Page 159 of Defend Me

“You don’t understand a thing,” I snapped.

“Brooks-”

“No. I have above a 4.0 GPA, I have letters of recommendation out the ass, and I don’t need to gain a fabricated reputation by doing shady shit. You want to do that? Fine. Have at it. I’m not selling myself to secure a future. I’m not bribing people and I’m not forcing myself to fuck some faculty member just because she has connections. Don’t you care how that makes me feel?”

“Of course I do. We’ve all done things to get here.”

“And you must be really empty if none of that bothers you. Just leave me alone for a while. I need space.”

“Don’t hang up-”

I ended the call and dropped my head onto my forearms. When the phone fell from my hand, I stared over the edge.

Well, shit. That could kill somebody. Why didn’t they have something to keep that from happening? What if it’d been worse than a phone? A cat or some shit.

This would be the second phone I had to replace in the past month, but this time, it was an accident.

I opened the door and walked back inside with my head held high.

“I might’ve just caved in someone’s head,” I announced as I dropped onto the couch.

“Uh…” Tilian held the popcorn out to me.

Even though it felt like tearing out my intestines with my own hands, I decided this was one of those moments for honesty, so I pulled him close and lowered my voice.

“Before this, I went to Holly’s office. I told her to fuck off, so basically, that relationship is destroyed. My mom’s not happy about it, so I told her to fuck off too. Then, I accidentally dropped my phone off the balcony. Emphasis on ‘accidentally.’ I don’t really want you to say anything about all of that, but I thought it’d be good if I told you. So, how about that movie?”

Thankfully, he didn’t ask any questions. After he pressed play, he wrapped his arm around my stomach and leaned on my shoulder.

“I’m proud of you,” he whispered close to my ear.

Fuck the phone and that shitty conversation. This was quite possibly the best feeling in the world.

Chapter 43

Tilian

The yawn that escaped me was feral. It made me shudder and was impossible to suppress.

Since I’d spent the weekend at Brooks’ place, I’d been irresponsible and neglected to do my homework. That left me in catch up mode this week. There’d been a test in one of my criminal justice classes this morning and I was pretty sure I passed, but it was also possible that I’d scribbled nonsense on the page. I only had to make it to Friday, then we’d have a whole week off for spring break.

I was too tired to smoke, which was concerning, in and of itself. I’d even told Brooks that I couldn’t hang out. All I wanted to do was lie in my bed and knock out for the rest of the day and night.

But I couldn’t sleep.

I couldn’t stop thinking about the pain in Brooks’ eyes when he opened up to me a couple weeks ago. It probably wasn’t healthy, but I was afraid every time I wasn’t with him.

What if something happened and I wasn’t there to make sure he was okay? What if his parents called and he began to spiral?

The self-hatred terrified me more than anything else. His ability to hide from others was impressive but not in a good way. It made me worry too much. I trusted him, but the fact was, he could still hide things from me and I might not know it. Would he ever stop?Couldhe stop?

Damnit.

Fuck healthy boundaries. I was at his apartment in ten minutes. It was dark inside, which was surprising since it was only seven. Maybe he was as exhausted as I was. We both slept better together anyway.

When I reached his door, I saw a faint light coming from inside. Maybe I should’ve texted. I was worried that walking in would freak him out. At least I knew that he didn’t have a gun.

“I know you’re out there,” he called.

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