Page 182 of Defend Me

“I want Tilian. I want to be an attorney without selling my soul. I want to put justice above everything else. I want tokeep my fucking hair.”

“Your hair…” Dad repeated.

“Fuck this.” I took my hair down and shook my head a few times. “You can fuck off with all of yourstandardsandexpectations. If that’s how it’s gonna be, I’ll do this shit on my own.”

“Brooks, wait,” Dad interrupted.

“No. You might think it isn’t a big deal, and I didn’t either, but I see it now. I don’t care about this image anymore. You want to find all the ways I don’t fit?”

I lifted my shirt to show them the tattoo on my hip. After kicking off my shoes, I pointed at the one on my foot, then showed him the wheel on my rib. The purple spokes made my heart feel like it was beating again and I wanted to kick myself for waiting so long to do this.

“What are these?” Dad asked.

“Tattoos.Imperfections.My boyfriend thinks these ones are a problem because I did them myself. I still don’t really see that, but whatever. He drew this one and took me to get it done because he cares that much.” I touched my ribs. “You should see the one on my thigh. I finished it after I slept with Ms. Whitlock.”

“Holly? You slept with her? Brooks, what the fuck?”

I pointed at my mom. “She wanted me to.Thatis why I’m angry. That’s what made me start to see all the fucked up things this world is about. I don’t want it. Do you know how disgusted I am with myself? I hate what I’ve done; I hate the fact that I touched Holly; I hate looking at myself with my hair down; I hate what I’ve become. I hate how much worse I could be. I hatemyself.”

“God damnit. Brooks…” He stared at me for a second, then swiped a hand down his face. “Why didn’t you talk to me?”

“Why would I?”

“Because I’m your father.”

“And she’s my mom. Obviously, being a parent doesn’t guarantee that you want what’s best for me. I’m a pawn in a game I never got a choice in playing.”

“Let’s back up,” Mom suggested. “We’re all feeling heated right now. Brooks, I love you and I’m just trying to prepare you. It’s not about you dating. If you want to be with Tilian, then be with him, but you have to stay focused and you need to think about the reality of your future. Do you think this is what’s best for him in the long run? Do you want to get attached when you know that the chance of you having the same future is so slim?”

I shook my head viciously. Her words were like knives right now. I couldn’t listen to any of them, not after everything that had happened.

Suddenly, her hand touched my arm. I shook her off and had to fight the urge to push her away. She looked stunned by my reaction.

“Honey-”

“Fuck you.”

“Brooks,” Dad scolded.

“Fuck you too. Fuck all of this. I’m sorry that I can’t live up to your expectations, but I’m done.” I drew in a shuddering breath and didn’t attempt to fight the burn in my eyes or the way my voice cracked. “I just have to be done. I’m choosing Tilian in front of you, in front of the gods, and most importantly, in front of him. If you consider that damning myself, then I’m damned.”

He stared at me with pursed lips. “I need you to give us a minute.”

I was too tired to argue or ask why, so I turned around and walked toward the bedroom door. As soon as I stepped inside, Tilian took me in his arms. We sat on the bed and he guided my head onto his lap. Sen scooted closer and laid his head on my stomach while Kai did the same on his like we were in some wonky game of Chickenfoot.

“I’m sorry,” I cried. “I’m so sorry.”

“No, I am,” Tilian replied. “I shouldn’t have said what I did. I should’ve trusted you. Idotrust you.”

“You were right to question me. I didn’t trust myself either. I would’ve caved.”

Sen squeezed my arm. “You’re strong, Brooks.”

“No, I’m not, but you guys make me feel strong.” I looked up at Tilian and touched his lips. “You make me feel more powerful than anything else ever could.”

“Thank you,” he whispered. “For choosing me. I heard you.”

“‘If you ever looked at me once with what I know is in you, I would be your slave.’ Remember?”

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