Page 61 of Changing Tides

“Me too,” she says into my chest.

My timer beeps and I pull away. “Let’s eat.”

33

SOPHIE

Even though I was hesitant at first, I am happy that Liam came and got me. I have been wanting to talk to him since I received my divorce settlement. In a few more weeks, my divorce will be finalized and I will be officially single again. I don’t know what else we are going to talk about today, but I had to start the conversation. The only way I could think to start it was with the truth.

I miss him. I miss him so much it aches, like I have been missing him my entire life. I miss him like there was no life before him and without him, I am not completely whole. The few weeks of space between us really showed me how much he means to me. Even if he can never commit to a relationship with me, even if I end up moving back home, I want to know Liam. He has become everything to me.

We’re almost finished eating, then Liam pushes his cleared plate away from him and I stand up to take our dishes to the sink. He is sitting at the table with his head in his hands and he isn’t talking. Rather than push him, I pack up the leftover food and wash the skillet we cooked in. It doesn’t feel awkward. It feels okay, just to be here in his presence.

Liam got out of his seat so stealthily that I don't even know he is behind me until I turn around and he startles me. His brows are furrowed, his lips pressed together in a tight line. The focus of his gaze on me feels like he can see right through me. He lets out a shaky breath. “Sophie, I think I am ready to let you in now,” he rasps. “You have been so open with me in sharing about yourself. And I have held a lot of myself back from you. I haven’t given you the chance to know or understand me,” he pauses and licks his lips. “There are some things I want to share with you, if you want to listen. Can I show you something?”

He holds out his hand for me to take and I do. He leads me upstairs to a closed bedroom door, different from the room I know he sleeps in now—we’re in a teenage boy’s room. The double bed is made with a navy-blue comforter and various pillows. The wall has a Rookie of the Year poster of a Phillies player that I don’t recognize. Another poster of what looks like the whole 1999 Phillies lineup hangs above his bed. On the opposite wall, a desk with an old desktop computer and a bulletin board above it with a smattering of pictures of teenage Liam and friends. There’s a Duke Baseball flag pinned to the board and some Duke University pamphlets. An SAT prep schedule is pinned up next to a varsity letter. I turn around and see a varsity jacket and various baseball hats hanging up on the back of the bedroom door.

The room looks as if it’s been untouched for quite some time. The dresser and the fan both have a layer of dust coating their surface. I step toward the desk and squint at the photos. I focus on a group shot of Liam and the guys I have met in baseball uniforms. Then I see a picture of Liam in the middle of two pretty, young girls, one I recognize as Melanie. The other is clearly Cara, the girl I saw in the articles. There’s a prom picture of Liam with the same pretty girl that has Junior Prom 99’ in gold on the bottom corner. And lastly a close-up of Liam with his arm around another girl whose face looks familiar to me but that could be because she is so obviously Liam’s sister. I turn to Liam in confusion.

“This is your room,” I say, waiting for him to fill in the rest.

He nods and coughs. “Yes. Well, it was when I was young. I haven’t turned it into anything else yet.” He sits down on the floor and leans against the bed.

“Why are we in your room?” I ask him, sitting down next to him so our legs are touching.

He’s quiet for a moment and then reaches under the bed and pulls out an overstuffed shoebox that is coming apart at the corners. He takes the taped-together lid off and exhales deeply. There are newspaper clippings with the headlines I saw in my Google search. There are a ton of pictures of Liam with the girl on the bulletin board. He picks one up that shows him with his arm around the same girl at the beach. He’s looking down at it and fiddling with it, not meeting my eyes.

“The reason…” He pauses and wipes his eyes that I didn’t realize were tearing. He coughs before continuing. “Sorry. The reason I haven’t been able to fall in love before is because when I was eighteen, I was in a tragic car wreck that killed my girlfriend. I was driving. And I’ve spent every day of my life since then punishing myself.” The words spill out quickly and then he looks at me with torment.

I reach for his hand and give it a squeeze to let him know I’m listening.

“Cara was…so smart. And beautiful. I know when people die, everyone says they lit up a room, but Cara really did. She could make you like her within seconds of meeting her. She could convince me to do anything, no matter how much I didn’t want to. She was full of wild ideas and just radiated happiness. I thought I was going to marry her.” He bites his lip. I shift closer to him, not letting go of his hand. “When she died, I spiraled. I blamed myself even though we were hit by a drunk driver. I got kicked off the baseball team. I lost my scholarship. I went to school under the influence like three out of five days a week. I was fucked up.”

I let out a breath. “Oh, Liam. I’m so sorry.”

