Page 136 of Defend Me

It was silent for a few minutes, then he lifted my arm around his shoulder and wrapped his around my waist.

“You never have to be perfect with me, you know.”

I didn’t respond to his statement. There wasn’t anything to say because he was wrong. It didn’t just turn off. It never did.

I wrapped my hair around my hand, wishing I could put it up. It was the thing I liked most about myself, yet it felt like it was suffocating me. Every day, it grew longer, adding more inches that would be executed soon, along with whatever happiness I might find until that time.

Chapter 38

“Sleep, those little slices of death — how I loathe them.”

Brooks

Nowhere is safe

Something was different since last night. My mind had opened up that box of demons and with it, a host of memories were unleashed.

Objectively, what I did with Holly shouldn’t have bothered me this much. It should’ve been the same as with my history teacher, my principal, and a few others.

Responsibilities. I had responsibilities, which meant I had to do whatever it took to succeed. There was no room for error. Either buy your way in or sleep your way in. Neither of them bothered me.

It was the same.

Why the fuck did I keep feeling sick when I thought about her, then? It kept coming back and when it did, I felt nauseous. There was this urge to shower and scratch off my skin until I felt clean again.

I’d gone in there with a purpose. I knew what was going to happen and I consented to it. I didn’t want her to climb on my lap to get me off when I was trying to leave, but I could’ve stopped her and I didn’t.

This one made me feel gross. Maybe it was because my mom not only knew about it, but also endorsed it.

Or it was just my head. I felt what I’d done beyond the surface level I usually existed in. With the others, I’d think, ‘Ugh, let’s get this over with.’ This time, ‘no’ had been repeating in my head the entire time.

Had I said it aloud? I couldn’t remember. I’d bitten my tongue until it was painful so that I wouldn’t mess everything up.

At one point in the night, I considered just going home, but I decided to lie with Tilian for a while to see if I felt better. After a few hours of staring at the ceiling, I was ready to leave, but he turned over, locked his leg over mine, and settled under my arm with his head on my chest.

He hadn’t moved since.

My fingers traced his spine, then curved around his side. After slipping them into the waistband of his briefs, I used my nails to follow the same path back up. The man wasn’t that deep of a sleeper and when I was on my second pass, he stirred and tucked his face into my chest.

“Leave me alone,” he mumbled.

“No thanks.”

“You’re so annoying.”

“Then why do you keep tolerating me?”

“You have a nice dick.”

I laughed and rolled him onto his back. He immediately grabbed the sides of my neck to pull me into a kiss. Taking his hands in mine, I thrust them above his head. His lips fell open for me and when his tongue met mine, I sucked on it the way he liked.

I crossed his wrists, then gripped them with one hand so that I could touch his throat. Instead of choking him- yet- I brushed down his trachea. When I reached his collarbone, I traced it and kissed the places my fingers had been.

My teeth tugged on his nipple and his hips arched upward. Continuing to play with it, I looked at him. His blue eyes were locked on me and his lips were parted.

“I want to devour you whole,” I said.

“That’s a choking hazard.”

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