Page 55 of Unfix Me

“Just, um… Sort of.”

“Alright. I’ll see you at three.”

He offered me a curt nod before he slipped into his room. I waited until the lock turned, then flipped on my light and glowered at my shower bag. I just wanted to sleep, but I really smelled like a swamp.

Chapter 19

Sen

Sen:I decided that I don’t want to go.

Dad:That’s not one of the options.

Sen:You didn’t give me any.

Dad:You know everything we do is because we love you.

Sen:Threatening to pull me out of school isn’t love.

Dad:Let me know when you’re done with the session.

My eyes burned as I read the last text. I tossed my phone onto the bed and hung my head between my knees.

Everything in my mind was a mess. I allowed myself to do the unthinkable last night. I kissed Kai. He kissed me back.Reallykissed me back. Even through the panic and the constant pounding in my head that sounded like my dad’s voice, I felt happy while I was with him. There was a sense of wrongness, but it was like something foreign floating at the edge, trying to barge in and ruin everything. Inside, I’d been lighter.

There was a Claritin commercial I remembered seeing when I was younger. At first, the whole picture was hazy, but then it cleared to reveal sunshine and smiling faces. That was sort of how I felt. Clarity was a devilish bastard with an affinity for evasiveness. As soon as I grasped onto it, I found myself lost in a sea of other people’s voices again. The only way I’d been managing to hold myself together was to repeat Kai’s words from last night.

He promised me safety with him. I woke up to a text he’d sent me at one in the morning, reminding me that everything was okay. He told me that I could wake him up at any time if I started to feel like it wasn’t.

It wasn’t okay right now, but I couldn’t go to him. He couldn’t solve this problem for me, so I had to see Derek. If I didn’t, my dad would stop paying for school. There was no way I could afford to stay here on my own. I didn’t want to go home and, let’s be honest, I didn’t want to leave Kai.

I pulled on a hoodie, partly because it was raining and partly in an attempt to bring myself a modicum of comfort. Raising the hood, I left the room. My shoulders sagged as I walked through the courtyard toward the parking lot. My Uber was already waiting and with every step toward it, I felt a little more nauseous.

That was kind of funny when I thought about it. Camp Dumont fucked with my head and made me feel sick at the thought of being too close to a man, yet now I felt nauseous as I neared those same people.

I would go because I had no choice, but I refused to give it my all. My entire future was uncertain right now. I had no idea how to feel as comfortable as Kai. I didn’t even know if it was possible. All I knew with one hundred percent certainty was that I didn’t like what I’d been doing before this.

After the car dropped me off in front of the building, I stared up at the third floor.

I can do this. He’s just a man in a cheap suit. He has no power over me.

I opened the door and walked up the stairs slowly. Each step felt like it was sealing my fate, but there was no way to know which one that was.

When I entered the waiting room, Derek was already standing there. It made me feel cornered. The door clicked shut behind me and I wondered if the walls had somehow inched closer together.

“Sen,” he greeted cheerfully, holding out his hand.

I slipped mine into my pockets without a word. He cleared his throat and gestured for me to lead the way into his office. It wasn’t too late to run. I could make it to the stairs before he tied a noose around my neck.

“You’re looking a little green today,” he noted as he settled behind his desk. I hadn’t even realized I’d sat down.

“I’m fine.”

“Don’t be afraid to be candid. Last weekend, you were in the midst of a crisis.”

Crisis. I’d thought so at the time. Now, it sounded ridiculous.

“Actually, I’m great,” I said, forcing enthusiasm into my voice.

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