Page 56 of Changing Tides

She doesn’t answerthe last text message, and a dull ache settles in my chest that I am not prepared for. An unfamiliar pain sears through me. Is this what it feels like to have your heart broken?

* * *

I am earlyfor Doc the next morning. My chest hurts and I’m angry at myself and my heart is heavy with sorrow. But not because of anything we have ever discussed in therapy before. I’m afraid I have pushed Sophie completely away. Every mistake I’ve made is like a fresh wound that I keep pouring salt into.

I’m sitting on the stoop of Doc’s office at 8:53 a.m. when he strolls up, whistling happily and looking jovial. He senses the anguish on my face and his smile falls. “Liam, are you okay, son?” he asks as I stand and move so he can unlock the door.

I cough and clear my throat, following him into the office. “I think I fucked everything up.” My voice comes out hoarse.

“Come in, Liam. Let’s talk through it.” I must look really bad because Doc foregoes his usual tasks and walks right into his office, turning on the light and gesturing to the couch. “Have a seat.” He walks over to the window and opens the shades. Then he walks over to his water cooler and fills us both a cup of water. He hands me the water and then sits near me in an armchair. “What’s going on?”

I exhale loudly and slouch onto the couch. “It’s Sophie.”

“Ah,” Doc replies. “You know, Ellie and I thought we interrupted something last night.” He gives me a knowing smile.

“I think I’m in love with her,” I admit, rubbing my beard that I didn’t bother to clean up this morning. “Ofcourse,I’m in love with her.”

Doc almost laughs and holds his hands up in a confused gesture. “What’s the problem, Liam? That’s great. You have never gotten here before.”

I groan. “It’s not great. I put a stop to everything because I panicked. I am so stupid. Sophie doesn’t know anything about me. I’ve let her tell me everything about herself and I’ve held back all the things that make meme. Once she finds out, she’ll hate me. I don’t deserve her.”

Doc doesn’t react because he’s heard me say all these things about love before, but that was when the woman was some arbitrary possibility. Now, she’s real. Sophie is a very real person with very real feelings. “Tell me, Liam. Why do you think you panicked? You are feeling these things which already means you’ve made so much progress.”

I shrug and am quiet for a moment as I try to articulate what I want to say. “I don’t know. I sometimes think I could take a chance and try it out. Be in a real relationship. But there are no guarantees, and I don’t want to hurt Sophie more than she is already hurting.” I lay back on the couch and squeeze my eyes closed. I have a headache from lack of sleep.

“See, this is progress, Liam. The very fact that you are thinking about Sophie in this scenario and not just yourselfisprogress. Progress is not linear. Some days you will make none and some days you may even go backwards. But you’re consistently trying to improve. There is just one thing you have left to do.” Doc pauses—he’s waiting for me to fill it in.

“What?” I ask, impatiently. I need someone to give me a relationship guidebook.

“Forgive yourself, Liam,” Doc says. “It’s as simple as that. You were just a kid. You did the right thing. You stopped at your stop sign and then you drove through it. It isnotyour fault that someone else ran theirs. It’snot your fault, son. It has taken you twenty-two years working with me to even admit that you want to be loved, and you still think you don’t deserve it. You do. You just have to forgive yourself.”

Hot tears prick my eyes and I sit up. I can count on one hand the number of times a session with Doc has made me cry. Angry? Yes. Rageful? Yes. Have I thrown things? Yes. Cried? Rarely. I sniffle and wipe my nose with the back of my hand and try to pretend it’s not happening, but Doc knows me like a father knows his son. He tosses me the tissue box like a football, and I catch it giving him a woeful smile. I blow my nose and then meet his eyes. “I don’t know how to do that.”

Doc nods his head. “I know you don’t but maybe if you allow yourself to fall in love, you’ll see that it’s okay for you to move forward with your life.” He pauses before he says the next part. “This next thing I’d like to say, as a friend to you and not as your doctor, if that’s okay?”

I shake my head and wait for him to continue.

“If you aren’t going to allow yourself to get serious with Sophie, then put some distance between you. Hurt peoplehurtpeople. You say you think you messed it up. I am sure all is not lost, but if you aren’t sure what you’re doing or what you want, I want you to take a step back and think about it. Part of growing is recognizing what is good for the people you care about, too. So just take some time to figure it out.” He reaches over and pats my knee in a fatherly way. “You’re going to be okay, kid.”

I hope he’s right.

31

SOPHIE

Claire and Derek left early this morning. After Liam left me, I went and woke up Claire. We stayed up late talking about everything and I think that’s the reason I feel okay this morning.

I decide to walk to my appointment with Dr. Stevens. I think the fresh air will be good for me. I’m reflecting on the past eight weeks here in Cape May, and I am beginning to question if staying here is the best thing for me. I came here broken-hearted, and in some ways I still am. But I’ve taken the time I needed to just be. To just exist. And then I had to go and fall for someone else in a rapid amount of time. Liam’s rejection last night hurt me so much, but I think I’m all out of tears.

This morning I am numb. Instead of feeling down, I am going to use his rejection as redirection. I want Liam. I really, really do. But I also deserve to show up for myself and set a healthy boundary. Liam doesn’t know what he wants, obviously, and that’s okay. I just have to do the best I can with what I know right now. I want to continue watching Lucy until I figure out where I am going and what I am doing. I know not all days will be good days, but I can find little pockets of joy in each day. Lucy is a pocket of joy for me. Maybe I came to Cape May to find that.

As I’m walking, my phone rings. It’s Claire, even though I just said goodbye to her an hour ago. “Can’t get enough of me?” I joke when I pick up the phone, instead of saying hello.

Claire laughs. “You know that’s the truth, babe. But no. I have a reason for calling.” She pauses for dramatic effect.

“Go on,” I encourage. “Make it quick, I am almost to my appointment.”

“Do you remember my intern Trevor that I had last year?” she asks, excitedly.

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