Page 155 of Defend Me

“What’s up?” I said.

She kept her smile in place, but I could tell she was a little thrown off by the casualness of my demeanor. When she invited me into the office, I strode over to the desk instead of the chairs. I was hyper aware of the way my hair brushed across my back, and the beanie on my head might’ve been burning my scalp. Or it was just that all too familiar feeling that always preceded me putting my hair in a bun.

Leaning back against the desk, I kept my hands in my pockets and crossed my ankles. As her eyes roamed my body, I thought about Tilian. He made me feel strong. For some reason, he hadn’t judged me when I opened up to him. That didn’t mean it wouldn’t happen if I kept letting him see me, but for now, it was okay.

Holly had shown up at my apartment and I couldn’t stand the thought of it. I didn’t want her involved in my life, just like I didn’t want my parents’ world to collide with the one I was currently living in. All of these motherfuckers could back off.

“You took a while to get back to me,” she noted.

“Yeah. Super sorry about that. Schoolwork, you know?”

“Right, of course. You work very hard. I can tell.”

I smiled at her, which brought her a little closer. There was a feeling of power that came from this, one I hadn’t really expected. Having the upper hand flipped everything around. The thought of what we’d done on that couch didn’t make me nauseous now, just uncomfortable and a little squeamish.

Here, in this moment, I was finally able to disconnect from it, but not in the way I usually did.

I dropped it and decided I didn’t want to do anything like it again.

It was freeing, even if it came back around to attack me again, because I knew that it was possible to feel like this again. I wasn’t going to drown.

Holly stopped only a foot away, assaulting me with her gardenia perfume. “I spoke with Professor Cook. He has a contract law class as well as-”

“I know who he is,” I interrupted.

Her lips thinned for a second. “His father is a corporate attorney here in Seattle. I realize that you’ll be returning to New York after you graduate, but building relationships, especially while you’re in school here, will always work in your favor.”

“Cool. I’ll see if I can talk to Professor Cook about it.”

“Well, I’ve already arranged-”

“I’ll work with him directly. Thanks.”

She drew in a slow breath, obviously annoyed to be interrupted again. Shaking her head, she stepped closer.

“Alright, Brooks. Let’s drop the charade.”

I pursed my lips. She pronounced it shuh-rod, which I knew was technically correct, but from her, it sounded snobby.

“And what charade is that?” I asked, pronouncing it like a filthy American.

“You want something from me. What is it?”

Biting my lip, I pushed off the desk, bringing myself close enough to touch her. “If I ask, will you give it to me?”

When she reached up to touch my hair, I grabbed her wrist. She must’ve taken it as a move because she licked her lips.

Gross.

“What do you want, Brooks?”

Using my grip on her, I turned her around and pressed her against the desk. A small gasp escaped her from the force of it. Grabbing her other wrist, I pinned them both to the surface beside her.

“I want…” I moved my face closer and her lips parted. “I want you to leave me the fuck alone.”

She blinked a few times. “What?”

“Don’t come to my place. Don’t talk to my boyfriend. Don’t bring your disgusting scent into my room. I could fucking smell it on my sheets. You know what I did with them? I donated them to Goodwill, then paid them to give them away for free.”

---