Page 139 of Defend Me

“Brooks?”

“My head’s just off,” I replied. “Uh, can I ask you something?”

“Always.”

“Do you and mom always agree on everything?”

A long stretch of silence passed. “No. I think it’s impossible for people to always agree, even if they’re married. We’re all our own person and disagreements aren’t always bad. Sometimes, they give us opportunities to shift our perceptions and find a common ground that’s better than our original ideas.”

“Yeah. Yeah, that’s true.”

“Is there someone you have a disagreement with? Someone romantic, maybe.”

“Um, no.”

Fuck. Where were all these filler words coming from? I tried to clear my head before I went on.

“Would you be mad if I was seeing someone?”

“I don’t know why you’d think that.”

“Because it could take away some time from studying. I might be distracted.”

He chuckled. “Brooks, you’re in college. Keep your grades up and don’t get into trouble, but you’re allowed to live your life beyond just school, you know.”

“I… didn’t know. Is that how Mom feels?”

“Is that what your questions are about? Are you upset with her or something?”

A few more geese joined the first and one of them ducked its head under the water. I wondered what it was like to simply exist like that. Fly here, swim there, attack a toddler once in a while.

“No, we’re good,” I said casually. “I just want to make sure that everyone’s on the same page.”

More silence. It had me grabbing more grass to keep my animal friend from leaving me alone. When my dad sighed, I tensed.

“You know,” he began, “I taught you that exact phrase as a way to mitigate situations similar to this one. You’re clever and damn smart, but I’ve been at this a lot longer than you and I have real life experience. So, cut the shit and tell me what’s going on between you two.”

Panic rose in my chest, constricting my throat. I hated the idea that he could see through me, but I didn’t want to tell him the truth. Maybe I should’ve talked to him before I went through with it that day. It might have changed what happened.

It didn’t matter anyway. I needed to accept that it wasn’t a big deal and I hadn’t done anything wrong.

Regardless, something rose in my throat and tears spilled down my cheeks. I crouched and put a hand over my mouth.

“Brooks?”

Fuck, fuck, fuck. I couldn’t fall apart.

“We just didn’t agree on something,” I said, hating how tight my voice was. “It’s fine.”

“What was the disagreement?”

“Just about how committed I am to the future. She was right anyway.”

“Okay. If you want to actually talk about it, you know you can call me, right?”

I took a shuddering breath and swiped my hand over my cheeks. “Yup, of course.”

“Good. Tell me about this person you’re interested in.”

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