Page 12 of Tied

The usual forced smile crosses her face. “It’s fine, honey. You don’t know any better. Daddy just went to pick up Grandma. She’s so excited to see you.” She goes to the closet and pulls out another gray wool skirt, black leggings to wear underneath, and a black turtleneck.

“Wear this. You’ll look lovely.”

I try not to let the cringe I feel on the inside show on my face. “I don’t like those kinds of neck shirts,” I protest. “I feel like I’m strangling.”

His hand tightened around my neck, cutting off my air, suffocating me. “I can kill you now if I want to…”

“Don’t be ridiculous. It’s very soft.”

I wish she would listen to me and try to understand that I’m not being ridiculous. I just want to get through my days without some kind of reminder of something bad happening to me. I don’t remember my mother being like this when I was little, before I was taken. Or maybe she was, and I forgot over the years that passed. In therapy, we talked about how sometimes we romanticize people in our own heads, make them better than they actually are, to make ourselves feel better and to justify liking them and missing them.

“You should get dressed, put a little makeup on, and come downstairs. I can’t help both you and Lizzie get ready. I have things to do before your father gets back with Grandma.”

Apparently, my mother thinks I need supervision. Does she think I don’t get up and dress myself every morning? I may have been held against my will by a sick man for years, but I wouldhave gotten dressed in new clothes every day if I’d had a choice. Even at five years old, I knew I was supposed to get dressed every morning.

“I’ll be down as soon as I can,” I reply. “I’ll brush my hair and my teeth, too.”

She nods and leaves the room, closing the door behind her, oblivious to my mild sarcasm. Dr. Reynolds tells Feather and me we shouldn’t make sarcastic comments, but sometimes it just comes out, and it kinda feels good.

When I’m sure my mother won’t be returning to my room, I tiptoe back to my window and pull the curtains open.

“Oh my, look at you, my sweet baby! Come here.” My grandmother comes directly to me as soon as she enters the living room, where I’m sitting on the couch wondering how mad my mother will get if I take these uncomfortable shoes off. I stand, and Grandma immediately pulls me into a hug. At first I stiffen, but then my body relaxes and I let her embrace me. I can almost feel the love pouring from her as she clings to me, rubbing my back. I put my arms around her, too, gently, as she’s shorter than me and feels very frail, like a little bird, and I’m afraid I may hurt her.

“My sweet Holly. I missed you so much,” she says with a sob. “Every day I prayed for you.” She pulls back to look at me, tears in her eyes, her mouth quivering. Her hands lightly touch my hair, then my cheeks, before finally resting on my shoulders. This woman loves me. I barely remember her, and I wasn’t allowed to see her until today, but her love for me is overpowering, in her touch and in her eyes. She honestly, truly missed me.

“You’re so beautiful,” she says softly, and all I want to do is lether hug me again. Now I understand the comfort of a person’s arms around you. “So grown up, but so much the same. I’m so glad you found your way home while I’m still alive. I would have died with a broken heart if you hadn’t come back.”

“Mom, can we save the morbid talk, please?” My father shakes his head as he walks past us and goes into the adjoining kitchen.

“I’m sorry, Grandma.” I have no idea what else to say. I don’t want to break anyone’s heart or make anyone sad.

She grips my hand in her thin, bony one. “Don’t you dare apologize. Come sit with me. I have something for you.” She holds on to my hand as she sits on the couch, and I sit next to her, captivated by the rings on her hands, all diamonds and colored gems. I remember these rings. When I was little, I used to call them stars because they sparkled and shone.

“You still wear the stars on your hands,” I murmur, and her entire face lights up at hearing those words.

“You remember… I was so afraid you would forget me.” She squeezes my hand even tighter, and I decide it’s okay to let her believe I didn’t forget a moment with her. Deep down, I wish I actually did remember more of her because I can feel in my heart that we were close. I haven’t felt like this with anyone else. This pull of remembrance, of belonging and feeling loved.

“Lizzie… bring me my bag that’s over by the front door,” Grandma says, and Lizzie gets up from where she’s been playing quietly on the floor to retrieve a large shopping bag that Grandma dropped when she saw me.

“Do you have a present for me, Grammy?” Lizzie asks, peering into the bag.

“Not today, sweetheart. Today I have a special gift for Holly because she hasn’t gotten any in a very long time.”

Lizzie nods absently and goes back to her game, and Grandmareaches into the bag, pulls out a wrapped, rectangular box, and hands it to me.

“But it’s not my birthday or anything,” I say, placing the box on my lap.

“That’s okay, this is just a special gift.”

Intrigued, I tear off the wrapping paper to find a dark burgundy photograph album with the wordMemoriesembossed in fancy script on the front. I glance at my grandmother, and she gives me a warm, encouraging smile as I flip the book open. The first page is filled with photographs of me as a newborn, and I don’t even have to ask if it’s me because Grandma has added a little strip of colorful paper beneath each photo with my name and the date and place in pretty writing. A lump forms in my throat as I slowly turn each page, watching myself grow older, playing with my brother, blowing out birthday candles, at the beach with my father holding me at the edge of the water.

Suddenly the photos of me stop, but the pages continue with pictures of Zac, my parents at parties and holiday dinners, and photos of my grandparents. Seeing the photos of my grandfather brings back vague memories of him, but I don’t ask where he is. I’m afraid to hear that answer. I turn a few pages and there are photos of baby Lizzie, and she looks just like I did earlier in the album, with wispy blond hair, bright eyes, and a big smile. I see Zac’s prom photo, and I’m delighted to see Anna standing next to him in a pretty dress when they were both so young, then Zac graduating from high school, then college, Lizzie’s first day of school, and so much more. Every photo has been labeled by my grandmother. My hands shake as I flip through the pages of memories that should have been mine, in my head and not here in photographs, but I am so very grateful she made this for me.

“I don’t know how to thank you for this.” My words catchin my throat, and I turn to hug her. “I love this so much, and I needed this.”

“You don’t have to thank me. This is your life. All of this belongs to you.”

“I’m still not sure seeing all that is good for her recovery.” My mother entered the room while I was hugging my grandmother. “You should have let me talk to her doctor first.”

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