Page 115 of Defend Me

Since meeting him, I’d studied the things he did. He often stared out of the window when I was here, unmoving and silent. When he was stressed, he chewed on his tongue, which he did a lot. He wanted to keep his long hair, but he rarely had it down until recently and even then, he didn’t seem entirely comfortable with it.

A lot of things were out of his hands, that much was clear. The weight of whatever expectations his parents set was suffocating him. If I didn’t know better, I’d be convinced that he wanted to live like this. That wasn’t the case at all. Aside from some small things that might’ve been weak attempts at rebellion, he was locked into this life, the one his parents lived and the one he was supposed to have when he made his own money.

Did he even want that?

As he continued to wash my hair, I wondered if he had dreams of his own. I didn’t know if he’d even let himself think about it. I wanted to learn what else was inside of him, the things that made him Brooks Elrod when everything was removed and only he remained.

“Tell me what you’d do if being a lawyer wasn’t an option.”

He smiled a little, then tipped my head back to rinse my hair. “I’ve never thought about it.”

“I don’t believe that.”

“Maybe… a paralegal.”

Lowering my head, I frowned at him. “That’s subterfuge.”

He was smiling, which was annoying when I was trying to be serious.

“Fine. You won’t answer that satisfactorily. Why are you so afraid that you’ll hurt me?”

His movements paused in his own hair. “Do I have to answer that?”

“Please.”

He was silent as he continued to wash his hair. It wasn’t until we were completely finished with the shower that he met my eyes.

“I need you to understand that I have a lot of fucked up wiring in my head. The way I grew up taught me that getting ahead was the most important thing and to do that, you had to be willing to be anything. I’m trying to figure out the balance between who I was, who I am, and who I want to be. I don’t even know where any of them begin and end. If you want something from me, I can’t promise that I’ll be good at it, but I’m going to try. I’ll fuck up, though. I already know that. I’m worried I’ll hurt you because my life is full of these expectations and I have no choice but to meet them.”

You have a choice.It was what I wanted to say, but I refrained. Maybe I could show him that instead of telling him. If he let me in, I could help guide him out of whatever dark pit he was drowning in.

I would show him that he was beautiful.

I would prove that he was worth something. Everything.

I would make him love himself again or, if he never had, I’d teach him how.

“Wherever you are, I’ll meet you there, even in your darkest places. Give me your pain and I’ll help you find the beauty inside of it.”

He traced my cheekbone with his lips. “I’d rather share the good things, but I don’t know how much I have to give.”

“Give me whatever you have and it’ll be enough.”

Chapter 33

“I was never really insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched.”

Brooks

In the place where the storm is subsiding

“What’s the most ticklish part of your body?” I asked.

Tilian grimaced. “If I tell you, will you use it against me?”

“One hundred percent.”

“Bitch.”

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