Page 186 of Defend Me

The alcohol soured in my stomach. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“We’re being real here, Brooks. You’re an adult and you make your own decisions, but you’re still my son. That’s a balance we clearly haven’t figured out yet. That’s partly my fault, but I want to get there and we can’t do that unless we talk. Is that what you want to do?”

With a nod, I inhaled until my chest ached. Then, I launched into the story I didn’t want to tell him. I started with my first meeting in Holly’s office followed by the one when I turned down her advances. When I got to the conversation with my mom, it was hard to look at him. It was worse when I told him that I’d followed through. Since we were being open and honest, I made sure to tell him how I felt after and about the breakdown I had. I recalled how Tilian was always there for me despite how I’d treated him and that he helped me work through it. He made me feel safe enough to talk to him.

We sat in silence for a while after I finished. It was unbearable but so was the possibility of him saying anything. Even though I didn’t feel sick about the situation anymore, there was a lingering sense of shame.

“You’re disappointed, aren’t you?” I asked softly.

“I am.”

Looking away from him, I nodded. It was stupid that my lip started to tremble. Those words were one of my greatest fears. Neither of my parents had ever told me they were disappointed in me. 2025 seemed to be the year of firsts, both good and terrible.

My dad sighed and leaned over to lay his hand on mine. “I’m disappointed, but I can’t blame you. The first time, you made the right call and I’m proud of you for that. I wish you would’ve stuck with that decision regardless of what your mom said.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I blame her more for that. She never should’ve let you feel like that was okay. We raised you to be strong so that you could stand up for what’s right, not so that you could sink into the dark side of things. I never wanted it to be something you had to fight to survive.”

“How was I supposed to know that’s what you wanted, Dad? I thought I was meant to be like you guys. I always wanted to be. This is a world you raised me in- the money and the types of people you’re involved with.”

“You’re right. Apparently, me and your mom have different ideas about things. A lot different. To be honest, Brooks, we don’t spend much time talking anymore.”

“What do you mean?” When it was clear he’d brush it off, I added, “We’re being real. Like adults.”

With a sigh, he leaned back in his seat. “I love your mother, but work will always be her baby. It’s been like that since we were in college, and I used to admire her for it. We worked hard to get where we are. Neither of our parents had much money, so we put in the hours and through that and many strokes of luck, we made it here. She’s never stopped, though. She works more hours than I do, which is already too fucking many. I care about what we’ve built and I certainly can’t say that all of my cases have been in pursuit of justice or that I haven’t done my fair share of bad things. I have no claim on morality, Brooks, but I do have hard limits. You are one of them. We should’ve protected you better. I should’ve known more about what was going on. For that, I’m sorry.”

I blinked away the blurriness in my vision. “I didn’t tell you.”

“It doesn’t matter. I knew something was wrong and I didn’t push it. All these years, I didn’t recognize how you were affected. I didn’t even know about the hair.”

“It’s just hair.”

“It’s something you love, which is why I care. I’m so angry about everything that’s happened. I should’ve been better and so should she. All I can do is work on finding this balance with you and hope that you want that too.”

“Of course I want that. But…” I glanced at the ground briefly before looking at him again. “What about Mom?”

“She loves you, Brooks.”

“No, I know she does. But where we’re at right now, I’m not sure what’s going to happen.”

“She doesn’t know how to separate the different areas in her life. And as much as I hate it, unless she can figure that out and choose what’s most important, I’m not sure what’ll happen either. I wish I could fix that. Me and her have a very long conversation ahead of us.”

“I don’t want you to fight because of me.”

He met my eyes before he spoke again. “It’s about what we did, not you. These things and the ways they’ve affected you are significant. Maybe we’ll heal or maybe we won’t, but whatever happens between us isn’t your fault. You understand?”

I nodded, not trusting my voice right now. It felt like my fault anyway.

If I hadn’t let having sex with Holly get to me… If I hadn’t let these feelings for Tilian grow… If I’d kept it all to myself…

“Let’s talk about the tattoos,” he went on.

I traced the duck on my foot with a small smile. “What about them?”

“I like the duck. But…” My smile faltered with the shift in his tone. “You’re not doing this anymore.”

“They’re just tattoos.”

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