Page 146 of Defend Me

“Tell me why you’re lying to me.”

“I’m not.”

I scoffed. “’Your lips drip honey, and your speech is smoother than oil; but in the end you are bitter as gall, sharp as a double-edged sword.’”

His brow furrowed. “What is that?”

“A verse.”

It pissed me off that he was trying not to smile. “From the Bible? Do you have the whole thing memorized?”

“No. Some. My dad made me read it as punishment. It’s not funny right now.”

“Sorry,” he said, becoming serious again. “You don’t think I’m being honest.”

“You’re not.”

“You don’t understand.”

“No, I do.” I shook my head and took a deep breath. “Or I want to. You struggle with shit. I know that. I know you won’t be perfect all the time and yeah, maybe I’ll be hurt sometimes, but that happens in every relationship. I’ll be here through a lot, but I can’t do this if you flat out lie to me. Can’t you understand that?”

Leaning forward, he brushed his lips over my brow. “I want you, Tilian. Whatever it takes.”

“Then you need to tell me the truth.”

“I don’t know if I can.”

“How am I supposed to trust you?” I whispered.

“Putting your trust in someone is always a bargain. Anyone can betray you.”

“That doesn’t make me want to do it, that’s for sure.”

“I’m going against myself here, trying to do better because it’s what you deserve. I still think you should have so much more, but I’m here, ready to fight so that I can keep you.”

“And what about your parents?” I ventured. “Aren’t they part of the reason behind all of this?”

His emotions became hidden from me and I wanted to be mad about it, but I wasn’t sure that he knew he was doing it.

“For you, I’ll do anything. You are the only one I want and if I could give you the world, I’d do it.” He leaned in to press a soft kiss to my lips. “I sorta want to keep you forever, Tilian. How can I prove it to you?”

“I can’t just let all of this go like that. I don’t know where we stand if you won’t tell me the truth.” He didn’t respond, which made me angry again. “Maybe I need to go so that we can both think.”

He tightened his grip on me, but the look of panic on his face kept me in place more than his arms.

“Don’t leave. Please, I don’t… I don’t want to be alone and I feel like she’s in my fucking head.”

“Who?” I whispered.

“I can’t.”

“Why?”

Suddenly, he set me on the couch and just… walked away. I stared after him, no longer angry at all. I was fucking concerned. Terrified. I felt sick thinking about what this could possibly be about.

Instead of going to his room, he went to the guest one. The door closed behind him, but I wasn’t going to let him shut me out. Even if he couldn’t talk about it right now, there was no way I was going to leave him by himself. He said he didn’t want to be alone.

In the silence was where he lost himself the most.

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