Page 13 of Defend Me

Dear god. That was something I didn’t want to get in the middle of.

Or did I? Meddle, meddle, meddle. It should have been my middle name. Maybe he’d be at their housewarming party next weekend and I could officially introduce myself.

Lincoln greeted Dean with the typical bro hug and they started talking. Both of them had smiles on their faces. He seemed to look happy and carefree with everyone but me.

I was going to get him to cave one of these days. Why? Because it was entertaining and I couldn’t leave well enough alone. He was also friends with Tilian. He was definitely the type who would feel really awkward if two of his friends were enemies. It would be like me trying to get close to Lincoln, which could cause major strain in my relationship with West.

Brooks Elrod would not go quietly into the night.

“So, this party,” I drawled, turning back to West and Kai. “Do I have to bring a gift?”

“No,” Kai said at the same moment that West said, “Yes.”

They narrowed their eyes at each other. I ate a sad meatball and waited.

“You have more money than God,” West pointed out. “I demand a gift.”

“Nobody else is being told to bring a gift,” Kai countered before he let out an exasperated breath.

“Maybe they should be. We don’t have shit to put in the apartment.”

“We’ll figure it out. Our school money will drop soon and we can get some cheap shit.”

West made a noncommittal noise, then demolished the rest of his food. The journey they were about to embark on was going to be interesting, that was for sure.

*****

A Way Too Expensive Pity Party of One

Did you ever just want to scream? But that wasn’t socially acceptable. It wasn’t becoming of someone like me. It would make me look bad. It would makethemlook bad.

Sometimes, it felt like I was painting on a different face when I left the house. Presentation was everything. My professors could write me letters of recommendation for law school, so I had to be perfect at all times in any place they might see me.

It would be a lot easier if I was able to just morph into this person I was supposed to be. Being aggressively self-aware was a bane all its own. It was worse when I was alone like this. I was stuck here with only the company of my own mind. I hated it.

Maybe that was part of why I tried to make so many friends. Every relationship we had gave us something a little different. Even the love of our life couldn’t give us everything we needed to be happy. It just wasn’t humanly possible. I had all these friends, though, and I was still spending my time alone in this damn apartment that was too big for one person. Why did I even have two bedrooms? Pointless.

What was I missing? I had no idea. If I dug really deep, I might decide it was just a me thing. Some holes couldn’t be filled by other people.

Well… No, none of that. Sex was just another way for me to feel better about myself and to forget who I was as an actual person.

It was probably this new pen I got at the dispensary- using my fake ID, of course. There was one place that didn’t actually scan them, which worked well for me. Whatever the girl recommended, it had me in my head.

“Fuck,” I muttered as I sunk lower into the couch.

Even with this giant place and the crazy view I had, I felt sort of empty sometimes. That was insane and ridiculous. Millions of people had actual problems, yet here I was feeling sorry for myself while surrounded by nice shit.

I took another hit from my pen, even though it was probably a bad idea. Maybe I should invite someone over. None of my friends felt right in this moment, though. They knew me, although it wasn’t all that deep. I didn’t really let them see inside of me and I popped in whenever I pleased. They found it endearing, I guess.

No expectations. That was what I needed. I didn’t want someone to make me feel better or help me put on a brave face. I just wanted company and to forget about my own issues without having to talk about them.

Maybe I just needed a nap to shut off my brain for a little while.

Chapter 6

“I remained too much inside my head and ended up losing my mind”

Brooks

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