Page 102 of Savoring Her Snake

“Fuck, we have to do this.” I look away.

“Are you worthy of love?”

My head snaps back.

“Of course I am,” I growl, glaring at her. “I remember one time my mother told me she loved me. I was ten. She stood in the doorway of my room while I was picking out an outfit for the first day of school. I didn’t have much to choose from, but I had to make do. She didn’t want to spend the money on new things. She criticized everything I held up. Finally, she said a skirt and a tank would work. I didn’t feel comfortable in the skirt since I had grown out of it, and the shirt had a hole. She offered to brush my hair before bed and I lit up.” I press my hand to my chest. “I stared in the mirror at her face the whole time. She stared back and listed all the flaws on my face. She liked my hair, though. It was long, almost to my waist. She wanted me to use it because boys liked it long and the girls would be jealous. She commented that it was a shame about my face, but she loved me anyway.” I brush the tears from my cheeks. “A week later, I chopped my hair to my shoulders.” I hold my arms out. “Is this what you wanted to hear? She always hated me, and she showed me every day how much. I did the opposite of everything she did, refusing to be like that bitch. She used me, and everyone she met. The dollar signs would flash in her eyes when she started dating another man. I gave up hoping he would be my savior and new dad.”

“You don’t hate your dad.”

“I barely remember him,” I snarl. “How can I blame him for getting the fuck out?”

“He left you.”

“Yeah, yeah, he did. He’s a shit person, but I understood.”

“Do you want to meet him?”

“Fuck that.” I pace away. My father left, and he has stayed in my past. He didn’t care to find me, so I left him where he belongs. “You ask as if you know him, but I don’t care. He doesn’t deserve to know me or see me. I gave up on believing he would come back to rescue me, too.”

“Do you forgive him?”

“Do I have to? Are we going through this because I have to forgive them? Heath says I’m a good person, but not that good.” I wipe my sweating palms on my shirt.

“Would you do it? If that’s what it takes to have Heath?”

“I would fucking do anything to have him,” I hiss, leaning toward her.

“Your love is deep,” she whispers.

“He’s mine. I’m here because I want him.”

“Do you doubt his love like your mom’s?”

“Of course not,” I sneer, crossing my arms. “He shows me his love every day. Every minute. He values me.”

“Can you be his safe place? With all the pain of your past, can you truly love every part of him?”

“You’re really starting to piss me off.” I stomp closer, pointing a finger in her face. “Yes, I hated my mother and was desperate for love. My dad is worthless, and doesn’t deserve my time. Heath is the best man I have ever known. Yes, he has his demons, but I understand him. I will love him every second, no matter what. He isn’t a replacement for what I didn’t have. He is everything.” I ball my fists. “Fine, if I have to forgive them, I will, but I won’t mean it. All I need is Heath. Do you think it was easy growing up like I did? No. But I survived, so did Heath. We were made to be mates. We had to go through all the shit to get our reward. Do you know what my mom taught me? How to be strong. How to love with my whole heart. Her life is sad, trying to find happiness in money and greed instead of a healthy relationship. Heath has been there for me in my weak moments, and I will be there for him in his.” My breath comes in short bursts. “This is bullshit. Ava said I would get to meet my animal, not this weird imitation of my mom.” I jerk back when she fades and my image replaces my mom.

“We are perfect for him,” she says softly, or I do.

“Jesus,” I whisper. She looks just like me and is wearing Heath’s shirt. “I do look really good in his shirt.”

“We don’t have to forgive our parents. We have to forgive ourselves for putting them in the past.”

“Wait. What?” I stumble back. “You mean, I do.”

“We do.”She’s talking in my head.

“I’m ready to go home.” I look around as if a door will appear.

“We are worthy of love. We shouldn’t feel guilty for giving up on them.”

“What guilt?” I cringe at the lie and she looks sad. I look sad. “I just thought if I held on, she would love me. Really love me. Maybe my dad would feel regret and come back for us. After he left, I packed a bag. I hid it in the back of my closet, just in case he was busy getting a new place and would come back to get us. I knew it was a fantasy, but I wanted to believe. To believe in them. Maybe, one of the times Mom called, she would mean it when she asked how I was. Logically, I knew she was buttering me up to ask for money, but what if?” I hold my hand over my mouth. “I have to let them go. They won’t change and I can’t keep hoping for something that isn’t going to happen.” I nod slowly. “She didn’t care what Stanly would do to me, and she helped him anyway. All she wants is money. I can’t do it anymore. For me. I have to move on.”

“We will. She doesn't deserve our wishes.”

“This is so bizarre.” I rub my hands over my face, and when I drop my arms, a snake is curled in front of me. “Holy shit.” I slowly sit before my knees give out. “I’m not naming you.”

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