Page 104 of Defend Me

“It’s a good thing I’m ready to admit what I want.”

He met my eyes. The sheen to them made me feel like shit. I was struck with the urge to let him go so that I’d stop hurting him, but I was physically incapable of walking away.

“A couple of months ago, I would’ve brought someone home from here, just like you said. I’d drown myself in meaningless sex, rinse, repeat, and the cycle would continue forever because I still don’t feel anything.”

“Maybe you’re not capable.”

“I thought that for a long time. Then, something happened.”

“What?”

“I met you.” Tilian looked down and pushed his hands into his pockets. “You know, I first saw you on Dean’s Instagram. There was this picture of you two and you were flipping off the camera with your tongue out. You’ve sent me similar ones a few times. I have them all saved on my phone.”

He shook his head. “I don’t…”

“You never finish your sentences. I always wonder about all of the things you don’t say.”

“Are we done talking?”

He couldn’t shut down. I wasn’t doing enough or giving him what he needed from me. It was like cutting open my own veins to show him this much of me. Vulnerability was a weapon. I was about to hand Tilian a sharpened sword that thirsted for my blood and all I could do was trust him not to carve out my heart with it.

“In that first picture, all I saw was you. At the time, I just found you beautiful. You’re so goddamn beautiful. When I walked into Pritchard’s class and saw you there, my heart started beating faster. I blamed it on the Celsius I had on my way there, but that was a lie. You didn’t notice me and you seemed intent on not being seen, so I didn’t bug you. When I saw you at the football field, I couldn’t help myself. Ever since then, you’ve taken over. I’ve always been able to avoid getting attached, but fuck, I’m attached to you.”

“You’re not attached to me. You can have anyone.”

“I don’t want anyone. I kissed Sadie to make you jealous and piss you off enough to actually talk to me.” He didn’t respond and I felt despair starting to rise, fucking up my emotions all over again. “Can’t you see how much I care about you, Tilian?”

“No.”

“I know you do. That’s why you kept taking chances and pushing me. Don’t try to tell me you would do that if you didn’t know.”

“Fine, maybe I thought you liked me, but not enough. I always expected you to drop me eventually.”

“There are many things I can’t promise you. Opening up is something I’ve never done, so I can’t tell you it won’t be a fight sometimes. I can’t promise I’ll always have my shit together or say the right thing or be the man that you deserve. Here’s what I will promise you.”

I stepped closer but not enough to touch him. I wanted to see his eyes and for him to see mine, to recognize that I wasn’t masking right now. All of my defenses were down for him.

“I promise I’m not going to drop you. I won’t get tired of you. I’ll try not to ever hurt you. I love your personality and the way you smile for me. Those things aren’t going to change.”

“I don’t know what to say,” he admitted.

“Then, I’ll keep going. In your eyes, I recognize the sea at its most peaceful, no clouds in the sky and a full moon hanging above, shining a light that calls to me. There’s this abyss inside of me and I thought it was too deep for anything to ever touch it, but you shine so brightly that the darkness just disappears. That’s why I went to you that night; not to use you. When I was falling into that pit and I couldn’t find a way out, I went to you because with you is the only place I’ve ever felt safe when I can’t keep my defenses up. Whether or not this is end game, I will always find you more beautiful than the bullshit they claim to be the seven wonders of the world.”

“Shit, Brooks.”

I wanted to kiss him now, but I didn’t know if that was selfish, so I waited. Maybe he needed time to think. I thought about leaving to give him some space, but then he stepped forward.

Then, he bit his lip.

Fuck me.

Closing the distance between us, I grabbed his throat and thrust him back against the wall.

“Are you going to tell me to leave?” I asked.

He pushed his hand underneath my shirt and flattened his palm against my stomach. His eyes were still down, so I couldn’t read what was going on in his head. My teeth grazed the shell of his ear as I inhaled him.

“I want to use you,” I murmured. “I shouldn’t, but fuck, I do. Use you over and over, then take you to dinner and take care of you and do it all over again every day.”

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