Page 73 of Unfix Me

“Puppy,” West roared. He tried to go for him again, but Kai blocked him.

“Stop. Don’t make me carry you out of here.”

He looked at Kai, then at me. “Why are you guys together? I thought you were going to the carnivalalone.”

“Obviously, I needed backup. Let’s go.”

West swung at him, clipping him in the cheek. The punch was sloppy and only made Kai’s face wrench to the side. He shook his head and returned the hit. His was significantly better and nearly knocked West off his feet.

Kai threw him over his shoulder and headed for the door. West beat at his back and shouted curses the whole way. With everyone’s eyes on us, my cheeks were hot, but I reminded myself that they were looking at him. He was the one acting like a drunk fool.

As soon as he was dumped into the backseat, he laid down and rolled so that his back was to us. Kai slammed the door, then opened mine before he headed around to the driver’s side. I could tell that he was beyond pissed.

“At least we stopped him from getting into a fight,” I offered, trying to be helpful.

Kai’s fingers gripped the steering wheel harder as he pulled onto the street. “Yeah.”

I reached over to touch his cheek, but he angled his head away from me. That simple move felt like a punch to the gut. I sunk into my seat a little more and, against my will, my mind started replaying the events of the night.

It had been good. Really good. Until it wasn’t.

When I was with my girlfriend in high school, I hadn’t thought much about a breakup. It didn’t feel like it mattered. I was struck by fear over the possibility now. This was the first time I’d felt anything like this. Kai said he was attached, but he wasn’t the only one. And it was more terrifying than I could have imagined.

It didn’t take long for us to get back to campus. We both got out of the car without a word. I thought Kai would carry West again, but he grabbed his arm and pulled him to his feet, wrapping an arm around his waist to keep him steady as we walked to the dorm.

I glanced over at him periodically. His face was a stone mask, unmoving and unreadable. When we made it to his door, West was grumbling about the ‘hike’ and saying something about Lincoln’s ‘stupid fucking face.’ In essence, he was a horrible drunk.

For a minute, I watched Kai get him into his bed. I didn’t want to see what was on his face when he was done, so I backed out of the room and went into my own. I wasn’t sure if I was overreacting or reading too much into things, but this was one of those times when I wanted to cocoon myself under the covers, so that was what I did.

If you follow these urges, you’ll get AIDS.

Being gay will turn you into a drug addict.

Putting my hands over my ears didn’t get rid of the voices. I could still hear Ms. Tabatha saying them to us three years in a row. Three months there, nine months at home, then back again.

Derek’s disgusted face. My father’s disappointment. What if Derek told him? Allegedly, he couldn’t do that, but I didn’t believe that someone like him would abide by that. He was affiliated with the Dumont program, one of their counselors in an official capacity. They operated by their own set of rules, which were unquestionable in their eyes.

Rolling onto my stomach, I covered my head with my arms. I was so broken. At this point, I didn’t know if it was the way they told me or iftheyhad broken me. Either way, I wasn’t whole.

How could I be worthy of someone like Kai? He was perfect, beautiful, strong… Somehow, he was all the things I’d been taught a man was supposed to be, except he was gay.

I was confused. I was broken. I was tired.

You can never be happy like this.

My son will not be some disgusting deviant.

Homosexuals become child molesters.

I screamed into the pillow. It morphed into a sob that felt like it tore apart my chest.

Maybe Travis had the right idea back then. I’d thought about it a few times over the years, but I clung to that hope that I could somehow be normal. Things could get better or they could become so much worse. Did I want to find out?

Maybe.

Not really.

Chapter 25

---