Page 59 of Changing Tides

It’s a lot to think about. I stop the stroller in front of a children’s boutique, and Lucy and I peer in through the window at a cute dress. The door opens and two older women come out. They notice Lucy right away and start cooing at her. Lucy gives them her famous gummy grin, and I feel proud to be with her.

“She looks just like you,” one of the women tells me. “She’s just so cute.”

They are so genuine, and it takes me by surprise. I should tell them that Lucy isn’t mine, but in my heart, it sure feels like she is. For now, I decide to hold onto this feeling, to let myself savor the moment. Because deep down inside, I know it’s unlikely that anyone will ever say something like that to me again.

I beam with pride. “Thank you!”

The women leave and I think it’s time to head home. Lucy and I walk a couple of blocks over, and I decide to let myself look at our old house on Jackson Street. I pause in front of it. There is a Weekly Rentals sign in the front yard. I ache with loss knowing our family home is nothing more than a rental property now. A heaviness builds in my chest. This town holds so many memories for me. The only silver lining is that other families will come to Cape May and make memories in the same place I did.

I say goodbye to the house and turn up Perry Street toward Ellie’s house. I’m just in time to catch the mail lady with a certified letter. “Are you Sophie Bennett?” she asks me, holding a pile of mail. On top is a yellow manila envelope with my name on it. I see the sender readsThe Law Offices of Evans and Moyer.

“I am,” I say, reaching for the pen and scribbling my signature. She thanks me and gets back in her vehicle.

I am paralyzed on the sidewalk with a pile of mail in my arms and Lucy in the stroller when Liam gets out of his truck and interrupts my thoughts. He plucks Lucy from the stroller and then turns his attention to me. “Whatcha got there?” he asks curiously.

I exhale and meet his gaze for the first time today. “I think…it’s my divorce settlement.”

32

LIAM

It’s been about two weeks since Sophie and I really talked. She hasn’t come to yoga with me or even texted me about going. She’s keeping her distance, and I guess I can understand that. From her perspective, I just toyed with her heart and her mind. She doesn’t know my story because I’ve never taken the steps to talk to her about my past. I have been telling myself that I am open to love and a relationship, but if that were true, I think I would have let herseeme. Now I have realized that time is passing, and the world is moving on without me. I have been going through the motions my entire adult life. I was sad and then I was spiraling, and then when I started to heal, I was merely existing. So now, I am doing the work.

Life can feel as if you’re stuck in a rut and everything is moving slowly, or it can feel like it’s moving too fast. The more I think about it, the saying “Time heals all wounds” isn’t actually true. I’ve had twenty-two years to heal, and I have only just made the choice to start. Doc has got me thinking about time and forgiveness, and I realize now that if I don’t allow myself to heal and forgive, then hurt and trauma will continue living inside me forever. I won’t be able to move forward or have a fulfilling life until I take these steps. I’m trying to learn to let go and forgive myself, maybe even love myself. At forty, I can honestly say that I’m still a work in progress.

I see Doc twice a week. I try to give Sophie the space she needs from me, even though I desperately want to be near her. I’ve realized, a big part of forgiving myself is letting go of the fear of something going right. If I don’t forgive myself, I never have to be vulnerable. I never learned how to embrace something good because I always expected it to go wrong, or I told myself I didn’t deserve things to go right. Doc says that I need to leave the past in the past because I can’t change it. I need to focus my energies on the life that I want to live now. I think I want a life with Sophie. No, I know I do. I just have to figure out how to bring her back to me.

So while I have been doing the work with Doc, I’ve also picked up some new clients who are looking for custom coastal-inspired furniture in their new beach homes. I’ve been busying myself with those projects at night after working with Danny during the day. It’s been so helpful to have those things to work on because if I didn’t, I think I would be obsessing more over how I left things with Sophie. She told me my mood shifts like the tides and that stayed with me. I was allowing my insecurity to control me and giving her mixed signals. Not anymore. I know what I want and it’s her.

