smitten we are. I definitely can’t give any clues to anyone until Liam and I have had a chance to figure things out. I don’t even know where his head is at. For all I know, he’s had enough of my bullshit. There’s also the fact that he said he’s never been in a serious relationship. Part of me thinks there has got to be more to that, and of course, I want to find out. The other part of me wants to protect my heart and keep anyone away from me that could further fracture it.

I head down the steps and out onto the patio where Liam is moving some burgers from the grill to a plate. He takes a long pull of his water bottle and listens intently to a story Miles is telling. I can’t help but notice he isn’t drinking again.

I go over to check on Lucy, but I am half listening to the conversation. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Miles sling his arm over Melanie’s shoulder. Then I overhear him say, “I guess I’ll date Melanie since you wouldn’t let me have Sophie.”

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