Page 113 of Knot That Difficult

“Hey, babe,” he chokes out, giving me a soft smile. “Did you want a ride back to Tammy’s?”

I nod enthusiastically. “But she’s supposed to pick me up,” I sniffle.

“Nah. I asked her if I could, instead.”

I laugh and hug him again, and he squeezes me tightly. “I couldn’t wait anymore, Dev. I tried, but it’s just too much without you. Also, I had to see if you were okay.”

“I’m not,” I murmur.

“I’m not either,” Ben admits. “But I think we can get there again.” He releases me and steps back to frown at me. “You haven’t been eating enough, have you?”

I shake my head, and he grimaces.

“What about sleeping on the floor?”

My face flames. “I’ve been trying not to. Tammy’s been making sure I end up in bed.”

He nods. “Good. Just…fuck, I missed you so much. It was like I was dying without you. We werealldying with you. I’ve never felt like this before,” he admits.

Guilt fills my chest at the thought of Ace and Connor, and Ben frowns.

“It’s okay,” he says softly. “They understand.”

I shake my head. “I don’t think they should. Neither should you.”

His expression turns pained. “You did what you had to do,” he says. “You’re owed a lot of apologies.”

My eyes widen. “What? It’s me who should apologize!”

But he shakes his head. “It’s not, babe. You’ve done nothing wrong.”

I don’t believe him, and he knows it. He leans forward and presses his lips to my forehead, and I sigh.

“Let’s go get your stuff from Tammy’s,” he says, “and we’ll go home and talk from there.”

I nod and take his hand.

* * *

Tammy wrapsBen and me in a hug, and after I clean up April’s room, we head back to our apartment.

I don’t even realize how much I miss it until I step back in. The candles, the photos of my friends, and even the subtle scents of myself and Ben that linger throughout the area send warmth through my heart.

The kitchen looks incredible. I had seen the wreck after Ben and Ace had gotten in their fight; but there are brand-new cabinets and a pristine, clean oven door.

“Ace and I took care of that,” Ben mentions, watching me as I enter the kitchen. “That should have never happened.”

“You were fighting about me,” I say softly, running my fingers over my espresso machine.

“We shouldn’t have been,” he says. “It’s not an excuse just because it was about you, Dev.”

I swallow. “I know,” I say.

The violence terrifies me.

“I haven’t told them about your past,” Ben says, and I don’t need him to clarify whothemis. “But they may understand better if you choose to explain it to them.”

I nod, then begin to brew a cup of decaf coffee, using Connor and Ace’s brand. Ben watches me, his eyes soft.

---