Page 149 of Defend Me

“It doesn’t matter. That’s not how consent works.”

I finally allowed myself to sit up. I couldn’t stand not being able to see his face. He looked so fucking broken and it killed me inside.

“Brooks, I’m so fucking sorry for what happened when you came to me. I knew something was really wrong and I should’ve seen…”

“There’s no way you could’ve known. It was both of our decision and you’d already pulled me back enough that I knew what I was doing. There’s nothing to feel bad about, okay? I don’t regret it at all because it forced me to look at the way you made me feel, the power you have to keep me above water.”

“Then, I’m sorry for what happened before that.” It was impossible to keep my eyes from watering.

He sighed and ran his hands up my thighs. “It doesn’t really matter. It’s over and I want to move on.”

“We can do that together.”

With a deep breath, he pulled his phone out of his pocket and opened his gallery. When he tapped on a video, my eyes widened.

“Is that…” He nodded. “What do you want to do with it?”

“Nothing, unless I need it. I hate having it. Every time I go to my gallery, I remember it, but I can’t delete it.”

Chewing on my lip, I thought about having him send it to me to keep, but I didn’t want it either. I didn’t think he’d be okay with that anyway.

I pulled up an email app and started making a new account. When I sent him the address, he frowned.

“[email protected],” he read.

“Send the video there and then delete it from your phone. If you ever need it, you can download it.”

His nostrils flared and he squeezed his phone tightly before he followed my instructions. Once he hit ‘delete,’ he let out a shuddering breath.

“Thank you.”

“You never have to thank me for caring. But you can’t lie anymore, even if it sucks to be honest. If you aren’t ready to tell me something, just say that and I won’t be angry. You want to dip your head below water to shut out your issues for a bit, but I’m here to pull you back up before you fucking die.”

He sat up and held onto the sides of my neck. His breaths were coming quickly and his eyes closed as he leaned his forehead against mine. When he opened them again, he looked determined.

“Whatever happens, I want to talk about it together. That’s how relationships work, right? We figure out where we’re gonna go when it’s time.”

“As long as this is what you want, I’m here.”

“I want you. I don’t know how else to say it or what will happen. I just…” He kissed me desperately and made a sound against my lips. “I want it to work. I fucking want it to work.”

Putting my hand against the side of his face, I stared into his dark eyes, trying to read him. Just like always, it was all but impossible.

“I can’t tell if you’re lying. Can you?”

“I want you,” he repeated firmly instead of answering the question. “That’s the point. I’m admitting my mistakes and asking if we can do this.”

“Okay,” I replied tentatively. “How do I know that I can trust you?”

“I don’t know.”

“Try.”

He looked like he was in pain. After at least a minute, he looked at me.

“I’ve never been afraid to lose someone but also afraid to keep them. This thing has made me a coward and if I think about it, the only thing that makes me feel less afraid of everything around me is you. So, if I’m doomed to be a coward either way, I’m choosing to be afraid to lose you.”

And that was fucking it. I was done for.

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