Page 38 of Hate That Blooms

“Fuck, I want you so bad, Joaquín. I need you.”

Gabriela’s words reply in my head like a record stuck on a loop, keeping me awake. Remembering all the pretty little moans and whimpers she made for me, my cock begs me for release, but I know I won’t be satisfied unless I come on or inside of her. So now, I am doom scrolling social media trying to make myself tired before I have to get up in the morning for work. How I ended up on her page is beyond me. It’s like I’m on autopilot.

Pictures of her and Mireya fill my feed, and all I can do is smile. I can almost hear Mireya’s infectious laughter when I stop on a picture of her that shows her with her head thrown back in a fit of laughter. Despite her exhaustion, Gabriela holds her sister tightly, her weariness betrayed by the dark circles under her eyes, skillfully masked with make-up. A growing part of me wishes I could be there to help her. Then the hateful feelings seeped back in.

She doesn’t deserve your help. She deserves every ounce of suffering because her dad ruined my family.

With a deep breath, I exit out of the social media app and switch to one of my many playlists. I put on my headphones and try to silence the echoing words in my mind. The beat of the drums and the words drifting into my subconscious stoke the fire that burns in my chest. And as I finally slip into sleep, I make a silent promise to myself. Tomorrow is a new day, a chance to start fresh and work on these feelings.

* * *

The way I’m struggling to stay focused on the job dad and I are doing in the park is unreal. Fifteen minutes into working at the city park, a group of parents and kids show up, and who might be a part of that group? Gabriela and Mireya. It must be another support group playdate, something I know Mireya loves because of all the pictures Gabriela has of them. I should be focusing on the fucked-up sprinkler system, but I am watching my girls play together instead.

Not realizing that Dad has been talking to me, I get a nudge to the shoulder. “Huh?”

“Joaquín,” he looks over my shoulder at the park full of kids. “What’s got your attention?”

“Nothing.” I look back over at Gabriela and let out a sigh.

“Go take your lunch—habla con ella.” He stands up, wiping the dirt from his hands on a towel hanging from his back pocket.

“I- I can’t.” I shake my head, reaching up to take my hat off and running my fingers through my mess of curls. Then placing it back on my head backwards. “She’shisdaughter.”

“Tu punto?(Your point?)” Dad pushes me forward. “Ella no es la razón por la que tu madre se fue, hijo.(She isn’t the reason your mother left, son.)

I stumble forward, the force of my dad’s push catching me off guard.Why does he have to be right?Gabriela isn’t the reason my mother left us—I know this. It’s unfair to hold that against her. But it’s difficult not to feel a twinge of resentment whenever I see her.

We are working on those feelings, right, Quín? Trying to do better. To be better.

With my lunch box in hand, I head toward the park.Alright, you’ve got this, Quín.You can be nice to her.

The only way I want to be nice to her is to watch her fall apart underneath me. That’s a lie. I’d also settle for her on top of me riding … dammit… focus, Joaquín.

Gabriela notices me walking towards her and smiles warmly. Mireya sees me too, running over and barreling into my legs, her laughter filling the air. I lean down and pick her up and give her a big squeeze, then I try to put her back down, but she clings to me.

“Princesa, Agárrate fuerte, que me voy a sentar en el banco con tu hermana. (Hold on tight, I’m going to sit on the bench with your sister.)

Setting Mireya down between Gabriela and me, I sit down on the park bench. I try to keep the conversation light.

“So, did you get any sleep last night?”Smooth, Quín. Real smooth.

Her gaze drifts up to mine, and fuck, I want to melt right there. I want to say fuck it all.

“A little. Mireya woke up at four from a bad dream, so I’ve been up since then. What about you?” I can’t help but notice that her gaze briefly lingers on the crotch of my jeans.

Don’t get hard. Think about anything else.

Sewage pipes bursting. Finding a rat in the park bathroom. Anything.

“A few hours. It was hard, though.” I let out a cough, then pulled my lunchbox onto my lap, opening it to pull my sandwich out. “Kinda wished I was somewhere else.”

I steal glances at Gabriela, studying the lines on her face and the way her eyes lit up when I said that. It’s clear that she has feelings for me, and I’m so down for her that it hurts. I can’t help but wonder what it would be like to wake up every morning and before going to work having breakfast with her and Mireya. What our life could look like.

I catch Mireya’s little hand in my peripheral, stealing half of my sandwich while I’m getting lost in her sister’s eyes. “Reya, no! That’s not yours.” Before she can snatch it out of her hand, Mireya takes a big bite out of it. All I can do is laugh and think that I would absolutely share my sandwiches with this little girl for the rest of forever.

“It’s fine. I’m not gonna have the time to eat it all, anyway. My lunch is almost up.”

“You didn’t have to come over here.” Gabriela fumbles with the hem of her shirt, pulling at a loose thread. “I know you hate me, Quín.”

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