Page 179 of Defend Me

I leaned my hands on the counter and took a deep breath. It didn’t feel like it carried any oxygen.

“Where’s Sen?” I asked.

“Bedroom with Tilian.”

The door opened and he walked out, arms crossed over his chest. Just seeing him made my eyes burn. The way he looked at me wasn’t like it had been when we were about to leave for Portland.

“I’m sorry.”

“Why?” Tilian asked.

“She’s… I didn’t know it would be that bad.”

“Don’t apologize for her. But, Brooks, this isn’t gonna get better. You need to do something.”

“I’m trying.”

“I don’t want to rush you, but you don’t get to choose the timeline anymore. It’s here and now. What are you going to do?”

“We’re supposed to make these decisions together,” I reminded him.

He scoffed. “How am I involved in this decision? Like she said, your future is determined. The only thing for me to do is decide if I’m going to follow you. Nothing I want actually matters. I don’t see ‘together’ in that.”

“We’ll figure it out.” I didn’t know who I was trying to convince at this point. “Let’s just go. We can go on our vacation just like we planned.”

“Are you serious? You can’t stand up to her? I don’t want to be a dick because I know this is really hard, but Kai stood up for Sen andIstood up foryou. It wasn’t even a decision because I choose you. Over and over again. In front of her, the whole school, in front of fucking God. Now, it’s your turn.” He wrapped his arms around himself, making him look small. “To stand up for us. For… me.”

“You knew they wouldn’t like it,” Kai pointed out. “And you said you’d deal with that. You said you wouldn’t let them take this away from you. Was that a lie?”

“No,” I replied. “I was preparing, figuring it out in my head so I’d be ready.”

“Look, man, you’ve gotta do something. I hate to see either of you like this. And, what happened with Sen aside, I can’t stand to see her get what she wants. She’s going to take everything away from you.”

“I know, I just don’t know how to do this.”

“Ever since I’ve known you, you’ve been fearless about everything. Why not now?”

“My mom…” I swiped my hands down my face to hide the way I was trembling. I couldn’t even find an answer to his question. There was just this cement block holding the door closed, keeping me from coming out to face her while she set everything on fire. “It’s harder with her. Maybe when my dad gets here.”

Tilian paced to the window. When he turned back around, he looked angry. Really angry.

I moved closer to him. “Baby.”

He shook his head. “I don’t know what we’re doing anymore.”

“You and me. That’s what I choose.”

“But she doesn’t know that.”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“Yes, it does,” he snapped. “I don’t know that you’ll actually stay with me.”

I took his face in my hands, imploring him to look at me, to see how I felt about him. “I will.”

“You’re still listening to all of her bullshit. You’re too scared to claim what you want.” He turned his head and I dropped my hands. “I don’t believe that you’ll put your foot down, now or in the future.”

“I will,” I repeated. “Please believe me.”

---