Page 71 of In Italy for Love

Wrapping her arms around his neck, she held tight, shaking her head. ‘No,I’msorry. I didn’t think.’

He hoisted her onto the kitchen bench, sighing as he wrapped his arms around her, pulling her tight against him. When he said her name, it was with a quality she’d never heardin his deep voice before. And he kissed her again, long and deep, right in front of the kitchen window with its gauzy half-curtains, where anyone could see them. She kissed him back, even though the fleeting thought dashed across her mind that she’d never kissed anyone quite so violently and she might never again.

They stumbled down the hall, pulling each other, the lingering combativeness colouring the experience with breathless fervour. Each touch was a reward and a punishment and a manifestation of the emotions between them that burned brightly. As his mouth seared her skin and her hands fumbled for him, the need to be close rampaged over her lingering reticence.

With his body heavy on hers and his expression harsh, he gripped her tightly and they tumbled over the barriers into somewhere new.

Jules dozed for a minute – or half an hour, she wasn’t sure, since time didn’t seem to exist in the melty haze that settled over her. The cold – and then the heat – and then the intense fervour of their lovemaking had drained every solid substance from her body. When her eyelids blinked sluggishly open, she found Alex watching her across the pillow, his expression clouded.

Fumbling a hand to his cheek, she said, ‘Hey, you okay?’ She wasn’t surprised when he shook his head. ‘You want to tell me? You don’t have to.’

‘You’re wondering?’ he asked softly, propping himself up on an elbow and tucking her hair behind her ear. ‘You must be. I know I behaved strangely today and… thank you for letting me be.’

‘I’ve never lost someone like you have,’ she said as gently as she could. ‘But yeah, sometimes it seems like there’s something you haven’t said.’

She wasn’t happy to be right when he replied with an almost imperceptible nod. ‘Today, I was afraid of having to go through it again, even though I’ve been so careful since she died.’

She felt it, the way he struggled against himself and his own feelings. ‘You can’t stop things happening by being careful.’ Although Jules wasn’t the best person to give advice. She’d never learned to be careful.

‘That’s not what I mean,’ he began, hauling himself up into a sitting position.

Jules followed suit, groping for her discarded shirt and knickers and facing him, cross-legged on the bed.

‘He’s an animal,’ Alex muttered. ‘One day he’s going to die and I’m probably going to be the one to make it happen.’ He took a sudden, heaving breath. ‘I don’t want to do that again. I can’t.’

She watched in dismay as he crumbled in front of her, his head dropping into his hands. She wondered if he’d even bear to be touched right now. In the waiting room today, he’d withdrawn so completely that if she hadn’t got to know the grumpy version of him when she first moved in, she might have been alarmed.

But she waited. And trusted that he’d come out when he was ready.

He closed his eyes and his mouth opened slightly to allow an even breath out and then in again. As he calmed down, she could focus on what he’d said, her own heartbeat accelerating when she considered what he might have meant – to makewhathappen? Death?

‘Can you tell me? About Laura?’

‘I’ll try,’ he said faintly. ‘It’s better than you wondering, not understanding why…’ Lifting his head, he stared blankly at thewardrobe against the far wall. ‘I told you she had a car accident – with a lorry. But that wasn’t the day she died – that happened three weeks later.’

Her throat clogged as she pictured him at her bedside for three weeks in a time lapse, transforming slowly into this sleepless, sunken-eyed version of himself.

‘She was on life support. I mean, maybe she did die that day – inside. That’s something I’ll never know. But her body… With the machines, she kept breathing for three weeks, long enough for her parents to come to London, for all the endless discussions and appointments and tests and then…’ Two tears rolled down his cheeks. ‘It was my job, as next of kin, to say it was over.’ His gaze dropped. ‘I learned so much I wish I could forget. Did you know a brain-dead person still has some reflexes?’ His voice broke. ‘In recent decades there have been big advances in research into comas and brain activity and lots of people wake up, when they’re allowed the chance.’

Jules darted a hand out, clutching his forearm. It was for her own sake, because she couldn’t process the shock without reassuring herself that he was still there – perhaps not quite whole, but still mostly there. He studied her hand but didn’t remove it – or cover it with his own. Goosebumps came up on his skin and the light hairs stood on end and Jules couldn’t help contemplating reflexes and souls and what it meant to be alive.

‘It was the kind thing to do,’ he said flatly, as though reciting from a book. ‘Not for her – well, I have to believe she was already gone. But for the others. Her parents…’

It was her turn to feel the tingle of goosebumps as she realised how much he’d sacrificed for Laura’s family and the way her parents had repaid him: by breaking ties. But Maddalena and Berengario hadn’t and that wedged them a little further down in the crevices of her heart.

‘You imagined having to make a decision to put Attila down today,’ she said softly. ‘And it drew parallels, brought everything back.’

He nodded. ‘One day I’ll have to make that decision for Attila.You’llhave to for Arco. That dog is easy to love, but one day you’ll be telling the vet to end his life – the kind thing to do. I know you probably don’t want to think about it.’

‘You’re right, though.’

He lifted his gaze abruptly to hers. ‘This is why I’m careful,’ he said, his voice firm. ‘Attila… I have no choice. He was Laura’s cat – our cat. But otherwise, I can’t—’ He shook his head.

Jules heard what he was trying to say.I can’t love you. It was concerning how quickly she understood exactly what he meant, even though he probably wasn’t thinking specifically of her and definitely wouldn’t have landed on the ‘L’ word if he’d tried to explain himself more clearly.

But Jules had. She hadn’t been careful at all, despite arriving here fresh from the scene of her previous heartbreak. Studying his haggard face, so full of history and character, like this town, her feelings for him seemed inevitable. She had to hope she’d be gone before she fell too far.

She realised with a start that she hadn’t even thought about her passports for the past few days. Somewhere deep inside, she’d started to hope they would never come, that she had a curse – or perhaps a blessing – to always remain in Italy.

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