“I was such a disappointment to my parents. I don’t know if they couldn’t see that I had PTSD or if they just didn’t know what to do. They sent me to Dr. Stevens, and he has been helping me ever since. At first, our sessions only involved me being resistant, but eventually, it felt like he was the only one who was really listening. I graduated high school by the skin of my teeth. Probably because half of my sessions with Doc were us doing my homework together. When Leah graduated two years later, my parents said we could stay in the house, but they were moving to Florida. I think they were tired of looking at me.” He looks down at his hands and his shoulders shake with a soft sob.

“I wondered where your parents were,” I admit, softly.

“I thought maybe when Leah died, they would come back, maybe be with me and Lucy. But I think I have caused them too much pain, and they couldn’t stand to see Lucy without Leah.” He holds back a sob, and I stroke his knee, giving him the courage to continue. “As time went on, I just got worse and worse. It’s amazing I still have the friends I do. Melanie…she was in the car with us. She became my ally. She’s the only person who understood what it was like to be in that car and suffer that loss… At least that was the way I saw it for years. There were some very dark times for me when Melanie helped pick me up. I would say the reason I am here today is because Melanie’s friendship saved my life.”

A twinge of unnecessary jealousy tugs at my chest when I hear this. It would make sense for Liam to be with Melanie, she knows him inside and out. I could never know him like that.

Liam is looking down at the floor, twiddling his thumbs while he speaks. “Melanie shouldered my pain when I no longer had the strength to endure it. Over time, it grew into a sexual relationship. But I could never see Melanie without seeing Cara. I felt so guilty that I was driving the car and I got to live, Melanie got to live, and Cara had to die. I let it eat me up inside until I destroyed every relationship I had except that one. I didn’t start getting better until Ellie and her late husband Eddie took me under their wing. Ellie saw how tired my parents were. In some ways I think she judged them for abandoning me and moving away,” he pauses. “Ellie is like a second mother to me. Eddie is the reason I am a carpenter. And Doc never gave up on me.” He sniffles and then rests his head against the side of the bed, closing his eyes.

“Wow, Liam. That’s…just wow. Thank you for telling me all of that. It must be so hard to talk about.” I squeeze his knee. For the first time since he started talking, he brings his gaze up to meet mine. I feel a chill shoot down my spine.

“A few weeks ago, you asked me why I have never had a serious relationship, and I couldn’t give you an answer. I thought if you knew everything about me, you’d hate me. You’d think I was responsible for Cara’s death.” He grabs my hand and pulls it to his chest. “The thing is…up until a few weeks ago, I hadn’t forgiven myself for it. I thought I couldn’t be happy, and I didn’t deserve love, that I should be punished. And I didn’t want to forgive myself, truly, I didn’t. I thought I could be okay my entire life without ever falling in love, so I didn’t really do the work in therapy to forgive myself and move forward. I just didn’t want to.” He meets my gaze and brushes his free hand along my jawline, and I think my heart might explode out of my chest. “Until I met you.”

We hold each other’s gaze for a split second and then he pulls me into his chest, kissing me hungrily. It’s as if the past few weeks without each other has left us both deprived. I climb into his lap, straddling him and running my fingers through his hair, cupping his face. I feel him grow hard and desire runs through me. He runs his hands up my back and buries his face in my neck. The roughness of his beard gives me goosebumps and I let out a moan. He kisses up my neck and along my ear lobe and jaw until he’s finally back to my mouth, kissing me slower and softer this time. The tenderness will be my undoing. I press my forehead to his and our noses brush.

“How could you ever think I would hate you?” I whisper, then grab the back of his neck and kiss him deeply. He hoists up to a stand, holding me with my legs wrapped around his waist before laying me on his teenage bed. With one hand, he pulls his T-shirt over his head. I sit up on my elbows so he can help me remove mine. Our eyes are locked as he unclasps my bra and gingerly lays me back on the pillow. I let out a soft moan when his mouth finds my pert nipple and devours it before moving onto the other. He kisses down my side to my belly button and then back up to my neck, finding my mouth again.

I find the button on his jeans and undo it, helping him kick them all the way off. Reaching around, I use his ass to pull him closer to my heat. Running my fingernails up and down his spine, I lift my hips as he anxiously tugs down my pants. He looks down at the lacy red thong I am wearing, and he must remember catching me with it while I was unpacking because he lets out a lusty growl and buries his face in my neck.

“Oh my god, Sophie.” Finding his way to my mouth, he kisses me deeply, teasing and biting. “You're gorgeous.”

I find the waistband of his boxer briefs, and tug them down, freeing his perfect erection. Grasping his thickness tightly, I slowly move my hand up and down, eliciting a moan from him that heightens my own arousal. Liam returns the favor by gingerly pulling off my panties and running his index finger between my wet folds until he finds the sweet spot that makes me moan his name.

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