Now we’re in the middle of June. Ellie has been spending a lot of extra time with Doc, and I suspect something is going on there. The weather channel is calling for a massive storm tomorrow. We don’t usually get a lot of rain in June, but they say it’s coming. Ellie and Doc are taking a trip, and even though I know Ellie will prepare Sophie before she leaves, I am worried about her. I’m in the grocery store, picking up some items Lucy and I need to hunker down and ride it out when I find myself wondering again if Sophie has what she needs. Since we’re not exactly talking, I decide to approach it first via text. I pull my shopping cart off to the side and hand Lucy a couple of Cheerios while I figure out what to say. I am not sure she even wants to talk to me. I take a breath and open the message, grimacing when I see our last exchange and how hurtful it was.

Me: Hey Sophie… I know Ellie is going away tomorrow. I just want to make sure you have everything you need for this weather coming our way. It’s supposed to be a doozy.

I forcemyself to keep walking around the store instead of staring at my phone. A few moments pass and I’m in the cereal aisle when I see the three dots indicating she is typing. It remains that way for a solid minute, and I get my hopes up that maybe she’s typing a lot. Wrong.

Sophie: Yep. I’m good. Thanks.

I forceout the breath I was holding. Well, I can’t push her. There’s nothing else to do but wait until the storm comes and then check in with her.

* * *

The rain comesin with a vengeance early the next morning. It’s coming down hard but so far, that’s all it is. Part of me thinks that the weatherman hyped it up and it won’t be anything major, which is a good thing. I decide it’s a good day to start working on Lucy’s room, since she’s with me and I can’t take her in my workshop. We head upstairs and I’m planning to prep the walls for painting. Eventually, I will replace the carpet, but I figure it’s best to paint first. I settle Lucy down on the floor and I start mixing the spackle. Maggie follows us upstairs and is pacing around the room. She sniffs Lucy and Lucy giggles. I smile over at the two of them and turn back to my work, only to be startled by a large crack of thunder.

Maggie runs to my side. Another crack of thunder and a whine from Maggie. Then the lights flicker, and I am getting worried they will go out. It’s dark enough in this room without losing power. I seal up the spackle and abandon ship.

“Come on, girls, let’s settle downstairs.” I pick up Lucy and we’re walking down the steps when another loud crack of thunder comes overhead. My mind goes immediately to Sophie. Sure, she’s a grown woman and it’s just a thunderstorm. But she’s alone. No one wants to be alone during a storm. What fun is that?

I place Lucy in her playpen and tell Maggie I’ll be right back. I run out the front door and sheets of rain are coming down sideways. It feels like needles the way it’s pelting me. I didn’t think this through. I’m wearing a white T-shirt, jeans, and no shoes and I am drenched in a matter of thirty seconds. I run up Ellie’s front steps and bang on the door at the same time a crack of thunder hits. “Sophie!” I yell and knock simultaneously.

She comes to the door in another one of those lounge outfits she likes so much. She has her hair down and wildly curly. She’s not wearing makeup except for that lip balm and she is beautiful as ever. Upon seeing me she looks alarmed, “Liam! Is everything ok?” A loud crack of thunder and a streak of lightning lights up the sky.

“It’s fine. We’re fine. I just wanted to tell you to come over and ride out the storm with us.” I wipe water from my face that’s dripping down from my hair. “It’s not supposed to stop until tomorrow.”

Sophie bites her lip.Oh my god.“Liam, that’s nice but I’m really fine over here. I’m binging a show and I have plenty of snacks,” she smiles, hesitating. “You know… It’s probably better if I stay here.”

Before I can try to convince her, another loud crack of thunder and lightning sizzles the pole right outside our two houses. All the lights and sounds in Ellie’s house go off. We’ve lost power. “Are you sure? Sophie, come with me, please,” I urge.

She hesitates for another moment and then relents. “Okay. Let me just throw some stuff in a bag.” She jogs up the steps and leaves me standing on the porch. It’s drafty in the house and I’m soaked. I have a little shiver happening when she comes back down. She’s holding an umbrella and has her feet in rain boots. “I just noticed you’re barefoot!” She half laughs, half scolds.

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