Page 178 of Defend Me

She raised a brow. “It’s just a conversation. This is what I mean, Brooks. You have responsibilities and anyone who cares about you will respect that.”

Kai sat up straighter. “Do you want to hear more about my family?”

“Sure, why not?”

“My dad has Alzheimer’s, far enough along that things are bad more often than they’re good. He’s had it for as long as I’ve been alive. He still clings to our relationship with everything he has, but when he can’t remember me, I try to be strong. A lot of the time, I fail, and I’m okay with that. I respect the hell out of him. He’s the best parent I’ve ever seen and nobody will ever compare. Maybe you should take notes.”

“Excuse me?”

“My boyfriend lived a life in hell. I’ll spare you the details, but the man you just disrespected-triggered- survived horrors at the hands of his parents because of his sexuality. And you threw it in his face without blinking. I’d put you right down there with his family, I think. The way they tried to rip him to pieces so that they could arrange him in the way they wanted him is exactly what you do to Brooks. I’ve seen that same hell in his eyes, butlet’s be honest, you aren’t ready to truly listen to that yet. You probably never will because you’re the one who caused him to feel this way.”

Apparently, he’d had enough. He got to his feet and stuffed his hands into his pockets. Looking at me, he shrugged.

“Not sorry.”

Then, he was gone.

“Your friends are lovely,” my mom said sarcastically. “I like your boyfriend, though.”

“I don’t like you,” Tilian replied somewhat quietly, earning a surprised expression from her. He lifted his gaze and spoke louder. “You may not understand this, but above all else, what a family values most should be that everyone is happy. Mine’s not perfect, but I can unequivocally say that they’ve done their best. I can also say that we’ve never hurt anyone in the process to get where we are. My dad has done some major soul searching throughout his life and when it comes down to it, he’ll go to bat for all of us, and that includes against his congregation. Do you know how much courage that takes for a pastor to do? Make your threats. Follow through with them, even. None of us will get on our knees to satisfy whatever twisted ego you’ve developed.”

“Tilian,” I said, nudging his foot underneath the table.

He shook his head. “No. I’m not a people person and I don’t make big declarations where a whole restaurant of people can hear me, so try to understand how major this moment is, Mrs. Elrod. Do you know a single thing about your son, something that you haven’t planted in him? Do you know the things that live in his head and turn the silence into agony? I bet you don’t because he’s never felt safe enough to show you his pain, whereas he’s given it to me freely. You’re proof that love isn’t always patient and kind. Sometimes, it’s vicious and cruel.”

I was glad when the waiter came over because I didn’t want her to respond. Tilian’s words felt like pieces of encouragement that I needed to hear more than anything.

I’d do anything for him. I’d make sacrifices for him.

Ifeltthe truth in that, so why did my tongue feel like lead every time I looked at my mom?

Chapter 48

“You kindled me heap of ashes that I am into fire.”

Brooks

I craved sound but now I’ve become the silence

The rest of dinner was awkward. My mom went on about what was going on at the firm, but neither of us actually listened. We shared looks, over and over, without really knowing what they meant.

He was waiting for me. I knew that. And I knew what I wanted. Him. That was it. But I was frozen, caught in this trap that had me pinned with no hope of escape unless I chewed off my own tail.

Once we pulled into the garage, I made my escape. My mom called after me, but I didn’t give a fuck about anything she had to say. I got in the elevator and hit the button before she made it to me. Her disapproving look as the doors closed was enough to make me stumble back into the wall once I was shut in.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Was I going to hyperventilate? I’d never had a panic attack before, but I thought this might be what it felt like.

Kai was waiting by the elevator when it let me out. I bypassed him and unlocked the door. Even when he followed me, I didn’t say anything.

What was there to say? I was failing, just like I knew I would. He’d stood up to my mom without missing a beat. For Sen. He did it for Sen and she didn’t even have any involvement in their life, so why couldn’t I do it for Tilian?

Failure. It was the bane that haunted me every minute of every day.

What was failure? I’d asked myself a thousand times since starting this relationship. If I followed my heart, I didn’t know what would happen. If I listened to my mom, I’d lose him. Wasn’t that failure too?

Like failure and perfection, these things were mutually exclusive, and I hated that.

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