Page 34 of The Probability of Us

He was going to fucking propose and instead he just left. I can’t think, I can’t breathe. I rummage through my purse and let out a breath of relief when I find enough cash to pay for my drink so I don’t have to stay here any longer. I think Warren says my name but there’s only a ringing in my ears. I don’t wait, I just stumble out of the bar and into the lobby, trying to reach the fresh air, trying to breathe.

Halfway through the lobby, my legs give out and I sink to my knees. Tears build behind my eyes as my head keeps shaking. I’m trying to get air into my lungs, but it won’t go. I can’t see anything but that night on repeat in my head—that night when I thought he was going to propose . . . because hewasgoing to. I see that perfect moment when his mouth opened, and I smiled. But the words that came out were not what I expected.

At what point that day did he decide that moving meant we could no longer be in each other’s lives? That he no longer wanted to marry me?

“Analise,” a gentle voice goads me out of my thoughts. He’s squatting next to me with troubled eyes.

He reaches towards me, and I scramble away, feeling a little guilty for the pain that flashes across his face, but I need a second to breathe, to think. I try to stand but my knees buckle. Instead of falling, strong arms catch me. I savor the feeling for one second before pushing away.

“Don’t touch me,” I say through tears, a little too forcefully, and a little too loud. I don’t mean ever, I just mean until I can sort through these feelings and process this revelation. He takes a small step towards me, and I take a step away. His face falls into something beyond devastation. I open my mouth to clarify, but one of the hotel receptionists walks up to us.

“Excuse me, ma’am,” he says, only looking at me, and deliberately placing himself between us. “Is everything okay here?”

It takes me a moment to realize what he’s implying.Oh, god.I can only imagine what they think after the small bit of what they’ve seen: a woman in tears, leaving the bar, trying to get away from a man who won’t leave her alone.

“Everything’s fine,” I say with so much anger in my voice that it doesn’t sound true.

“Are you sure?” His eyes widen and the words are slower, like he wants me to know I’m safe here.

I take a deep breath and try to put on a calm face. “He’s a good friend of mine.” I gesture to Warren to clarify. “I apologize for the disturbance, but I promiseI’msafe.”

I don’t add that he probably should be making sure Warren is safe in this scenario too because I want to beat the shit out of him right now. I just give him a polite smile then grab Warren’s arm and drag him out the front doors.

“Analise,” he says first when I let go and turn to face him.

“What the fuck, Warren?” I’m almost yelling again. “You were going to propose but instead you told me you were leaving? At what point that day did you decide I wasn’t enough anymore?”

He flinches. “It wasn’t like that.”

“Then please tell me what itwaslike?” Iamscreaming now. “Because you still left.”

“You said you were happy for me,” he counters, and I let out a cruel laugh.

“I was, Iam!” I yell, then pause to take a deep breath when a look of confusion runs across his features. “You still don’t get it do you? Iwasproud of you. I would’ve told you to take that job any day. I’m not mad that you left, I’m mad that you didn’t ask me to come with you.” My voice gets smaller and smaller, now only barely audible. Tears flow steadily as I squeak out, “Why didn’t you ask me to come with you?”

He’s quiet and when I look up at him, his face is full of pure shock. He blinks quickly, processing and I can almost see him playing back those final weeks, trying to reconcile what happened with this revelation.

“It was easier when I thought you didn’t want me, because at least I could understand why you did it,” I say. Nothing makes sense anymore. “But you were going to propose . . . you wanted me.”

“Of course I wanted you, Analise.” I can hear the pain in his voice and my heart wants to reach out to him. “You’re all I’ve ever wanted.”

I close my eyes, frustrated at how different his words are now from his actions back then. “Then how could you just walk away?”

“I didn’t want to be like my dad,” he blurts out and my mouth drops open. I didn’t expect this to come up so fast, for him to so easily tell me the information he kept secret for so long. He takes a deep breath. “When he got his job in New York, he just told my mom she was going—didn’t give her a choice. Her job, her friends, herlifewas in Boston, and he forced her to leave all of it. When they divorced, it seemed so sudden to me, but I found out later that they stopped loving each other long before that. That he thought his career was more important than hers and it pushed them apart. I was so scared that you would end up hating me if you had to move. I wouldn’t have been able to stand it if things ended up that way, so I thought breaking up with you and being forced to live without you was the better choice. But I’ve been miserable without you.”

“You do realize that you basically did the same thing, just in reverse, right?” I close my eyes. I know he was trying to be better than the example set for him, but he handled it so wrong. How could he have thought he was doing the right thing here? “You could have just asked me, given me a choice. Instead, you took the choice away from me completely. Iwantedyou to ask me to come. I would’ve come with you in a heartbeat.”

“I was twenty-six! I didn’t know what to do, and all I knew was what my dad had done to my mom and I couldn’t bear the thought of doing that to you—to us. You never said anything so I thought I was doing the right thing.” He looks like he’s in shock, like he’s just now realizing we lost out on six years of life together because we fucked this up. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

“It wasn’t my place to,” I say. “You were the one leaving. I wasn’t going to force myself into your life if you didn’t want me there. I didn’t want to be the girl that followed you to a new state when you didn’t even ask me to come. All I needed was one sign that you wanted me there, but you never gave me it.”

“I wanted you there, Analise.” He takes a tiny, hesitant step towards me. “I wanted you to come with me. But your job?—”

“I could’ve found another job,” I cut him off, voice raised and teary-eyed. “There are hundreds,thousandsof jobs out there, but there’s only one you. I would’ve gone anywhere, done anything if it meant getting to be with you. I was so completely, life-consumingly in love with you, Warren, and you took my choice away from me.”

“I thought I was doing the right thing, but the second I stepped onto that plane, alone, nothing felt right. Nothingfeelsright.” I take a step back to rest against the brick wall behind me as he takes a step closer. “I told you once that I was color-blind before I met you, but life has been colorless without you. Like someone turned down the saturation on my life because you weren’t there with me.”

He takes another step closer and there’s only a few feet between us.

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