Page 38 of Tied

Her chest heaves up and down beneath her robe and, for a second, she looks like she’s going to faint, but she recovers quickly. “Please, Holly. It’s Christmas Day, and it’s your birthday. Now is not the day to be talking about such horrible things and getting upset. I promise we can talk about all of this on another day. I promise I’ll be better. Everything will get better, you’ll see. I don’t want you gone. That’s a terrible thing to say. I love you. I just need time to sort it out in my head.” Although she smiles hopefully, her eyes are begging me to drop this conversation.

As Feather would say, my mom can’t deal. It’s taken me a long time to build up the courage to confront her. I would rather just continue to talk about it now, but I suppose she’s right that now is not the best time.

“All right,” I agree reluctantly.

Relieved, she steps closer and pulls me in for a quick hug. “I’m sorry this is all so confusing for everyone. I really am. I know Ihaven’t been the best mother to you. We’ll work on fixing it, okay? We just need time. That’s all. We have to get to know each other again.” She holds me at arm’s length and looks into my eyes. “I want you to be happy, please believe that.”

Returning the smile, I slowly disengage from her embrace, not quite knowing what to believe. She and my father are so distant, barely part of my life at all. I can’t help but wonder how much of it is from being busy with their lives and jobs and how much of it is because I just make them too uncomfortable.

The quiet of my bedroom is a welcome haven that night, even if it’s in a house that feels not at all like home to me. My mind is filled with so many different emotions from the day that I’m not even sure what I’m feeling, other than purely exhausted, mentally and physically. Spending time with my grandmother earlier cheered me up after the talk with my mother, but I still feel an odd emptiness inside, like something big is missing but I have no idea what it is. Before changing into the clothes I sleep in, I peer out the window, searching for any new footprints or signs of Tyler, still curious as to how he got to my window and secretly hoping he’ll come back.

After I climb into bed, I reach into my nightstand and pull out the card and photo. I wish Tyler was in this photo, kneeling in the snow next to Poppy. I try to imagine him there, with his long hair that almost matches the color of mine, his strong, colorful arms, and those bright blue eyes that mesmerize me. He’s far too beautiful to not smile, I decide, and I set a new goal for myself: Make Tyler smile. Arealsmile.

CHAPTER 14

Holly

Two days after Christmas, my family has gone back to their normal busy routine, my mother has dodged any further in-depth conversation, and I’ve been driven back to Merryfield. I decide the best thing for me to do is put my Make Tyler Smile plan into action. I need something to feel good about.

On the way out of town, I ask my usual taxi driver to stop at the ice cream shop. My worries about going in there again after I was let go were for nothing because when I place my order, the new girl working there doesn’t know I’m the Girl in the Hole Who Passed Out in the Soft Serve.

The driver laughs at me when I get back into her car carrying two large purple drinks with fluorescent-green straws. Before I’d gone in, I’d offered to get her something, and even offered to pay for it, but she declined.

“I’m not drinking them both,” I inform her. “One is for my friend.”

“Hey, I don’t judge. People bring all sorts of weird things into the car.”

My stomach twists into knots as we get closer to the edge of the woods leading to Tyler’s house. What if he doesn’t want to see me again or refuses to talk? Obviously, hecantalk but chooses not to. His voice is hoarse and different but, to my ears, it doesn’tsound so bad that he should be ashamed or afraid to speak. I actually like the way it sounds and the way it makes my insides flitter around like I swallowed a butterfly. Unless, perhaps, it causes him physical pain to talk. Or emotional pain, which in some ways can be worse.

The driver has brought some paperbacks with her and agrees to wait for me once again. She doesn’t seem to mind waiting as long as she’s getting paid, and sitting here reading is probably better than driving random strangers around all day. I really need to talk to my parents about getting my driver’s license and a car, because this is becoming expensive. I think I’m more than ready and able to drive a car.

Carrying the two teas, with my backpack over my shoulder, I make my way down the path. It has a light dusting of snow over it, and I’m curious whether anyone else lives out here or if his house is the only one. He certainly has gone out of his way to put himself as far away from other people as possible, and I can’t help but wonder why. Whatever that reason may be, it led him to saving my life that day.

As soon as I enter his yard, via a short dirt road that’s overrun with weeds, Poppy comes running to me from out of nowhere, with another dog chasing after him.

“Hi, Poppy!” I say, not able to pet him with my hands full of drinks. “You have a friend today.”

The small reddish-brown dog starts to run circles around my feet, round and round and round, making a strange squealing noise, while Poppy stands to the side and watches with his tail wagging, looking very amused.

“Wow, you’re very excited,” I say to the red dog, who has turned and is now running counterclockwise around my ankles,in a blur, preventing me from walking. I have never seen such an odd dog, and he’s making me very dizzy.

A whistle suddenly pierces the air, and the dog stops cycloning around me and runs to the source of the whistle: Tyler.

He’s standing at the open door to his garage, with mirrored sunglasses hiding those beautiful eyes and a cigarette hanging from his lips. He must not feel the cold since he never wears a jacket—just jeans, boots, and a thick flannel shirt with the sleeves pushed up. The dog bolts to him, its massive tail flying behind him like a fluffy flag, and that’s when I realize it’s not a dog at all—it’s the red fox that’s in the Christmas tree photographs I bought. Poppy and I approach Tyler and his fox together, and an odd sensation of comfort encompasses me, like the four of us are old friends or family.

Dare I say, a feeling of belonging?

“You have a fox,” I say excitedly, watching the animal play with Poppy. He’s beautiful—hyper and goofy—unlike Poppy, who’s much calmer. They seem like best friends as they frolic around the yard, and it warms my heart to see Poppy in what looks like a very happy home. Tyler nods and snuffs out his cigarette, then throws it in a small garbage can next to the door he’s leaning against.

“Is he a pet?” I ask. I’ve never heard of anyone having a fox for a pet, but my life knowledge is still pretty limited. Merryfield taught me nothing of exotic pets and wildlife.

He nods again while taking the sunglasses off and placing them on top of his head. His eyes settle on me, slowly looking me up and down, but not in a creepy way. More like he’s just… taking me in. Getting used to me being in front of him.

I hold one of the drinks out to him and smile. “I bought youa bubble tea. This one has the bubbles that pop. They’re not the squishy tapioca ones. It’s my favorite.”

He takes the drink from me and examines the clear plastic cup, watching the bubbles swirl around. “It’s purple,” he states, and that dry, hoarse voice of his shoots through me like a laser, bringing a mix of guilt, unease, and excitement. I never knew little things about a person could make my body feel such boggling sensations. His eyes, his voice, the width of his arms—even his handwriting has a baffling effect on me. These feelings are totally alien to me, and experiencing them with a man brings on small waves of uncertainty. Are these feelings normal? Are they safe?

The words of Dr. Reynolds echo through my memory.Not all men are bad. Be cautious, but also be open to enjoying what a healthy relationship can feel like, physically and mentally.

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